Andy Warhol predicted that in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Prophetic as he was, he didn’t foresee that first, every lesbian in Los Angeles would be famous for 15 minutes, thanks to reality television.
First, it was Work Out, which gave us L.A. lesbians Jackie Warner, her then-girlfriend Mimi and a mélange of lesbian or bisexual showmances, friends and cameos by semi-famousbians like Honey Labrador (Episode 202) and the gay wives from Oprah (Episode 203). If you’re a good-looking, slightly crazy lesbian from L.A. and you weren’t on Work Out, well then, you just weren’t trying hard enough.
This summer, we have Curl Girls. Curl Girls isn’t about hairdressers – this show is better. And by “better,” I mean instead of bitchy, really weird-looking stylists, Curl Girls features six L.A. lesbian and bisexual surfer babes in bikinis. There is a God.
For the next six episodes, we’ll be following Erin, Gingi, Melissa, Michele, Vanessa and Jessica as they work, play and compete with each other. There’s sure to be a hookup, a breakup, a fight or two, some unnecessary crying, judgmental trash talk and lots of attitude. Or, as I like to call it, Saturday night.
Meet the girls – “We’re a group of gay, strong, opinionated, unedited women, and we all share one love: surfing. Surfing. Surfing,” explain the girls in quick succession.
There’s a montage of clips of what’s to come: the girls surfing, a night out at a strip club, Melissa and Jessica making out and gossiping (“I don’t think Gingi’s really gay …”), a public throw-down between Gingi and Jessica (“You’re judging me. Don’t do that, honey …”), and Melissa and Jessica yelling at each other and crying. Lesbians: always a good time. Michele – While she drives to the beach, Michele calls Gingi up to give her the wave report: off-shore, six feet and glassy. What is that, Judy Gold on an Olivia cruise? Let me admit right here and now I don’t know anything about surfing.
If Michele looks familiar to you, it’s because she went out on a date with Jackie Warner. A second trip to the well, Michele?
Michele says she likes yoga and has a girlfriend named Jenn. Michele digs surfing because she can leave the world behind. Out on the water, Michele rides a nice wave, cuts back, and as her board is about to be buried in the break, she jumps off into the foam. Surfing looks fun if you’re not afraid of drowning, sharks or sharing your space with half-naked guys with names like Bongo and Rabbit. Vanessa – Vanessa is one of two clothing designers on the show. Tall and lanky, she’s chilling on a beach chair, dressed all in black and wearing dark shades. Vanessa says she lives a creative, urban life and she loves what she does – which, at the moment, is running topless through a bar with her gibbon arms straight up over her head.
There she goes, right out the front door into the afternoon sunshine and onto the sidewalk. Vanessa has the body of a baby giraffe and is wearing tube socks and a bright red terry-cloth headband. I like her already. “Catching a wave is one of the best feelings in the world,” she says, as we watch her do just that. Later, Vanessa is standing by her car in the beach parking lot talking to Erin. They kid each other about a little rivalry from their past. Vanessa says she’s not competitive, but she hates to be beaten by anyone. Uh, that’s called competitive, Webster.
Erin — Erin is a lawyer who loves surfing. I’d say she has the face of a chipmunk if she weren’t holding a gun. Seems Erin also likes firearms. We see her at a shooting range and smiling happily at her paper bulls-eye, which is riddled with a tight group of holes near the center. She likes surfing because it’s an escape from her job responsibilities and worries. And for everything else, she has her .45 (or whatever that is). Jessica — Vanessa and Erin are putting on their wet suits when up walks Jessica, grinning and cocky as all get out. She’s wearing the standard girl surfer uniform (cargo shorts and a bikini top) and carrying her surfboard. Jessica describes herself as “a smart ass, a badass” who’s motivated and very driven. At 23, Jessica’s a beginner surfer who loves it for the fun of hanging out with the girls.
Jessica says she’s been dating Melissa off and on for about a year, but her love life is “up in the air” right now. In one clip, it appears to be in the “on” position, because Jessica’s straddling Melissa and they’re playing tonsil hockey. Melissa — Hey everyone, it’s the actress Lori Petty! That’s all I can think as I watch Melissa unload her board from the bed of her monster pickup truck. Melissa is a dead ringer for Kit, every lesbian’s favorite petulant kid sister from A League of Their Own. Except Melissa has super-bleached white hair. It’s white. Albinos feel bad for her. Melissa reports her off-and-on thing with Jessica is a lot of work because Jessica wants her, but also wants to be free to play around. The last time they went to a club, Jessica ended up making out with some random girl by the bathroom and Melissa wasn’t down with that. What’s with everyone making out by the bathroom ? Is there something about loud hand dryers and high-traffic areas that turn lesbians on?
