“Orange is the New Black” recap (1.1): Meet the Prisoners

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Next we meet an imposing Slavic woman named Red, who passes out yogurt as treats for people she likes and OH, MY GOD, THAT’S KATE MULGREW! I seriously didn’t recognize her until I looked up the credits. She gives Chapman a Friendship Yogurt, and Chapman is very grateful on account of how disgusting the prison food is. You will never guess who runs the kitchen around here. Red stalks off and the others inform Chapman of her “Epic fuckup.”

oitnb_KateFreakingMulgrew

Chapman follows her cellie’s advice and cries a little bit so she can make a phone call from the office of a prison official who seems nice. What have we learned about that, Chapman?!

Larry’s mom answers his phone and awesomely starts eating up one of Chapman’s two minutes with prison questions and Mom chitchat. Larry grabs the phone and tries to coach Piper through it, telling her he’ll be visiting her soon and to look at it as a big adventure. Piper tries to explain everything about her new world all at once, and wonders if she can borrow some shampoo from white people.

The Nice Prison Official tells Chapman she has to hang up, then hangs up for her. Then he gives her a little bottle of shampoo and sends her out. Once she closes the door, he whips out a bottle of lotion and undoes his belt. Is he still technically nice?

oitnb_Nice Phone

Sleep! Shower! We’re back in the showering moment where we started the show. Chapman sees her first Probably Mentally Ill person and her first lesbian shower sex. Oh, hello, Nichols. Nichols takes a moment to shift over enough to leer at Chapman, but Nichols’ special friend doesn’t seem to mind too much. That is some impressive technique.

Oh, well, at least there’s time for a nice, hot breakfast before orientation. A woman in the serving line asks Chapman if she’s Chapman, then hands her the special breakfast Red prepared for her. What have we learned about nice gestures, Chapman?!

Chapman unwraps her special breakfast sandwich to find a tampon in it. Me, I would have let things go right about when I saw the string, but Chapman has to take the top off and confirm that it’s used. The other women think this is the funniest joke ever.

oitnb_Hilarious Tampon

While Chapman is still hyperventilating, Nichols takes a moment to mention Chapman seeing her have some bathroom sex and everyone is laughing at her and Chapman rushes outside (Can you just do that in prison?) to really and truly freak the hell out for a few minutes.

And just when things can’t get any worse, Alex walks up to say hi.

Do not have a drug runner girlfriend.

Pretty good so far, yes? Very promising! I’ll see you all tomorrow.

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