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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.10): This is how a heart breaks

OK, we all know this is going to be hard. It was hard to watch. It was hard to process. It was hard to recap. Really hard. Because breakups are hard. People who tell you they’ve had a “good breakup” just mean one of the parties didn’t feel quite as bad about it as the other. But they’re all hard, even if they’re necessary, even if they’re not forever. Good, so now that’s out of the way. We can proceed.

It’s a brand new day and a brand new Bo. Well, not totally brand new. When presented with imminent danger she picks up a bat. Because there’s always time for softball and/or sly lesbian references. Bo, rejuvenated after her successful completion of the Boring Dawning is a flush with power and blue eyes. She feels good, but Kenzi feels bad about the person who seems to be breaking into their shanty. Seriously, how is that place still standing? I can see through the boards to the outside and some sections of wall seem to be covered only in paper mache.

Bo and Kenzi (who has chosen a samurai sword named Geraldine and one boxing glove as her weapons of choice — never change, girl, never change) sneak up to the rattling door and yank it open. Wait, Bo has a door from the outside hallway into her bedroom/bathroom? When did this happen? I need to see the blueprints to this place to understand its counterintuitive structural soundness. But instead of a hulking burglar behind the door they find a startled Lauren who promptly dumps a tray carrying the romantic breakfast in bed surprise for Bo on the floor. Ta-da, hope you like your eggs Formica. But the ruined breakfast food does not harsh Bo’s buzz. While Lauren is still trying to feel her out (not in that way, pity) about her Dawning experience, Bo is all rejuvenated, giving group hugs and trying her hand at cooking. Kenzi is now rightfully suspicious. Body swap, Morrigan parasite, yesterday’s Dollar Store sushi? But no, it appears no great evil is at work, except for Dollar Store sushi. I hope the shanty has more than one toilet.

Meanwhile, teenagers are making out in the woods, which, if you’ve ever watched even one horror movie, you know means teenagers are going to wind up dead. In this case, the fella gets snatched away by what appears to be Oscar the Grouch’s earthy crunchy big brother. The teens were in a juvenile delinquent camp, and Bo and Kenzi go off with Dyson to investigate. Bo is super excited because Bo is super excited about everything these days. The Dawning appears to have had the same effect as drinking a whole pack of 5-Hour Energy shots. She says she’s excited because she gets to show off her skills from being voted best camp counselor three summers running. Were those the same three years she got voted Miss Cherry Blossom?

But less excited is Lauren, who was hoping for some one-on-one succu-time with her girlfriend that didn’t involve broken dishware. She thinks they’ve been a little out of sync of late. And not just because Bo is headed to juvie camp and Lauren went to Space Camp. Bo says she’d much rather spend time with her, but she can definitely be trusted alone with Dyson despite sucking everyone in the room’s chi to save his life and then staring lovingly down at him while you watched. What she is really after is the chance to “take down something big and ferocious and murdery.” Plus, it’s not really her fault, so blame Tamsin already. Luke, this is your foreshadowing talking. Speaking of Tam-Tam, she’s walking through a dark alley minding her own business when she gets ambushed with a blade to her throat. Luckily it’s a friendly gesture, because on the other end of the blade is Sarah Connor. Actually it’s Acacia, a fellow bounty hunter and friend. She hands Tamsin “The Wanderer” tarot card and says “He knows you’ve found her. Now it’s time to finish the job.” And you thought you hated your job. Back at Camp Delinquent, Bo is playing counselor and interviewing the girl whose boyfriend got nature-napped. She tells Bo she smelled smoke, like burning hair, when he was nabbed. So the monster is attacking its victims with an overheated crimper. Now I am truly terrified.

Considerably less terrified is Kenzi who is making friends and influencing juvies as the newest camper. She impresses them with her delinquent skills (making pipe bombs, picking locks, knowing not to rip off pretentious British imports, knowing to pack her thigh-high six-inch boots to bad kid camp — the basics). I always adore undercover Kenzi. Though sorority girl Kenzi and trucker babe Kenzi are my all-time favorites.

Elsewhere in a field on the back of a pick-up, Tamsin and Acacia are catching up and drinking beers. I think I could watch a whole episode of just them doing that. Shooting the shit about the War of 1812 and Tecumseh, you know — girl talk. Well, girl talk for fierce female warrior Valkyries (I’m assuming Acacia is also a Valkyrie, right?). But then Acacia breaks down the pleasantries and asks how Tamsin plans to get out of the serious trouble she is in. That serious trouble being failing to deliver the unaligned succubus to “him.” Tamsin says she’ll offer a trade, but they both know “he” doesn’t want anyone more than Bo. OK, so this guy is either a) Bo’s father or b) The fire-breathing Pegasus Trick had a picture of or c) Odin the Wanderer, a powerful Norse god or d) some combination of the three.

