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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 208

Remembering Doug Blasdell – This week’s episode, the season finale, picks up a few weeks after Doug’s passing. His friends at Sky Sport decide to honor and remember him by doing something he loved: hugging. No, they’re going to go bike riding. The trainers gather at the gym with their bikes (lugging them up to Sky Sport’s penthouse floor for no reason other than it makes a nice video shot) and sit out on the deck putting on their helmets. There is absolutely no way to look cool in a bike helmet. Everyone looks like either a mushroom or a human-alien hybrid from Alien. Doug did like to ride. He taught spinning classes and rode in many events over the years. We see him in some home video footage from the California AIDS/LifeCycle in 2000. Ceo is there too. On camera, Doug looks fit and young and proudly says that his team raised over $100,000 for the event. Watching old footage of him is eerie.

The trainers make their way out of downtown L. A. and head toward the beach. As they do, the show inter cuts interviews, where the gang shares their thoughts about Doug.

Erika: I can’t believe that Doug is gone. Here’s someone who was so healthy and beautiful and kind and nice …
She trails off and starts to cry.
Zen: I thought about Doug and what I was going to miss … and things that I didn’t get to say. Why don’t I tell people that I love them before they’re gone? Why? He helped me through a tough time.
Flashback to last season when Zen was depressed after a breakup and Doug helped her get through it. They went for a hike in the hills, and like any gay man worth his salt, he listened to Zen’s straight-girl problems all the livelong day.

At the beach, the gang gathers ’round a fire pit in the sand to watch the sun go down and reminisce. Zen feels like Doug is still with them. Andre tells everyone Doug was the first gay person he was ever close to who didn’t skeeve him out – that’s how special he was. Mr. PFLAG thinks that’s a high compliment.

Earlier this season, Jesse managed to put his bitchiness on hold and forgive Doug for the little tiff they had over Doug’s interview on AfterElton.com Today, he has nothing but good things to say.

Jesse: In retrospect, in all honesty, you have a man who lived his life with his heart. And he took care of everyone in his life. And he was caring and giving and beautiful. So, he wasn’t just a good role model for the gay community, he’s a good role model for everybody.
Unlike Jesse, who’s no kind of role model for anyone, except maybe petulant drama queens.

Brian, who thought of Doug as a brother, was hit hardest by his passing. Brian keeps Doug’s principles, handwritten on a scrap of paper, in his wallet now: “Just for today, do not worry. Just for today, do not anger. Honor your parents, teachers and elders. Earn your living honestly. Show gratitude to all living things.” Brian gets choked up and has to leave the interview chair.

Back at the beach, Brian stands alone, pensively watching the tide come in. There’s a shot of an empty sky. Now he’s sitting on the wet sand talking to the waves: “I’m gonna miss ya, man. I’m gonna miss ya.” It’s real and it’s tragic that Doug died so young, especially since he was the only halfway normal person in the gym. And I fully believe Brian misses his friend dearly. But talking to the ocean? Hello? Producers of this show: Put the trowel away.

Nobody heard me, because next, we watch a montage of Doug Hugs: hugging a client, hugging Jackie, hugging another client, hugging Cheo. OK, there’s a lingering shot of Doug with his shirt off, man nipples and all. A genuinely nice guy with a ripped body, caring heart and giving personality. It really is a shame, and I’m not even a gay man. Jackie wraps up the beach tribute to Doug.

Jackie: We could finally come to terms with what had happened. Doug will be missed. He brought a light and energy to Sky Sport that was undeniable, and I miss him every day that I walk into my business and I don’t get to see his face and those beautiful blue eyes smiling at me.
“Every day that I walk into my business.” She never, ever misses an opportunity to say me, my or mine. She’s as reliable as an atomic clock. And about as charming.

Cheo and Brian bring each other down some more – Cheo continues to come to the gym to work on getting in shape, even though he’s already built like the guy made of rocks in The Fantastic Four. Brian works with Cheo because he thinks that’s what Doug would’ve wanted. As Cheo does his curls, he tells Brian again about Doug’s entire family dying young, the multiple funerals they went to when they were together, and how living past 43 was Doug’s only wish.