Gingi — All the girls are wearing wet suits. I want a wet suit. Everyone looks dashing in black neoprene with jazzy-colored side panels and a cool, cryptic logo on the chest. They’re like too-thick superhero outfits. Erin’s should come with a holster. The girls paddle out and bob just beyond the break. The sun, the blue water, the open horizon, ah … Yeah, who cares about that crap. Did you see what just walked out onto the beach? Michele’s friend Gingi has arrived.
Michele: I tell everyone that my friend Gingi is coming. Yeah, that’s her, that’s Gingi. Here she comes. Hush. Silence.All eyes are on the beach as Gingi drops to her knees and adjusts her bikini top.
Erin: When I first saw Gingi walking down the beach, I was thinking, “Any fries with that shake?” [Laughs.]Like Vanessa, Gingi is a young, single clothing designer. Unlike Vanessa, Gingi’s favorite past time is flirting. “If I could get paid for flirting, I’d be a rich woman,” she laughs. Sure you can. Just add a pole and some 10-inch stilettos. It’s called stripping.
Gingi says she’s terrified of the ocean, so she’s recently taken up surfing to overcome her fears. But Gingi threatens to raise new fears within the gang.
Michele: With lesbians, when you introduce somebody new into the group, [the] most common [reaction], if you look like Gingi is: “Wow, she’s really hot. I want to sleep with her. Does she have a girlfriend? She better not come near my girlfriend.”And that’s just Jessica.
Adding a new person into an established group of friends is always tricky with lesbians, especially if that new person is hot and single. Like a pack of dogs when a strange loner wanders into our area, we’re simultaneously suspicious and curious. The girls do the lesbian version of butt-sniffing: They compare tattoos. Jessica is impressed with Gingi’s back, which is covered with a design of her own creation. What is that? A map? A color-by-numbers tree? Jessica has three Japanese characters down her left side. She says they mean “devotion of truth,” and she fondles them lovingly.
Melissa is smiling stiffly, feigning interest as Gingi and Jessica compare body art.
Melissa: Jessica’s behavior just made me feel like somebody reaching in through my chest, through my breath (sic) plate, and grab my heart and pulling it out of my chest.The bleach in her hair seems to have damaged the rational parts of her brain.
Crash — Vanessa asks Melissa, “Why so blue, sugar boo?” They’re walking along the beach having a heart-to-heart about the club bathroom kissing incident.
Vanessa offers that surfing is cool because you can’t talk while you’re doing it. She changes the subject by suggesting they play a prank on Erin — they’re going to block her out of a wave by getting alongside her and cutting her off. Vanessa wants their signal to each other to be “Ah aaah, ah aaah.” Melissa doesn’t do bird calls, so she tells Vanessa to do it.
Out on the water, Vanessa is crowding Erin. Erin doesn’t get why Vanessa isn’t practicing good surf etiquette, except that she knows Vanessa likes to get in her face every now and then.
While Vanessa and Melissa are having their fun with Erin , Michele is up on her board, surfing parallel to the shoreline. Jessica is floating in her path. Michele sees her too late and crashes right into her, wiping out. Jessica stands up and rubs her head. Don’t be fooled into thinking surfing is just a great way to pick up chicks. It can be dangerous, so be careful out there, ladies. Having one eye isn’t cool unless you’re a pirate or Sammy Davis Jr.
Let’s process! — Jessica decides to go back to her blanket, where she ends up rehashing the kissing incident with Melissa. Yipes. It was safer in the water.
Jessica: You’re upset because you think I disrespected you. Melissa: If you’re dedicating every time that you’re not at work with me, and you’re dedicating outside of work with me, and we’re always, pretty much together 24/7, and then you wonder why and how I could get hurt and upset that you went out and just kissed a girl because you’re single? Yeah, that f—ing hurt, don’t you get it? Jessica: It’s not worth it to sit here and throw away nine months … Melissa: Was it worth it to you that day? Jessica: You are entitled to your emotions. I’m not telling you you can’t have your emotions. And I’m just asking you: Can you see yourself with me? Do you want to work something out or from here on out, there’s no hope for you and I ever again?Why is everything an all or nothing situation with lesbians? There’s this thing called “moderation,” perhaps you’ve heard of it? I mean, they are just dating, right? Spending every minute together is not dating. It’s having a conjoined twin. Melissa throws down her ultimatum: Either they become monogamous or she’s done. Jessica starts to cry, but because she’s practically naked, she has no sleeve to wipe her nose on. And because this is the topsy-turvy world of lesbian relationships, Melissa ends up comforting Jessica, even though she’s the one who hurts. You can’t comfort crazy.
Melissa wants to surf to forget about her Jessica problems, but she can’t because Jessica’s there surfing too. Jessica doesn’t seem to notice she’s ruining Melissa’s mopey alone time. She just wants to hang out with the girls. This seems to be her only life goal.
