Piper tells her family, including her hilariously prim mom, that she’ll be going to prison thanks to her ex-lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Piper’s mom is more horrified that she used to be a lesbian. When Mom asks, Piper doesn’t say she’s bi. She says she’s not a lesbian anymore, which, um, we need to talk about.
Larry waits with Piper as we see the layers of bureaucracy she’ll be dealing with. They finally say their sad-but hopeful goodbyes and Piper – Chapman, now that she’s in prison – goes with the guard to get started. The guard tells her to strip and we…
Flash way back!
Piper dances seductively and starts to strip for Alex, her drug-runner girlfriend. Drug-runner girlfriend gets Piper all hot and bothered and then convinces her to come along on a trip, just for funsies. Do not have a drug-runner girlfriend.
Flash forward to the guard she’s just stripped for!
The guard checks Piper’s mouth, then says, “Spread your cheeks and cough.” Did we talk about how this show is going to get uncomfortable?
Chapman heads into the van and meets Watson, a fellow new inmate, and Morello, a prison trusty who’ll be driving them to their building and showing them around. Morello and Watson are suspiciously pretty and I was worried that we would be in an L Word Prison of Extreme Hotness. Well, OK, “worried” might not be quite the term I’m looking for. We also meet new inmate Diaz. And it’s time to hang on to your craniums, because we will be meeting one million characters between now and the end of the show. I’m sure we’ll learn the ropes soon enough.
Larry and Piper are at a pre-prison beach day. Larry brings his great-aunt’s ring in a Baggie and proposes even though Piper is heading for the slammer. Aww. Piper gushes and Larry says “That’s a yes, right?” Which is the exact same thing that Alex the drug-runner girlfriend asked when she convinced Piper to tag along on a drug run. That’s a mighty specific romantic type there, Piper.