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“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.6): WAC Pack

Caputo’s office!

There is a vagina on Caputo’s desk. Figueroa, the Women’s Warden Who Never Helps Anyone, just put it there. Oh, all right, it’s a picture of one. Apparently there is a “Prison Poon” website. (Why did I just use the word “apparently?” Of course there is one.)

Even though it’s a perfectly nice specimen, Figueroa does not want any more from her prison showing up on the Web, and she does not want this to hit the press, and she especially does not want there to be a corrections officer taking and posting crotch shots. Figueroa takes a moment to threaten Caputo’s salary before she leaves. Good talk.

COs’ Mailroom!

The vagina in question is now on a Wanted poster, complete with Photoshopped guns and a mustache. (I know: In a perfect world, every vagina would be wanted.) O’Neill is already having problems with his four-hour body, and he warns Healy that Figueroa’s on the warpath and this would be a good day to hide.

Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Eric Liebowitz

No such luck: Yoga Jones is bothering Healy with requests for a place to be serene. Yoga Jones does not meditate on the nature of irony much. Also Doggett wants her chapel back on account of all the Heathens, and Crazy Eyes wants him to look at something in her pants. But it’s not the rogue vagina he’s looking for, so he declines.

Taystee comes in to bitch about having to watch Toddlers & Tiaras and gets a remote control for a couple of days if only she will go away. Well timed, Taystee.

Visiting room!

Chapman’s mom is there, brittling away. We learn that Polly won’t answer the phone since Chapman hung up on their conference call to chase the chicken. (I hereby declare that “chasing the chicken” shall, in addition to its literal meaning, also be a new slang term for when someone wants to self-pleasure, but can’t find just the right stimulus.) Mom Chapman worries that Chapman is going crazy. She also reminds Chapman that Alex ratted her out and stole her life. Chapman says she’s in there because she is no different than any other prisoner and made bad choices, and this is all her own fault. Good for you, Chapman.

Mom Chapman is less able to deal, and is one of those “Nice white girls aren’t really criminals” types. Mom Chapman says that any jury would see that Chapman doesn’t belong there and was a debutante.

Outside the guards’ area!

Mustache Mendez arrives for work and sees another guard’s bag getting searched for the cell phone that must have taken the renegade vagina shot. Mendez decides he should maybe put that contraband back in his car.

Visiting room!

Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) has been watching the visits and tells Chapman she looks like her mom. Chapman’s not crazy about that resemblance right now. Nichols says Chapman is in denial, and she agrees: “I’m a WASP. That’s what we do.”

Chapman sads exactly one too many times and Nichols tells her to be grateful to have a mom who shows up and buys her pretzels and hugs her.

Nichols Flashback!

Nichols is in the hospital after heart surgery from drug-related infections. Her mom is there, but not happy. They don’t get along well. Mom knows when her junkie daughter lies about being clean and Nichols knows when she’s been neglected for her entire childhood and raised in a separate apartment by a nanny. Nichols might like a post-surgery hug or some hand-holding, but that’s apparently a lot to ask.

Prison yard!

Diaz walks right up to Mom Diaz and slaps her. She also calls her a slut. The Diaz women believe in direct payback.

Phones!

Polly won’t take Chapman’s calls. Can we blame her?

Caputo’s office

He’s questioning the guards, trying to figure out who has a camera. The unhelpful visiting room guard astutely points out that Mendez and his mustache seem super creepy, but then expands that theory to all mustaches.

Bennett is maybe a tiny bit nervous about being questioned about inappropriate relationships. I think what brought Bennett and Diaz together is their complete lack of poker faces.

Susan, a new guard, comes in for a briefing. Caputo shows her the outlaw vagina. He really needs to get a cover sheet for that.

Rec room!

Taystee wants to watch sharks, because duh, and Pousséy wants to watch cooking. Tensions are rising.

Morello, Boo, and Norma are playing Scrabble. (With a homemade board and tiles!) Morello, using West Side Story as an example, points out that the word “knifes” exists if you use it as a verb, Boo mocks Morello and her wedding preparations, and suddenly everyone is screaming. Healy is having a bad day. He’s bringing back the Women’s Advisory Council, and the election on Saturday.

Lunch!

Chapman sits down at a table with Morello, Alex, and Nichols (Hi, Nichols!). Wow, Sit with Your Ex Day seems like a terrible theme meal.