Afterward, Melissa, Jessica and Vanessa all agree the water was exceptionally nice that day. Vanessa’s wearing a man’s hat and tube socks. Hee. Meanwhile, the grown-ups (Michele, Erin and Gingi) are having lunch and discussing possibly having a friendly competition. Vanessa and Erin have an unresolved rivalry that could use some resolving. Michele likes the idea because competitions have rules, and maybe everyone will learn something from it. Hey, if I want to learn a valuable lesson, I’ll watch Little House on the Prairie. What a girl wants — Jessica walks with Melissa back to her pickup at the end of the day. Melissa asks for a hug good-bye. Jessica starts to cry. Again.
Melissa: She wants to be in a relationship and have all the benefits of a relationship but is not quite ready to be settled down for the rest of her life. I want to have kids, I want a house, I want to have family, I want to grow old with somebody.That’s nice. Maybe a good way to get there is to not date 23-year-olds. Just a thought. Jessica says she loves hanging out with Melissa, but she’s not ready to plan their wedding just yet. She’s crying because she can’t commit to a relationship but doesn’t want to lose the fun they have together. They hug and Jessica shuffles off, surfboard under her arm and tears in her eyes. Melissa sits in her gigantic truck and looks really, really small.
Bonfire — Later that night, the girls get together for a beach bonfire. Gingi is wearing a glittery, shimmery, long skirt. She and Vanessa talk shop about clothing design and do five seconds’ worth of flirting that goes nowhere. But that’s OK. Gingi has a sultry sort of smile that makes up for the grating Melissa/Jessica histrionics in a big way.
Meanwhile, Melissa is sitting alone staring at the water, having a private boo party when Michele finds her. Michele performs an intervention of sorts.
Michele: The question is: What do you really want in a relationship? Do you want commitment, do you want, ya know … Melissa: Yeah. Michele: I guess the reason I ask — because you immediately say “yeah” — you picked someone who’s 22 and wants nothing to do with commitment.Is Jessica 22 or 23? Oh wait, I forgot — I don’ t care. Michele admits that she too, used to pick emotionally unavailable people because it was a way to play it safe while still declaring her commitment to, um, commitment.
Melissa suddenly feels very close to Michele and reveals her dad disowned her when she was 18. He found out she was gay while he was snooping in her sister’s diary. Michele can see why Melissa tries to satisfy her craving for family by seeking it in her girlfriends. She thinks it’s only natural.
Michele is going to be the understanding voice of reason, that’s clear. Too bad reality TV doesn’t know what to do with level-headed, normal people. By the time the whole gang shows up, the sun has gone down. There’s a nice extra-flamey going in the fire pit. What’s up with L.A. weather? Melissa is wearing a T-shirt. Michele is wearing a sweater and a down vest. One of them, I’m not sure which, has a medical condition.
Erin talks about surfing etiquette. Michele asks somewhat randomly if anyone has ever entered a contest. Someone chimes in there’s a contest for women at Manhattan Beach every year. I have to assume they’re talking about surfing, even though I can think of several other beach contests involving women that would be way more fun.
Everyone likes the idea of holding their own little surf challenge.
Melissa: I think we should do it. Vanessa: [raising her hand] I’m there. Melissa: All in. Jessica: Let’s do it. Melissa: As long as we have different levels, I’m cool. Jessica: Can I be the president? Melissa: Yeah … no.Since Erin and Michele are the most advanced surfers, they’re designated the team captains. They flip a coin, and Michele gets the first draft pick. She picks Melissa, who not only loves the idea of a contest, she finds being picked first has a sweet, validating taste. She gets up and goes over to stand by Michele.
Erin picks her rival, Vanessa, who wanders over to Erin ‘s side of the sand. Beginners Gingi and Jessica are left for the taking. Jessica’s sure she’s going to be picked next.
Jessica: I’m not a person to say I’m better than anybody else, but I am very competitive. I think my surf level on Gingi is a little bit higher. I know she’s more at beginner and I’m a little bit more beginner-intermediate, compared to her.Michele disagrees, because she picks her friend, Gingi. Jessica looks hurt and insulted (as if any of this means anything ) but spins it by saying they saved the best for last. Melissa and Jessica are on different teams, which for some reason seems like a relief.
And that’s the end of Episode 1. Who will win the surf competition? Will Jessica and Melissa work things out? Will Jackie Warner ask Michele out on a second date? How many times will Melissa’s roots appear, disappear and reappear? Tune in next week and keep me company.
Next week on Curl Girls: Jessica and Vanessa go to a strip club dressed as guys. Gingi’s bi and it rubs Jessica the wrong way. Someone gets called a whore.
