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“Glee” Recap 4.19: Dark-Sided Fruity Voodoo

Previously on Glee, Kurt Hummel and Santana Lopez existed and spoke words and sang songs and danced dances and were beloved not only as beacons of light and sexiness for the queer communities they represent, but also generally accepted to be The Greatest by mainstream media as well. It was the best of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the epoch of belief, it was the season of Light, it was the spring of hope, we had everything before us, we were all going to heaven. It was Tale of One City – Bushwick. Alas.

The University of Lima is a place that has never existed until this exact moment. In fact, it might be a very elaborate figment of Finn’s imagination. For one thing, you can just start classes at any old time during the semester. And for another thing, the entire campus is a non-stop clown-fueled rager. Finn is happier than ever here. People dancing on tabletops in the library, people dancing in the fountain in the courtyard, people dancing on top of a sleeping Noah Puckerman on Finn’s dorm room floor. Puck? Puck! He lives here now. He and Finn do that Joey/Chandler thing where they jump up and down and twirl all around while locked in a hug.

At McKinley, the kids are all recovering from the gun incident in their own ways. Brittany, for example, has decided to concentrate on her post-high school education. MIT has put out feelers, but their arts and crafts classes leave a lot to be desired. Tina is going full steampunk. Sam is splitting his identity between regular Sam and his Australian(?) twin brother Evan. And Marley has decided to stop hiding her beautiful, behatted, wildly naive light under a bushel. She is going to release her Original Songs out into the wild.

But first! NeNe Leakes is back! Apparently the head Cheerios job at McKinley is so lucrative that Roz abandoned her position as North Korea’s national cheerleading coach to replace Sue Sylvester. I confess that I was yawning and walking toward the kitchen when Will and Beiste were hashing out the never-changing details of Will’s on-going feud with his 18-year-old best friend, but I sat my ass right back down on my couch when Coach Roz stormed into the teacher’s lounge. Beiste and Will are still rightly traumatized by last week’s gun thing, but NeNe is all, “[Cheap racist joke]” and even the background actors roll their eyes.

Oh, and Unique has started taking birth control because she read somewhere that it will enhance her breast size. She says loads of trans* kids are doing it, which: a) Is this the first time we’ve actually heard Unique refer to herself as “Trans*”? If so, that’s a really big moment for this show and for transgender viewers. And b) There’s actually a really intense and interesting and heartbreaking debate going on in the trans* and genderqueer communities right now about using non-prescribed hormones (sometimes purchased from dodgy overseas places) to curb or create different anatomical effects because insurance companies won’t pay for the medicines or procedures that trans* people need. It’s a lot more complicated than Marley and Unique’s nanosecond exchange, but what’s new?

At glee club practice, Mr. Schue announces that this year’s Regionals theme is: DREAMS! And he’s going the literal route. His planned setlist includes “Dream Weaver,” “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This),” and “You Make My Dreams.” Marley asks if it’s open for discussion like it would have been when Finn was their teacher but Will tells her to stuff a cabbie hat in her yap and stop saying her opinions and the name of the world’s most heinous betrayer.

As honorary Rachel, Blaine convenes a secret meeting of the unsupervised glee club – or, as I like to call it: the every other episode of Glee glee club – to bitch about Mr. Schue’s out of touch/dictatorial song choices. Marley suggests that they sing some of her original songs but Kitty vetoes it because she’s pretty sure lyrics about “fat moms” and “barfing” will bum out the judges. While New Directions are discussing their options, Sam and Evan are zooming in and out of the room changing identities and eyewear. Blaine Hermiones that they need to shut him down, but Artie Rons that he’s just trying to have a laugh. For now, they decide to let it slide.

Speaking of which, Finn and Puck have set up a slip-n-slide in their hallway and are charging admission to join the fun. For one bikini top, you get a iron-flavored grilled cheese sandwich and a turn on the slide. Mr. Schue wanders into the chaos to apologize to Finn for not accepting his apology, but Finn rebukes his offer of reconciliation because he’s got frat parties to attend.