Brian tells Cheo a story of his own. Shortly after Doug died, he was taking a break from unloading his car. While he sat on the curb, a hummingbird flew over and hovered in front of him. Brian held out his hand and the hummingbird alighted in his palm. Days later at the memorial service, one of Doug’s friends says that Doug always wanted to be a hummingbird. Cheo starts to cry.

Egad, this kind of thing scares me. Are the weights going to start floating around the gym? Is everyone going to start feeling like they’re being hugged, but there’s no one there? Frightening clients until they poop their pants is not a legit weight-loss program, Doug.

An appointment with Dr. Shirley

– Jackie goes to see her therapist. Dr. Shirley didn’t know anything about Doug passing away. Jackie says she was with Rebecca when they got the news and thankfully, they had each other to lean on. This brings the conversation to Jackie’s love life. Jackie claims she’s dating two women, but we haven’t seen Big Tiff in a long time this is mos def the Jabecca show. Jackie just loves Rebecca’s affectionate, ass-grabby ways and reports that they crack each other up. These two have absolutely no future together, but why shouldn’t Jackie ride this wave out anyway? We don’t have to put every woman we date in our wills. Lesbians. So earnest.

Living in the grey

– Jackie and Rebecca do more than lie around in Jackie’s king-size bed making out. Today, they’re out at the golf range and making out. Rebecca can’t decide if she’s a righty or a lefty. I think she’s clearly ambi-curious. They spend more time hanging all over each other than actually hitting their bucket of balls. And it always ends with Rebecca climbing onto Jackie and wrapping her legs around her waist like a chimp. Rebecca says they relate to each other on every level, and it’s all so confusing dating a woman. When it comes to their relationship, Rebecca’s creative vocabulary fails her, so she chooses not to define the undefinable. She wants to live in the grey. And although she claims she doesn’t care about Tiffany, she totally does because, ya know, she’s a girl.

Rebecca: I don’t compare myself to Tiffany. We’re very different. She has, like, little rat teeth and she’s got totally big gums. And you never see her smile, and she shouldn’t. Ever. But I really can’t say that because she’s so sweet … and who can help their mouth?
Good question.

Anyway, Jackie’s about as good at driving a golf ball as she is at hitting a softball. Here’s some breaking news: Balls are not Jackie’s thing.

Jesse has friends?

– An old friend has come to visit Jesse. Well, she isn’t so much an old friend as his ex-fiancée. That’s right, you heard right. Seems at one point, Little Miss Sunshine was engaged not just to a woman, but to a Vegas stripper – I mean showgirl – named Jasmine. They broke off their engagement when Jesse figured out he didn’t want to have a Vegas showgirl so much as be a Vegas showgirl.

Jesse reminds her of the fateful day he came out to her, but it turned out that she already knew. A girl always knows. Was it his love of show tunes that tipped her off? Or the fact that he took his best female friend to his prom? Maybe it was the way he called out Jared Leto’s name in his sleep?

The fact is, she knew, and yet, she still said yes to the engagement ring – which confirms in my mind that straight women will put up with just about anything to have a man.

Cheo isn’t the only one with heath issues. Jasmine had her thyroid removed recently, and she has the tell-tale decapitation scar on her neck to prove it. She’s in town to have Jesse work her back into showgirl shape. He takes her over to Sky Sport, which is fast becoming the premiere facility for people with bum organs and glands. Out on the deck, Jesse’s developed a Showgirl Workout program that consists of high-stepping kicks and jumping around. Jasmine should be back in sequins and flesh-colored unitards in no time.

She invites him to Vegas to watch her sing the national anthem at a basketball game. Sure, why not? It’s only a three and a half hour drive to see something that takes two seconds. What are gay ex-fiancées for?

Skylab coming in for a landing

– The Skylabbers are almost done with their intense boot-camp program. Jackie’s anxious to see their results because she’s all about their success, which we all know is merely a reflection of her own inspired awesomasity.

