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“Bad Girls” Recaps: Episode 2.08 “Babes Behind Bars”

THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:

The ringleader: Yvonne keeps everyone hanging on the telephone.

The rebel: Barbara feels Zandra’s pain.

The romantic: Josh woos Crystal.

Chatting up — Near the rubbish bins outside the servery, Josh and Crystal are flirting again. I like Crystal just fine, but Josh is fawning and overeager, and he seems to have fallen in love with Crystal without knowing her at all. Fine, fine: Helen did pretty much the same thing with Nikki. But that’s different, because I like them.

Dominic spies the young lovers and their sly smiles and asks them what’s up. Josh offers a lame excuse about a sticky wheel on one of the Dumpsters, so Dominic offers a sly smile of his own and gives them two minutes. Dom, you’re such a softie.

Crystal (that’s “Crys” to Josh) is glad Dom’s back from holiday, because he’s the only screw who really cares about Zandra. Josh agrees and adds that maybe now Crystal can stop looking after Zandra so much. This, like so many things in an average day, sets Crystal off:

Josh: You’re gettin’ out on Friday, and she’s not. You’re gonna have to start to let go.

Crystal: Yeah, well if that’s what you think, maybe you’d better let go of me.

She stomps off in a haze of holiness.

Speaking of the screw who cares — Dom goes to see Zandra. She tells him about her visit to the hospital. Denny adds some colorful commentary, telling him about all the wires and pins they stuck into Zandra. Den, you weren’t even there! But it’s nice of you to encourage this flirty stuff between Dom and Zan. It’s making Dominic uncomfortable, though, so he pretends to be optimistic about Zandra’s health and shuffles out. Right on cue, Zandra grabs her head in pain.

The gov’s office — Karen is ready to put Shell back on the wing. Shell doesn’t care about that; she’s more worried about her kids. Karen’s way ahead of her there: She wants to bring Shell’s mother in to discuss the kid situation. Shell’s eyes are rimmed in red, and she’s hopping mad at her mum for turning a blind eye to the activities of her abusive husband while Shell was growing up.

Shell: I could kill her for it now.

Karen: Could we not talk about killing people?

The wing governor job seems to attract the dry-witted ones, doesn’t it?

Shell begs Karen not to say anything to anyone else about her past. Karen assures Shell she can trust her. Uh-oh. Shell’s been told that before.

The eye of the beholder — Yvonne is looking at porn. OK, no, she’s not; but wouldn’t that be a fun episode? She’s really looking at the phone sex ads on the back of a newspaper. And then she gets up to look at herself in the mirror — which gives her an idea. Hmm, thinks Yvonne, look how gorgeous I am. Wait. Gorgeous? Sex? Phone sex?

You can tell the wheels are turning in her brain because the background music is suddenly all thinky. Nothing says “cerebral” like a marimba. Or is that a xylophone? A vibraphone? It’s not a glockenspiel.

Farmer Wade — Whoa, look at those pot plants! What is Nikki doing with those? Barbara stops by, and Nikki immediately spins a story about tomato plants with a touch of blight.

Barbara: [picking up some choice buds] Certainly got a touch of something.

Nikki: [sheepish] I had a letter from Helen this morning. She told me I’d better be keeping my nose clean, so I reckon this little lot’s gonna have to be mulched.

Wait a sec. There’s a lot going on again. First, a letter? Can we read it, please? Or can we at least know why Helen’s so worried about you keeping your nose clean? I mean, other than the fact that she wants to move you out of Larkhall and into her flat. But surely she did more than just scold you in her letter. I want full text, now.

Also, are we to assume that growing marijuana is a long-term hobby of yours? My, my, Nikki. Your character is revealed in drips and drabs, or more like in fits and starts. You’re a lover and a fighter and a farmer. Something for everyone!

Finally, both Nikki and Barbara seem to have colds. Or maybe they’ve been sampling the sativa. Barbara is actually very familiar with this particular plant. She grew it for her husband while he was ill. And she thinks maybe they should keep it handy for Zandra, who has nothing more than some paltry paracetamol (that’s British for acetaminophen). Barbara offers to take the rap if they get in trouble.

Nikki: I really don’t get you, Barbara. One minute you’re Mrs. Middle England, and the next minute you’re offering to be a drugs mule. I mean, excuse me?

Barbara: I only obey rules I respect, Nikki. Which in this place, I assure you, means very few.

Right on, Babs.

