I know what you’re wondering: Is Orange is the New Black the kind of show where we have to wait until 14 episodes in to see a maybe-queer character have a maybe-queer moment? Nope! Try 26 seconds into the opening. Good job, show.
We meet Piper Chapman via her lifelong enjoyment of cleanliness, including a shower with her lesbian ex-lover and a bath with her current straight-boy fiancé. And then we skip straight to her first shower in prison, right before the opening credits.
OK, remember how Helena went to prison in The L Word and they made one million jokes about dropping the soap as though prison rape is hilarious and then Helena got a hawt roommate and everything in prison was hawt? This is not that show. And let’s take a moment to be grateful for many reasons. But also uncomfortable, because man, does Orange is the New Black get uncomfortable, which is kind of the point.
So the prison shower is uncomfortable in the sense that it’s invasive and un-private, and Chapman is showering with maxi pads rubber banded to her feet because she doesn’t have flip-flops. Another inmate compliments her tits in a way that is somewhere between invasive-friendly and maybe lascivious? Hard to say, which will probably be true of a lot of things here.
Images Courtesy of Netflix/ by Barbara Nitke
Flashback!
We’re at Piper’s pre-prison party, a pig roast that her fiancé, Larry, has thrown her and a couple of friends. Piper is strong during the roast and stoic about the fact that she’s about to check into prison, but later takes a break during her final sexing with Larry to go have a demure freakout in the next room.
Larry drives Piper to prison — she’s surrendering herself after plea bargaining to a 15-month sentence — and they have some sweet/prickly awkwardness over where he should stash her engagement ring for her.
Flash-even-farther-back!Piper tells her family, including her hilariously prim mom, that she’ll be going to prison thanks to her ex-lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Piper’s mom is more horrified that she used to be a lesbian. When Mom asks, Piper doesn’t say she’s bi. She says she’s not a lesbian anymore, which, um, we need to talk about.
Flash-a-little-bit-forward!
Larry waits with Piper as we see the layers of bureaucracy she’ll be dealing with. They finally say their sad-but hopeful goodbyes and Piper — Chapman, now that she’s in prison — goes with the guard to get started. The guard tells her to strip and we…
Flash way back!
Piper dances seductively and starts to strip for Alex, her drug-runner girlfriend. Drug-runner girlfriend gets Piper all hot and bothered and then convinces her to come along on a trip, just for funsies. Do not have a drug-runner girlfriend.
Flash forward to the guard she’s just stripped for!
The guard checks Piper’s mouth, then says, “Spread your cheeks and cough.” Did we talk about how this show is going to get uncomfortable?
Chapman heads into the van and meets Watson, a fellow new inmate, and Morello, a prison trusty who’ll be driving them to their building and showing them around. Morello and Watson are suspiciously pretty and I was worried that we would be in an L Word Prison of Extreme Hotness. Well, OK, “worried” might not be quite the term I’m looking for. We also meet new inmate Diaz. And it’s time to hang on to your craniums, because we will be meeting one million characters between now and the end of the show. I’m sure we’ll learn the ropes soon enough.
Flashback!
Larry and Piper are at a pre-prison beach day. Larry brings his great-aunt’s ring in a Baggie and proposes even though Piper is heading for the slammer. Aww. Piper gushes and Larry says “That’s a yes, right?” Which is the exact same thing that Alex the drug-runner girlfriend asked when she convinced Piper to tag along on a drug run. That’s a mighty specific romantic type there, Piper.
Flashforward to prison!Morello leads the other three in. They get a wolf whistle, some Significant Looks from a couple hot butches and, some leers from some more unsavory types. We learn that you need to be careful with Miss Claudette, and then Morello gets them checked in.
Chapman has her picture taken by a Nice Guard and a Mustache Guard. We learn that Mustache Guard is a dick. I suspect that piece of information will come back later.
Chapman gets a TB test and we discover that she has no track marks and a pretty fish tattoo under her hairline.
Flashwayback!
Piper and Alex are in terrible wigs, preparing for a drug run. Alex isn’t going to travel at the same time as Piper. Hello, warning bells! It’s not clear that Piper knows she’s going to help the smuggling operation. But she does know her girlfriend is a drug runner, so…
Flashforward to prison!
Chapman talks to Healy, her counselor. Hey, he seems nice! She admits to carrying a suitcase full of drug money 10 years ago and is clear about taking responsibility for it. Healy continues to seem nice and tells Chapman she’ll be fine, and won’t get stabbed or anything like in Oz. Are we OK with it when shows about prison talk about shows about prison? I guess we have to be.