Competitive as all get out, the trainers have ramped up their training sessions to squeeze every last ounce of fat from their clients. Zen has Carol on an elliptical machine that, were it hooked up to a generator, could power the entire block. There is something about her that reminds me of a hamster.

Jesse has his lesbian couple out on the deck doing synchronized calisthenics, because they do every damn thing together. Gregg and Tess are working out, too. Sort of. Tess is using her right arm to pull some weights. That’s all. Gregg’s not into keeping his job.

When you want something done right, call a woman

– Jackie is still trying to launch her clothing line. She doesn’t have a name for it yet, so let’s just call it “Jackie’s Big Fat Ego” active wear.

Jackie’s original manufacturer was Steve, a shifty-eyed imbeltard who threw a bunch of crap together and called it fashion. Steve didn’t “get” Jackie. His idea of a gay workout maven was Richard Simmons, and he had all the sportswear sensibilities of a housewife from New Jersey.

Now Jackie has to start all over, and right away, before the retail people catch on she has no frigging idea what she’s doing.

Jackie calls in a new clothing manufacturer, a woman named Donna Shin. Donna not only “gets it,” she’s local and can run over any time Jackie gets inspired to design revolutionary socks that can go from the gym to the street. In the office, Donna almost sits on Jackie’s dog, Pichu.

Jackie: Did you bring the samples with you? Donna: Yeah. Jackie: Cool. [pause] Can I see them? Donna: Sure. Jackie: Great. Donna: You ready? Jackie: Yeah. Donna: OK. Jackie: Let’s do this. Let’s see them. I’m nervous.
It feels like Donna is stalling, but she comes through, and how. She produces not a cardboard box of rags, like Steve did, but a full, glorious rolling rack of samples that all represent Jackie’s rad-ass fashion vision. I knew she’d bring it. When you need something done right, you have to call a woman.

Project runway

– Jackie needs to slap together a portfolio of her new line right away. Instead of leisurely auditioning a bunch of hot models like I would’ve done, she uses the trainers from the gym: Erika, Zen, Rebecca and herself. It took me all this time to notice that her clothing line is only for women. Heh. Yeah.

The women of Sky Sport go to a studio to shoot the “Jackie’s Big Fat Ego” fashion spread. Zen likes getting her hairs and face did. Erika, fresh from her Erikalina Jolie shoot, is an old pro in front of the camera. OK, no, not really – Erika doesn’t have much in the way of personality. But she has a kick-ass bod, and that makes her a babe-a-tron. Rebecca, predictably, is the biggest ham of them all.

Erika: Rebecca is the funniest one to watch. She’s just a free spirit, which is really nice. I kind of wish I had some of that quality, instead of, like, always monitoring in my head, like, what people are thinking.
Erika is a fembot. I’m sure of it.

The photos turn out pretty nice, even in Jackie’s designs. They all have carved abs that look great, especially in the one orgy shot where each one is humping the other from behind, with Jackie on the end with a boxing glove cupping Zen’s ass. Were it up to me, that would be the lead shot, because that’s just how I roll.

A trip to the mall – It’s all coming together. The samples are just as Jackie dreamt they would be. The photo shoot went well because Jackie only hires hot women. The girls take a ride to the mall to check out their display at Paiva, the retail chain that will be carrying the line. When they see the clothes in the store window, everyone but Jackie squeals with delight. Jackie’s not a squealer (that we know of), but she does continue to impress the crap out of herself.

Jackie: Walking up to the storefront and seeing the posters of me and all of my clothes there – it was a “wow” moment. When I walked into the store, I got a very warm reception from the Paiva people.
Me, me, me! Enough about me, what do you think about me?

Rebecca is so drinking her girlfriend’s Kool-Aid, she thinks Jackie’s morning breath is a breeze from heaven. So natch, she just adores Jackie’s color, cut and look. I can’t tell if she’s talking about a Brazilian wax or the clothes. Score another win for Jackie Warner.

Last chance

– The Skylabbers are working their ample asses off as the final weigh-in draws near. Carol is turning out to be the most competitive and scampers on her hamster wheel at a frenetic pace. Tess doesn’t seem to be working very hard, although you can tell she thinks she is, as she trudges along on the treadmill next to Carol.