Tamsin is clearly in a pickle here, made even picklier because Bo is stronger now on account of successfully passing through Fae puberty. Acacia has something to help with that, kind of like a reverse Fae Pro-Active. It’s Rune Glass and Tamsin must put in one hair of someone Bo loves, two of someone Bo trusts and three of Bo’s own hairs in it and then the Druid will do the rest, whatever “the rest” is. At camp an oblivious Bo is trying to lead an apathetic group in team-building exercises. Honey, these are juvenile delinquents, whatever you do don’t do a trust fall. I repeat, these kids are the very opposite of trustworthy. But of course, Bo has them do a trust fall. She asks Kenzi to catch her and, come on, we all know where this is going. Bo drops like a stone and then Kenzi describes it as “the funniest shit in the history of both funny and shit.” See, isn’t undercover Kenzi the best? Bo takes her aside and complains within earshot of the group about her behavior and needing to earn their respect. Kenzi wisely tells her to chill, because she is now bigger than the dude in the beret who designs T-shirts for angry youth in their eyes.

In the Hair Club for Valkyrie, Tamsin is sneaking into Dyson’s apartment to steal some of his fur. I’m sure he keeps one of those pet rollers around the house. She finds a comb and I watch very carefully to see if she pulls one or two hairs out of it. I think it’s two, but it’s open to interpretation. She also pulls a smiling picture of Bo out of the same drawer, and that’s less open for interpretation. Actually, I was wrong. Because Tamsin interprets the photo in her own way, which is to have a crisis of conscience. So she throws away the Rune Glass bottle in Dyson’s trash. And while I applaud her actions, there’s no way this can end well for all parties involved. I feel I should launch a Let Tamsin Live campaign immediately. We want more Valkyrie in the fourth season.

Proving my point, when next we see Tamsin she’s being thrown against a brick wall by her throat by a very pissed Acacia. Tamsin says she won’t turn in the “unaligned succubus bitch” and also her name is Bo and also “bitch” is a highly charged pejorative term used to denigrate women’s worth. So cut that out, bitch. But Acacia isn’t worried about the feminist struggle, she just wants to keep from being the star of the newest reality series Dead: The Bounty Hunter. She confesses to Tamsin that she guaranteed she could get her to finish the job. So if Tamsin doesn’t deliver, she will. Then she storms off. I wonder if we’ve seen the last of her, or she’ll be replaced by Lena Headey in future episodes.

Dyson shows up and tells the campers he’s going to lock them in for their own good. But not before he and Kenzi have a prolonged wolves rule/drool convo that spurs the juvies to be this week’s stand in for fandom and exclaim, “Enough with the weird wolf talk.” Afterward Kenzi breaks them out with one of the abundant stolen credit cards (no one checks these kids personal belongings before they check in?) and they go running off in separate directions to save themselves. Has no one ever watched Scooby-Doo? This is a terrible plan.

Bo and Lauren are having a Skype date, sorta. Lauren is relaying information on the autopsy and Bo is talking about them getting away to someplace with sand. She suggests Egypt but Lauren has been there. Can we talk for a second about the vastly different webcam resolutions? Bo’s camera looks like she bought it at the Dollar Store along with the sushi. But their resolution isn’t the only thing out of whack. Lauren says they’ve been so busy doing different stuff. But Bo insists her stuff is Lauren’s stuff and Lauren’s stuff is her stuff. But their relationship status isn’t the only scary monster lurking in the background. Because just then the woodland Grouch attacks Bo and Lauren can only watch. She calls Dyson who rushes in, but the thing runs off. And then they all run off after it. I sure hope Bo popped her head in the webcam to show Lauren she’s OK. That’s just good Skype etiquette. Dyson crashes into Kenzi in the hall, and then they discover the monster’s latest victim, the girl whose boyfriend was snatched before. This is the worst camp ever, I bet they don’t even have s’mores ingredients stocked in the cafeteria.

Tamsin finds a cardboard box waiting on her desk. And then proceeds to reenact the “What’s in the box” scene of Seven. Fine, so it’s not Gwyneth Paltrow‘s severed head, but it is Acacia’s very distinctively tattooed and ringed severed hand. Next to it is the Rune Glass. I’m not sure, this is kind of vague as far as threatening messages go. Just kidding, it’s totally clear. Message received, no need to pull your own hair out about it — just other people’s. So Tamsin saunters into Lauren’s apartment. She does this with the greatest of ease because, once again, Lauren has left her front door wide open. What is the deal with her and doors? Lauren is musing about what Fae is causing all the deaths and Tamsin recognizes it as a tikbalang, a creature form Filipino folklore.