Running errands — Yvonne asks Denny to give Josh another job. Yeah, it’s a veritable assembly line in Larkhall. Yvonne just wants to give her daughter her locket, and Josh makes a perfect go-between. But when Denny asks Josh about it, he doesn’t want to play. You know, he’s on the straight and narrow now, for his woman and all. Straight and boring.

Karen’s office — Karen welcomes Dominic back from holiday. He went to Ibiza. He did? Can we see pictures of him in party mode? I’m thinking a little red Speedo and a lot of glitter.

But Dom doesn’t offer any details of his vacation, and that’s OK, because Karen has other things on her mind. She gives Dominic the news about Zandra’s trip to the hospital.

Karen: They need to have her back in to do an urgent scan. They think she’s got a malignant brain tumor.

Oh, for the love of all that is soapy, a brain tumor? Ugh. Poor Zan. And poor us, if they drag this out too long.

Dom takes it very hard. Karen says the tumor may not be operable; they don’t know yet. Of course they don’t.

A pitfall — At the servery, Barbara asks Crystal for some tea bags. And then she gives Crystal the marijuana and asks her to dry it out in the oven for Zandra. Uh, Barbara? Wrong, wrong move. As soon as Barbara leaves, Crystal just stuffs the cannabis in the trash. Wah!

Shell’s cell — Shell is gazing at photos of her kids. Karen interrupts to let her know her mother will be there tomorrow morning. Oh boy.

A business plan — During a meal, Yvonne, the two Julies and Denny plan their phone sex operation.

Yvonne: Just think about it: Hot babes behind bars, desperate for it.

Well, yeah. What do you think I spend most of my time doing? This is so meta.

Yvonne says they can get 10p a minute. She does know how to organize crime. The Julies don’t quite understand at first, but since they have skills in this area (they’re in the slammer for prostitution), they’re more than happy to give it a try.

Oh, but how will it work? Yvonne’s bringing in some cell phones, of course. They’re called “mobiles” in the U.K. — which is convenient, considering “cell” has another meaning entirely on this show.

Yvonne: The more calls you take — the longer you make ’em last — the more that’s in it for you.

Ew.

Denny wants to play too, which surprises Yvonne. She didn’t think Denny would be interested, on account of being gay and all. But Den will be straight for pay. The Julies say they’ll give her some tips, like moaning and groaning and finger-sucking.

Yvonne moves to another table to finalize the business plan: She asks Barbara if she knows her way around the internet. Of course she does. From hallucinogens to hyperlinks, Babs knows all.

Facing facts — Dominic has a chat with Zandra. He tells her she needs to go to the hospital for another scan, but he doesn’t say the word tumor. He just says there’s “something not right,” which makes Zan feel vindicated. Dominic reminds her that he believed her all along and adds that he’ll be the one taking her to the hospital.

The next morning — Yvonne paces in her cell as Denny waits outside to collect the mobile phones. I can’t believe Yvonne manages to make pacing sexy, but thanks to the leather jacket, the cigarette and the swagger, it’s working for me.

With a series of whistles, a staged fight to entertain the guards, and a bunch of knotted-up nylons, Denny and Yvonne manage to get the phones into Yvonne’s cell. Who needs a file in a cake when you have phones between slices of bread? So clever!

(If that didn’t make sense, here’s the prosaic version. The phones were packaged in foil and bread, and Denny created a distraction while Yvonne hauled them up through the window of her cell. Now it just sounds boring.)

Psychobabble — Shell doesn’t want to see her mum. Karen suggests that Shell’s not really scared to see her, but scared to show her how she feels. She thinks Shell will start to feel good about herself again if she just confronts her mother and speaks the truth. Sheesh, is Dr. Phil going to show up for visiting day, too?

Karen: Do you think I’m talking sense, or a load of bollocks?

Shell: Have you got a fag, Miss?

Good answer, Shell. I need a smoke too, after all that claptrap. Just one puff gives Shell the fortitude she needs to face her mum.

It doesn’t go very well; Shell’s mother has a fit about Shell’s shabby clothes and lack of makeup. She accuses Karen of “dopin’ her up,” but if I were in solitary for as long as Shell’s been there, I’d want some sedation, too.

Just a phone call away — Yvonne distributes the phones to Denny and the Julies. She tells them to keep them out of sight.

Denny: What, crutch it?

Yvonne: No. Down your bra’ll do.

So Julie S. makes a cell phone torpedo bra for herself. Hee. Yvonne says they can do it all with ear buds, and pretend to be listening to music.

Denny suggests they bring Shell in on the deal, but Yvonne’s not hearing that. She scolds Denny and gives her a look that would silence Bill O’Reilly. Meanwhile, the Julies are bursting with excitement:

Julie S.: We got our call names worked out, Yvonne.