Back at McKinley, Will is still yammering about how people in the ’80s sang about dreamin’, but Blaine interrupts him to tell him that his idea for Regionals is shit. OK, and Will Schuester, the grown man who laid all of his and Finn’s drama bare for the whole glee club to see, the guy who dragged an entire gaggle of teenagers with him to reconcile with his fiance, the dude who one time tap danced around in a full matador costume for like six straight minutes, he just comes out of the frame about how these guys aren’t showing him any respect. He yells at Unique to stop talking about her boobs, hollers Sam to stop goofing around about Evan, hisses the word “disappointed” at Blaine, and bounces up out of there to get the cup of coffee he sacrificed when he showed up to choir practice five minutes early.

Like, his attachment to New Directions has ruined at least two of his most intimate relationships, but he’ll be goddamned if he’s going to let these little brats get between him and his teacher’s lounge coffee.

Marley calls Unique and Blaine and Sam together to sing one of her Original Songs. It’s all very, “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.” To the point where I kept expecting Damien to pop up at the back of the auditorium and shout, “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.” Sample lyric: We’re here / to say / who you are / is OK.

…OK?

Well, but those ol’ glee misfits love it. They say she has to tell Mr. Schue about her hidden talent. But don’t even worry about it. Will is creeping on them from backstage and he overhears the whole thing.

Heads up! Best part of the episode – maybe the season! – coming through! Coach Roz calls Blaine and Becky to her office to tell them that she’s real suspicious of the fact that they’re co-captains of the Cheerios. It’s Fruity Fonzie she’s most worried about. Why? Because he’s never done an actual cheer in his life, but he got Sue to make him co-captain and three weeks later she got fired. Coach Roz has a perfectly logical explanation, though: “That makes me think you used your fruity voodoo powers to put a hex on her that caused her to bring a gun to school for no reason and get real clumsy so she drops it twice and it goes off both times. That sounds like some dark-sided fruity voodoo stuff to me.” She says it all in one big breath while Blaine’s face is teetering on the edge between incredulity and delight. Becky very nearly comes out with the truth but gets it together in time to take Roz’s blood oath and loyalty pledge.

Words can’t do justice to the next part. Roz makes Blaine and Becky repeat back a promise never to hex her, emphasis on the “neeeeeevvvver.” It’s so ridiculous and so hilarious. If we get outtakes from any scene this season, I hope it’s this one. The editor probably had 30 takes to work from and Darren Criss must have broken in every one of them because even in the one they aired, he’s almost giggling up when he says “do solemnly swear.”

After the blood oath, Blaine asks Becky what she knows about the gun thing, but she tells him to fuck off and then tips over a xylophone. Like she does.

Whenever Will starts to feel bad about himself, he climbs up onto the stage in the auditorium and shuts his eyes and forgets that matador thing and also how he was tied up in some NSync ropes here just three weeks ago and imagines the whole planet cheering for him and throwing glitter at him and handing him a giant trophy that says “World’s Best.” It’s a thing Finn does too. That’s how come he knows where to find Mr. Schue to propose marriage to him. They agree that they want to be partners, equal partners, legal-at-the-federal-level partners. And then they hug it out.

(This hug is brought to you by Noah Puckerman, who, happy though he is to be living in the middle of a big budget Harlem Shake video, refuses to let Finn derail his dreams of becoming a teacher just because his new favorite fight is the one that’s about your right to paaaartay.)

Inspired by his engagement to the true love of his life – the time-traveling 18-year-old version of himself – Will returns to New Directions to beg their forgiveness and request one of Marley’s Original Songs for Regionals. He makes a 20-minutes speech first, of course, about his glory days and rolls out a red carpet for Finn’s return, but in the end he makes the glee kids happy by listening to their suggestions and letting them sing what they want.

They are, they are, they are / stronger from every scar / brighter than every star. Outcasts, y’all. They’re outcasts.

This is insane. They’re going to get slaughtered at Regionals. If they’re going to sing a song from a Saturday morning cereal commercial, at least they could do the one from Fruity Voodoo Pebbles. Brittany was right. This year’s theme should have been sweaters.