Morello is running for the WAC as Red’s pick. Nichols is surprised and a little hurt by that news. She also thinks a “real dyke” should be the pic. Nichols is still a tad bitter about her breakup with Morello.

Morello explains that her only competition will be “Pensatucky,” who is mean Fundamentalist Doggett from the last episode. Turns out you can only vote within your own tribe: White, Black, Hispanic, Golden Girls, and Other. And the prison officials totally sanction that. Holy crap. This episode is not going to get less racially uncomfortable, so strap in.

We learn that Morello’s entire worldview is based on West Side Story and that she’s racist about Latinos, rattling off stereotypes like she’s channeling Fox News coverage.

Sophia wants to run on human rights and medical care reforms. Taystee wants to run on treats and better television. Sophia is toast. Taystee and Pousséy do an extended bit mocking boring uptight white people.

At the Latina table Maritza wants to run on pizza, and she and her rival immediately get distracted by stereotypes about black people.

Can we talk about how a) this episode is very uncomfortable and your faithful recapper would really like to spend some quality time in the fetal position and b) how sad it is that there are this many really good actresses of different races, ages, and body types, but to get them all on TV it has to be on a show about prison?

There’s a little more casual racism to be had, but then upon the talk of trouser meat, the whole room is united in chanting sex noises. Yay?

Kitchen!

Nichols is bummed that Red chose Morello as her WAC candidate instead of Nichols. Red says that Morello is pretty and listens and knows how to keep her head down when she needs to. She doesn’t want Nichols in more trouble.

Mustache comes in, deliberately making a mess and being a dick. He finds Red’s contraband electric vibrating toothbrushes and Red says, “My girls are very concerned about their oral hygiene.” Heh. Mustache wonders if Red’s bringing in cameras or cell phones too. He says the smuggled phone is getting in the way of his business and he doesn’t like competition.

Secret meeting!

Bennett is worried about the pointed inappropriate relationship talk he had with Caputo. And mentions the Naked Mom Diaz incident. Bennett thinks they should cool it right up until the moment when Diaz undoes his fly. Diaz pulls his pants all the way down and discovers that Bennett has a prosthetic lower leg. Bennett tenses, waiting to be rejected, but Diaz just gives his knee a little kiss and goes about her business.

Healy’s office!

Chapman comes in and sees the wanted pussy poster. Healy holds up a couple of dresses against her and Chapman braces for Extreme Creepiness, but Healy just wants to choose the right dress for his wife’s anniversary.

Healy also wants chapman to run for WAC, but after The Chicken Incident, she says she’d prefer to keep her head down for a while. He’s disappointed.

Magazine office!

Larry’s editor is rejecting Larry’s edging piece, because that’s the sort of thing you only discuss with your relatives. Larry begs for an assignment, and all his editor wants is a lascivious piece on what to do when your wife is in Sexy L Word prison.

Rec room!

Of course Doggett is running for WAC on a Jesus platform. Nichols (Hi, Nichols!) and Chapman play homemade Scrabble while Alex and Morello flirt. Now Alex is ignoring Chapman. Alex makes a joke, Chapman laughs, Alex stonewalls the laugh, and we’re all in painful junior high school for a moment.

Flashback!

Alex and Piper drink champagne. Alex calls Polly by the wrong name and then makes fun of her wrong name. Alex is summoned to talk with a guy who is clearly a drug dealer and Polly rightly points out that Alex is an asshole. Polly is suspicious of Alex. Why won’t Piper listen to her best friend’s suspicions? Piper announces that she’s really happy and came seven times last night. Oh, that’s why.

Alex has a meeting with Scary Drug Guy, who is upping her drug-running quota by a lot. Alex says she’s glad she’s not expendable and then there is an uncomfortable moment of silence because she totally is. Well, at least the head drug dealer has a sense of delicacy.

Showers!

Alex spots Nichols’ heart surgery scar and knows what it is-apparently it’s a pretty common operation for needle users. Yikes. Nichols misses drugs and Alex misses the business of selling drugs. They totally bond over having been in the same industry. Chapman sees a bit of this as she stands around not wanting to pee in the open because a woman is talking to The Devil in the stall with the door again. Chapman says hi to Alex and leaves.

Phone!

Polly finally takes Chapman’s call and they have a really sweet friendship reconciliation in spite of the fact that Polly is on the table for her gyno appointment. We learn that Polly’s nickname for Alex is “Supercunt,” which works as an awesome nickname for someone you love or hate.