Yvonne: Yeah?

Julie J.: Yeah. Whiplash and Saucy. I’m Whiplash Wanda.

Julie S.: And I’m Saucy Sonia. We thought we could do a one-on-one or a nympho sisters number.

Yvonne: That’s great!

Denny: I chose my name, too. I’m gonna be Gail.

Everyone else: [after a beat of disbelief] Gail.

Denny: Yeah.

Oh, Denny. You’re adorable. She explains that she knew a girl called Gail, but that’s all there is to that story, much to everyone’s disappointment. Yvonne asks her what kind of act she’s going to do. The Julies suggest the virgin bride:

Julie J.: Got banged up before she got —

Julie S.: — banged up.

There’s nothing like some rapid-fire Julie patter. These two are at the top of their game in this episode. They also suggest a new name for Denny: Vicki the Virgin Bride. Then they ask Yvonne what she’s chosen for her handle.

Yvonne: Oh, it’s gotta be something with discipline for me, girls. [thinking] Call me Sylvia Hollamby, the stern screw that likes strictness and spankin’. Disobedience will be severely dealt with!

Say discipline again, Yvonne. Please!

The mother and child reunion — Shell and her mother have their visit in a private room. I can’t figure out who Shell’s mum reminds me of. Someone in bad shape, for sure. She’s a mess. And she doesn’t want to tell Shell anything about her kids. She worries that Shell has lost her swagger and is letting the screws grind her down. It gets creepy as we zoom in on Shell’s face and hear the perverted voices of her past.

The library — Last week the library was all about Nikki and Helen, but today it’s the birth site of Yvonne’s new website. Barbara is doing the honors. The site is called (of course) “Babes Behind Bars,” and Barbara insists that it can’t be traced back to them. What? That’s silly.

Barbara asks Yvonne for some keywords for the search engines. She suggests the obvious ones, like sex and girls. But Yvonne gets a diabolical look on her face.

Yvonne: You ready for this, Barbara?

Barbara: Oh, yes. I think I’m going to enjoy myself.

Sadly, we don’t get to share in the enjoyment. I’d love to hear that blue streak.

Off for a scan — Denny is scaring Zandra with innocent questions about being scanned in a metal tube. Dom arrives to rescue her and take her to the hospital. The music gets all weepy and dire. Good luck, Zan. Too bad you can’t be part of the phone sex line. You could be the Fully Poseable Kewpie.

Enough already — Shell’s mother is still yammering on. This woman redefines toxic. Shell doesn’t respond to anything she says, and refuses the cigarettes she offers.

Karen comes in to escort Mrs. Dockley out, and as Mrs. D. starts to berate the gov, Shell finally snaps. Karen just stands by as a silent, stern witness. Shell ends up in tears and promises to turn her kids over to social services, rather than let them stay with a “pervert.” Hmm. Shell with a spine is an interesting sight.

But eek, when everyone starts blubbering (except the ever-stern Karen, of course), it’s a little more than I can take. Soap-o-rama.

What’s worse than a Shell-and-her-mum scene? — A Josh-and-Crystal scene, of course. Wow, does this show suffer without Miss Stewart. And Nikki’s not really in this episode, either.

Anyway, blah blah, Josh tells Crystal he really loves her, and he gets points for this:

Josh: I don’t know why, because you’re crazy.

Crystal enjoys the sweet talk, but reminds him that she’s saving herself until her wedding night. Good. I don’t want to see that scene!

More female bonding — Karen congratulates Shell on speaking her mind. Shell thanks her for being so good to her. Karen promises they’ll have another chat soon. But after Karen leaves, Shell takes the photos of her kids down and rips them to pieces. Sigh. Once a psycho, always a psycho.

Post-scan Zan — Zandra’s back, but she still doesn’t have any news. In other words, people are still keeping things from her. She looks so innocent and optimistic, it’s breaking my heart. And Dominic’s too.

(Wo)manning the phones — Yvonne explains that the mobiles will vibrate, not ring, when a call comes in.

Yvonne: You’ll get a good vibration down your cleavage.

Stop it, Yvonne! She also tells them about the website, which seems to give the Julies a little stage fright. Denny’s just excited — sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Dr. No-no, as in no-no tact — Dr. Nicholson finally tells Zandra that she has a “cancerous growth.” And guess what? It’s inoperable. Dominic stands by and scowls at Dr. Nicholson’s terrible bedside manner.

Dr. Nicholson: You can have radiotherapy if you want to … but there’s no chance of a cure.