Jackie is still working with Doug’s client, ass-chest girl Laurie. She straddles Laurie, who’s on her back lifting her ass up and down as Jackie exerts opposite resistance with a big yellow ball.

Jackie: Good … that’s right. Really dig in with your heels. Focus on the back of your leg, your hamstring and your butt on this, OK? Laurie: Is this going to give me a J. Lo booty? Jackie: It is absolutely going to give you J. Lo booty. You’re not far from J. Lo booty.
What Jackie fails to mention is that when she said, “J. Lo booty,” she was referring to Jon Lovitz.

To be fair, Laurie looks energized. She reports that she feels mentally and physically different. The endorphins are kicking in, and she didn’t even think they existed before coming to Sky Sport.

By the dawn’s early light

– Jesse drives three and a half hours to Las Vegas to see Jasmine sing the national anthem at an NBA game for 40 seconds. He gets there just in time to find out she doesn’t even have a solo. She stands out on the court with two other girls. There’s three and a half hours he’ll never get back.

But if Doug taught him anything, it’s to embrace the people you love. Jasmine strains for that note no one can hit and only dogs can hear: “and the rocket’s red GLAArrre …” Jesse wipes away a patriotic tear.

The last weigh-in – The Skylabbers have run out of time: It’s time to get the final results. No more sweating, grunting and straining for the payoff. The season is almost over. I guess this mean Jabecca is done sweating, grunting and straining for the payoff, too?

The hydrostatic dunk tank is back, and everyone goes under. Jackie also measures and weighs everyone. Today, the fashion diva’s wearing a hideously patterned shirt and blue-and-white plaid Bermuda shorts that don’t match her top. Rodney Dangerfield called. He wants his golf pants back. Jackie holds the results in her hot little hands. She calls Kiki into her office. Kiki – who, if you recall, was there to inspire her brothers to lose weight – has gained seven pounds and increased inches on every part of her body. She’s a Skylab washout. Kiki claims she’s too busy studying to work out. Whatever. Jackie tries to impart the fact that unless she gets off her butt, she will never feel good or look good. Jackie releases Kiki back into the wild. So, good luck with your hypertension. So long.

The clients who remain are gathered together for their test results. Carol, the hamster, lost a total of 24.5 impressive pounds. Floyd, the homeless man, lost 21.75 pounds. If he would get a fricking haircut, he’d lose another pound. The Chubby Lesbians, Amy and Dina, both lost an identical nine pounds each. Shocking.

Tess had some ups and downs. She gained 15 pounds halfway through the program, but in the end, she lost it all again. Tess ended up where she started. I don’t know why she’s smiling about going nowhere. She also has some news of her own: She’s taking courses to become a trainer, making her the world’s only 241-pound female trainer not from Eastern Europe or with an extra Y chromosome. Meaghan, the reporter, lost 10 pounds, and she’s stoked none of her jeans fit anymore. Rita, the hotel concierge, lost a whopping half a pound. Good job! Laurie, the ass-chest girl, lost a truly astounding 40 pounds. That’s the equivalent of giving birth to a five-year-old boy. Laurie knows her life has changed forever, and part of that is because of her original trainer, Doug.

Laurie: If Doug could see me now, yeah, he would be so proud of me. He was always really there and gave me great encouragement. I wish that he could see me now. And he probably [can].
A celebration – To celebrate everyone’s success with Skylab, Jackie throws one last big party on the outdoor deck at the gym. It’s a cool afternoon, so everyone’s dressed in wraps and jackets. They can’t show off their slimmer, toner physiques, but that’s OK, they know they’re there. Erika can see the positive change in the clients’ attitudes. It could be the champagne, but what do I know? Jackie thanks everyone “for making the start of my dream come true.”
Jackie: I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in these past few months. I found new relationships in totally unexpected places, and although I don’t know where they’ll end up, I feel free for the first time in a long time.
In the background, the Flynt Communications building rises above the skyline. Flynt is the publisher of Hustler magazine. Heh.

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