It should come as a surprise to no one that Rachel Berry has installed a Babs-cave in her loft and filled it with all sorts of Streisand artifacts like playbills and records and framed photos of Barbra’s former lovers and used toothbrushes and empty cookie wrappers. It is time for her Funny Girl audition and she’s starting to panic. Frankly, she doesn’t think a “Jew from Ohio” stands a chance, but then she hallucinates a memory of little Rachel, and instead of marrying herself like Schue would do, she remembers the feeling of watching Streisand perform for the first time and summons the courage to do the damn thing.

She goes to NYADA to rehearse and she finds Idina Menzel waiting for her. Shelby taking a lunch break from her day job of running the Fame Institute for Toddlers to offer some words of encouragement and advice to her eldest daughter. Words such as: “You’re beautiful and talented, but honey, don’t do Barbara at your audition. There’s only Barbara and it’s Barbara.” She suggests they team up for a duet on Emeli Sande’s “Next to Me,” just to warm up Rachel’s vocal chords and make her guest appearance worthwhile.  And, as always, Lea and Idina’s voices together sound like the most favored angels from God’s own choir.

Rachel retires to her Bushwick abode and calls Finn so he can tell her her business. It’s not quite as annoying as it usually is because at least she’s soliciting his advice this time instead of having it thrust upon her like some impotent damsel. And anyway, it’s not that weird to call up your ex for a little bit of encouragement every now and then, is it? To reach out when you’re feeling most vulnerable? To thank him for flying to New York without your permission or request to beat the shit out of your secret gigolo boyfriend? Whoops, went once sentence too far and talked myself back into hating it. Finn doesn’t tell Rachel what song to sing, but he does tell her to get back to her star-powered roots.

Her audition is such a pilot flashback. “Hi, I’m Rachel Berry and I’ll be singing a classic.” And the classic is “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Halfway through the song, her brain teleports Kurt and Mercedes and Tina and Finn and Artie right onto the stage with her, wearing exactly what they were wearing the first time they sang this song together, back when we all cried freely and not begrudgingly at this show. It’s very sweet. If the ending was just a little bit different, it could have been a wonderful series finale. (Also, though, I can’t believe they brought back Amber Riley for this episode and only let her do this!) After the audition, one of the judges is like, “You sort of went to a different place in the middle of the song. What were you thinking about?” Rachel smiles wistfully, says, “The good ol’ days, when no one had to get drunk to make it through a 42-minute episode of this show.”

Rachel goes home to wait for her callback. She waits. And waits, and waits, and waits. Luckily, Kurt is there to look hot as all get-out and bake cookies and be her best gay. I told you guys this was going to happen. Remember back when SJP joined this show? I told you she was going to Stanford Blatch Kurt. I told you she was going to bring the Sex and the City curse with her and Kurt was going to be dark-side hexed into Rachel’s sexless, fashionable man-servant. But ha, SJP! Ha ha ha! The joke’s on you because even your boner-killing gay-accessorizing cannot squash the perfectness of Kurt Hummel! Even with only two lines of dialogue and one very amazing moment of stress eating a cookie like a chipmunk strung out on Ritalin he is the best one.

Seriously, though, I do not understand why this show is withholding Kurt and Santana from us. I know Chris Colfer wrote and directed and produced and edited and acted in a movie and wrote a novel and went on a book tour, and so he needed a little more freedom in his schedule, but surely he had enough time/energy to do more than bake some cookies every third episode. And there’s no reason Naya Rivera keeps getting sidelined either. I mean, they’re kind of the best things about this show. Everyone worships them because they’re heaven. And it’s like the more disgruntled we get, the more the show withholds them. It’s maddening! And infuriating! And it’s why all my whiskey is almost all gone!

Anyway, Rachel gets her callback, and so she and Kurt embrace and squeal and jump around.

Next week, with only three episodes left, Glee tries to figure out what the hell kind of direction they’re going in with season four. Blaine attends Sue’s new jazzercise class. Marley writes a song about how it’d be good good / if you would / and you could / yes, you should / buy baked goods. Sam spawns a third, gay personality. Santana starts her job at Coyote Ugly. And somebody is gearing up to ask somebody else to be his husband.

A big thanks to Lindsay (@scenicpenguin) for staying up all night to screencap this thing!

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