He recommends “all that’s left,” namely, palliatives and painkillers on a slow march toward death. Gosh. Zandra asks him point blank what’s going to happen, and the doc says she has months, not years.

Back on G-wing, everyone’s stunned. A nurse brings Zan some pills, which just makes Zan angry. The doc still isn’t giving her any real help for the pain.

A new leaf — Shell is putting on makeup and praising Karen. Denny is glad to see that Shell is back to her old self. That’s what we’re all afraid of, Den.

Sure could use a little good news — Dr. Nicholson tells Karen there’s nothing he can do for Zandra. Karen wants something, anything, even dietary supplements, but he just shakes his head and very nearly blames Zandra for her own cancer.

Dominic: Those women are dead right about you. You really don’t give a toss about ’em, do ya?

Dom almost loses it and makes a move to give the doc a good punch, but Karen reels him in. After the doctor leaves, Dominic pours his heart out. He’s clearly torn up about Zan and thinks they should just let her out. Karen talks him down and reminds him he’s not the only person in Larkhall with a conscience.

Hey, speaking of screws without consciences, this seems to be a Fenner-free episode. That’s nice. (Though it’s possibly another reason this one is a little boring.)

Too little, too late — In a random hallway, Crystal asks Barbara for some more weed; she’s decided Zandra’s pain is bigger than the law or an anti-drug campaign.

Nikki: You know what the joke is, Crystal? If she were being treated outside here, they’d probably be giving her heroin now. But not with your approval, I’m sure.

Crystal: I know what you all think of me, but I’d do anything for her right now.

Nikki reminds her that she has the best possible contact for weed: a man on the outside. Actually, she implies that “everyone else” uses Josh as a dealer. Crystal is shocked.

Smarter than she looks — Shell sees the Julies and Denny with their ear buds and asks what everyone’s listening to. Denny caves and tells her the truth, so Shell finds Yvonne and asks to get in on the game. Yvonne’s not pleased, but agrees so Shell won’t squeal.

Nowhere to go — Dom finds Zandra and gives her some good news: Karen has arranged for her to leave on a temporary license. All she has to do is find a GP who will say she’s too sick to go back to prison, and she’ll be free. But Zandra doesn’t want to leave. She doesn’t have any family or friends who will take care of her.

Could this story line be more depressing? I was really starting to like you, Zan, but all the standard soap opera burdens have been heaped on your shoulders: Drug abuse, cancer, an ill-timed pregnancy, unrequited love. I guess you’re still under there somewhere, but it’s hard to be sure.

A connection — Crystal confronts Josh about bringing drugs into Larkhall. He thinks he’s in trouble, but she really wants him to run one more deal so Zandra can have some weed. Ah, drugs: bringing friends and lovers together in the harshest of circumstances.

Incoming — A call comes in for Denny — er, Vicki the Virgin Bride. She hangs up when the caller says something disgusting. But the guy calls back for more, so Denny rolls with it as the Julies stand by in awe:

Denny/Vicki: Yeah, well, listen, mister. You saying you want a bad-mouthed bitch? I ain’t even started on you yet.

Reflecting — Zandra wonders whether she’s being punished for being a “really bad person.” For once, Crystal leaves all the fire and brimstone out of it and just comforts her friend.

Zandra asks whether she can stay with Crystal and Josh if she gets out on license. Crystal doesn’t say anything. But next thing you know, she’s hinting to Josh about it. And Josh has resigned and has brought in some drugs. Let’s just cram all the plot developments we can into three minutes, shall we? But Josh isn’t receptive to the idea of Zandra getting out and needing a place to stay; he runs off before Crystal can make herself clear.

Zandra, however, could not be more grateful when Crystal gives her the smuggled-in painkillers. I guess I didn’t realize these two had become so close. It’s like they’re Thelma and Louise all of a sudden, except behind bars instead of on the road.

Caught — A note slips under the door of the wing office. It says Crystal is keeping drugs in the servery. And indeed she is — she has rescued the weed from the rubbish and is drying it in the oven as originally planned.

Guess who’s not getting out of Larkhall tomorrow? Instead, Crystal packs her things for solitary, and when Zandra finds out why, she giggles and gives her friend a hug.

Officer Barker: You did this on purpose, didn’t you?

The next morning, Josh stands outside Larkhall with a ring, but his blushing bride doesn’t show. That’s right, buddy: Your girl has chosen her girl over you.

NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Zandra gets sicker; Barbara is still keeping a diary; a new inmate arrives and admires Denny.

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