We also learn that Chapman’s mom used “tutu” as a euphemism for “vagina” when Piper was a kid. That must have made ballet class a little confusing.

Rec room!

It’s time for everyone to make speeches! And also for things to get reeeaaaallly uncomfortable. Frigging Doggett says she’ll ask for a whites-only bathroom.

Tricia, who we saw in an AA meeting last episode, sidles over to Mustache Mendez and asks where her drugs are. Mendez doesn’t have any because of the crackdown. Tricia is hurting. Mendez tells her he’ll crush her if he talks to her again.

Miss Claudette is here to see the speeches for the sheer crazeball entertainment and notes that all the inmates are there. Chapman has a bolt of inspiration and runs off.

Bathroom!

Chapman pees in blissful peace with a closed door and everything.

As she’s relaxing, Chapman looks at some tile that seems awfully familiar to those of us in the viewing audience. She removes a tile and finds a cell phone in there. A cell phone with the fugitive vagina on it.

Rec room!

The speeches are getting super racist, and then turn into some “playful” racist freestyle rapping. Gah!

Dorms!

Red’s also enjoying the quiet and is getting some reading done. She waves Chapman off.

Chapman goes to Alex’s cube and smells her pillow. CHAPMAN! DO NOT HAVE A DRUG-RUNNER GIRLFRIEND!

Rec room!

Oh, thank Shesus, the racist rapping has turned into a dance-off. Wow, Boo can really work it. Crazy Eyes sidles in and pretends to top Boo just as Healy walks in and shuts the whole thing down. Which means the prison election process ends up being only half as insane, irrelevant, and racially offensive as our national election process.

Prison yard!

Diaz and Bennett adorable at each other. Diaz made him a drawing of her. She makes a couple of bad tries, then asks Bennett directly about his leg. She’s really trying to make a connection. Aww.

Healy’s office!

Holy Thurmond, they really do have separate vote boxes set up for each racial tribe. Healy whispers to Chapman that he thinks his wife really loved the dress, but of course what the other inmates see is Healy whispering to Chapman.

Visiting room!

Mom Diaz’s Drug runner boyfriend asks her way too much about Diaz. Bad mom karma is a bitch.

Larry is telling Chapman about his proposed article on “our experience.” Chapman shoots back, “Has it been difficult for you in here?” Chapman asks for time to think about it before everyone in the world knows she’s a convicted felon. Larry says of course he’ll give her time to process, but he’s totally going to go ahead and write the article. He probably has a draft in his pocket.

Suddenly the not-mentally-ill-after-all woman from the bathroom stall shouts “Diablo!” and runs to hug her big boyfriend. Mystery solved!

Somewhere, that actress’s mom hits this point in the series and there is a phone call in which the actress has to explain that they used a stunt vagina, and yes, she is sure everyone will know it’s not really hers.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Healy’s office

Caputo is a dick about the election and says, “You still can’t tell the fish-kissers who’s boss?” We hear the results and Healy throws the actual votes into the Foreshadowing Bin.

Dinner!

Morello is sweetly nervous, even though she’s been reassured that she’s a lock. Red made a coconut cake to celebrate Morello’s victory. Nichols is pissy about the coconut and gets a swat in the head and her cake taken away. No one knows how Nichols puts up with the crap she takes from Red.

Nichols Flashback!

Red helps newbie Nichols, still in orange, through vicious drug-withdrawal shakes. Red talks her through it and demands she stay clean. And then Red hugs Nichols like the mom she always needed.

Dining hall!

The results are finally announced: Maria Ruiz and Taystee won.

Chang will represent both the Golden Girls and the Others. (Won’t that open the WAC up to deadlocks?) And the final winner is… Chapman. Who did not run, campaign, or receive a single vote. Chapman. Is. Screwed.

And, as we close out this episode, let’s take a moment to appreciate the perhaps dozens of production and design personnel who had to audition, select, and photograph the Stunt Vagina. And they had to have very serious meetings about whether the lighting was good enough, but it shouldn’t be too good because it’s a cell phone picture in a bathroom stall, but can you see the tile well enough? Will it read? And should there be a re-shoot with more or less taint? What would the Diablo character really want?

I just want those hard-working behind-the-scenes folks to know that we appreciate the care and attention you took. Now please help that actress explain it to her mom.

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