“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.6): WAC Pack


Caputo’s office!

There is a vagina on Caputo’s desk. Figueroa, the Women’s Warden Who Never Helps Anyone, just put it there. Oh, all right, it’s a picture of one. Apparently there is a “Prison Poon” website. (Why did I just use the word “apparently?” Of course there is one.)

Even though it’s a perfectly nice specimen, Figueroa does not want any more from her prison showing up on the Web, and she does not want this to hit the press, and she especially does not want there to be a corrections officer taking and posting crotch shots. Figueroa takes a moment to threaten Caputo’s salary before she leaves. Good talk.

COs’ Mailroom!

The vagina in question is now on a Wanted poster, complete with Photoshopped guns and a mustache. (I know: In a perfect world, every vagina would be wanted.) O’Neill is already having problems with his four-hour body, and he warns Healy that Figueroa’s on the warpath and this would be a good day to hide.


Images Courtesy of Netflix. Photo by Eric Liebowitz

No such luck: Yoga Jones is bothering Healy with requests for a place to be serene. Yoga Jones does not meditate on the nature of irony much. Also Doggett wants her chapel back on account of all the Heathens, and Crazy Eyes wants him to look at something in her pants. But it’s not the rogue vagina he’s looking for, so he declines.

Taystee comes in to bitch about having to watch Toddlers & Tiaras and gets a remote control for a couple of days if only she will go away. Well timed, Taystee.

Visiting room!

Chapman’s mom is there, brittling away. We learn that Polly won’t answer the phone since Chapman hung up on their conference call to chase the chicken. (I hereby declare that “chasing the chicken” shall, in addition to its literal meaning, also be a new slang term for when someone wants to self-pleasure, but can’t find just the right stimulus.) Mom Chapman worries that Chapman is going crazy. She also reminds Chapman that Alex ratted her out and stole her life. Chapman says she’s in there because she is no different than any other prisoner and made bad choices, and this is all her own fault. Good for you, Chapman.

Mom Chapman is less able to deal, and is one of those “Nice white girls aren’t really criminals” types. Mom Chapman says that any jury would see that Chapman doesn’t belong there and was a debutante.

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