Anyway, Nice Healy says that “Women fight with gossip and rumors.” Oh, dear, Healy may be a wee bit sexist. Then he mentions lesbians and tells Chapman they’ll try to be her friend. Yes, and they will also mix awesome drinks and help you dissect your relationship until 3:00 in the morning. What’s your point, Healy?
Not-So-Nice-Healy tells Chapman “You do not have to have lesbian sex.” Much of the viewing audience stands up and begs to differ. Healy advises Chapman to keep to herself and not make friends. Buzz off, Healy.
Flashback!
Piper explains her predicament to Larry just after she’s found out that Alex ratted her out. Do not have a drug-runner girlfriend! Piper cries and says her time with Alex was “a phase” (Which parts?) and then she ran away to become the nice blonde lady she was supposed to be.
Back to prison!Morello shows the newbies around and foreshadows that maybe Healy isn’t such a great counselor after all, but won’t elaborate. Morello points out whom to talk to for brown-drab uniforms like the old hands, and the woman she points out walks straight up to Diaz and slaps her. Diaz explains that it’s her mom. Whoa.
Time to meet the cellmates! Diaz and Chapman are in the same cell. DeMarco says she’ll help Chapman, and Mendoza will help Diaz. Mendoza is pissed that Diaz doesn’t speak Spanish and calls her a “coconut.” Nice Morello gives Chapman some tissues and a toothbrush, and sweetly explains, “we look out for our own.” By which she means white people. This show is teaching us a lot of lessons about people who seem nice. Morello tells Chapman to stop being so politically correct and says “It’s tribal, not racist.” Um.
We also meet Miss Rosa and Nichols, who just got out of solitary. There is a lot of fuss about how you make the bed and how you should sleep on top of your covers in prison.
Flashback!
Piper is in her bad wig in the Brussels airport. Whoops! Her drug runner luggage is lost. Also she somehow accidentally skipped Customs. Piper is freaking and waiting, then finds her bag and finds Alex. Alex finally mentions that the bag she stuck Piper with has $50,000 in it. Do not have a drug-runner girlfriend, you guys.
Prison!
Chapman sits with a middle-aged prisoner named Yoga Jones at dinner. Jones tells her to look at her time in prison as a kind of living Mandala, and also don’t eat the pudding. We also meet the Sister, a nun who was locked up for nukes protest. And, oh, hello, Nichols! Nichols is a) a junkie and b) played by Natasha Lyonne. We’re all glad she’s here. Nichols is also c) way gay, and picks up Chapman on her finely honed gaydar.
Next we meet an imposing Slavic woman named Red, who passes out yogurt as treats for people she likes and OH, MY GOD, THAT’S KATE MULGREW! I seriously didn’t recognize her until I looked up the credits. She gives Chapman a Friendship Yogurt, and Chapman is very grateful on account of how disgusting the prison food is. You will never guess who runs the kitchen around here. Red stalks off and the others inform Chapman of her “Epic fuckup.”
Chapman follows her cellie’s advice and cries a little bit so she can make a phone call from the office of a prison official who seems nice. What have we learned about that, Chapman?!
Larry’s mom answers his phone and awesomely starts eating up one of Chapman’s two minutes with prison questions and Mom chitchat. Larry grabs the phone and tries to coach Piper through it, telling her he’ll be visiting her soon and to look at it as a big adventure. Piper tries to explain everything about her new world all at once, and wonders if she can borrow some shampoo from white people.
The Nice Prison Official tells Chapman she has to hang up, then hangs up for her. Then he gives her a little bottle of shampoo and sends her out. Once she closes the door, he whips out a bottle of lotion and undoes his belt. Is he still technically nice?
Sleep! Shower! We’re back in the showering moment where we started the show. Chapman sees her first Probably Mentally Ill person and her first lesbian shower sex. Oh, hello, Nichols. Nichols takes a moment to shift over enough to leer at Chapman, but Nichols’ special friend doesn’t seem to mind too much. That is some impressive technique.
Oh, well, at least there’s time for a nice, hot breakfast before orientation. A woman in the serving line asks Chapman if she’s Chapman, then hands her the special breakfast Red prepared for her. What have we learned about nice gestures, Chapman?!
Chapman unwraps her special breakfast sandwich to find a tampon in it. Me, I would have let things go right about when I saw the string, but Chapman has to take the top off and confirm that it’s used. The other women think this is the funniest joke ever.
While Chapman is still hyperventilating, Nichols takes a moment to mention Chapman seeing her have some bathroom sex and everyone is laughing at her and Chapman rushes outside (Can you just do that in prison?) to really and truly freak the hell out for a few minutes.
And just when things can’t get any worse, Alex walks up to say hi.
Do not have a drug runner girlfriend.
Pretty good so far, yes? Very promising! I’ll see you all tomorrow.