She then plucks an eyelash from Lauren’s face and, only slightly surreptitiously, places it in the bottle. Now that I’m almost certain was just one hair. So, for those keeping score at home: one hair, she loves Lauren and two hairs, she trusts Dyson. But Lauren does not trust Tamsin. Maybe it’s the fact that she helped keep her lady out all day when she should have been smiling and clapping supportively at her big award dinner. Or maybe it’s just her Lesbian Spidey Sense tingling. Because then Tamsin gives her the real reason she should distrust her: The Kiss.

And now Tamsin begins to lay it on thick. It was only that once. It wasn’t that big a deal. And she didn’t even feed off of her. Ooooh, gurl. GURL. But wait, I need a point of order clarification: Doesn’t this count as a kiss, too? I know their first lip-touching exchange was so Bo could feed, but that technically is also a kiss, right? Anyway, sorry, I got caught up on counting again. Stop it, Hannah Horvath.

Regardless of the number of kisses, any kiss is too much for Lauren, who lays down The Slap Heard Around the World. Tamsin looks up in a slow, steady glare that seems to relish the contact. Is this her way of punishing herself for what she is about to do? Or does she just have a little kink? No judgment, let your freak flag fly, honey. Lauren tells her to GTFO and Tamsin complies, leaving her perplexed and shaken and not in the mood to make anyone breakfast in bed anymore.

Bo and Kenzi are back at the shanty talking about the campers. I know, I know — this storyline. No one cares, because we’re overcome with BIG LESBIAN FEELINGS already. And we haven’t even gotten to the BIGGEST LESBIAN FEELINGS part yet. So let’s fast forward. The campers all come to hang out at Bo’s because, I don’t know, safety? Judging by the number of times Bo and Kenzi have been attacked while in their home, this is a terrible plan already. Lauren comes in and confirms their danger, because they’re dealing with, as Kenzi calls it, a ticklebang. They need to smoke it out and cut it’s hair to defeat it. Sounds like a spa day to me. Kenzi asks the group who knows how to make pipe bombs and all the juvies plus Lauren raise their hands. See, Space Camp and Juvie Camp aren’t that different, really. Back at the camp, yadda yadda, bombs go off, yadda yadda, find the ticklebang, yadda yadda, it’s the camp leader from the beginning yadda yadda. Wait, wasn’t Dyson standing right next to her and didn’t he smell the ground with her there and shouldn’t he have noticed her scent? Also, was the Swamp Thing camo just that, a camouflage costume? Or is that part of her Fae thing?

Even though they caught the killer, the most serious action happens right before when Bo tries to process her feelings about the Dawning and saving Dyson with him. She says she’s in love with Lauren, he says “all right.” All right, come on man, a gay lady is trying to process with you. This requires multi-syllabic responses. She asks him if she was hard to date, and he says she was harder to lose. And in the end she says she’s happy they ended up where they are. Him at a bat’s length away. So it’s all over now, right? The drama, the jealousy, the fighting, the pain? Oh, silly rabbit, we haven’t even begun. Lauren returns home and finds her apartment has been Blair Witched. It’s the head juvie boy, who is seeking revenge for his ticklebang girlfriend’s take down. There’s supposed to be some parallel here between a human losing himself in a relationship with a Fae and how Lauren feels. But mostly I just think Lauren feels ouchie because he is kicking her ass — well literally her stomach. But it’s all horrible and painful. Luckily Bo and her trusty bat come in to save the day and the girl. Dyson comes in and hauls him off leaving Bo to tend to Lauren’s wounds. She says seeing her beat up like this breaks her heart. Oh, sweetie, just you wait. Because now, now is time for The Talk. Lauren says she’s not happy. It’s like a dagger to Bo’s happy heart, and ours. Bo says since the Dawning she wants to be happy, live and travel the world — but only with her. But Lauren, she’s tired, so tired. And these last few years with the Fae she feels like she’s losing herself. Bo says to tell her what she needs, anything and she’ll do it.

And then Lauren says, “I think that we need a break.” Oh, God, the dreaded break. Not quite a break up, definitely not a together. A purgatory for feelings to hover until someone decides they’ve had enough and sends them either to heaven or hell. Lauren tells her, “I think that I am always going to be asking from you more than you can give to me.” At first this confused me. Wasn’t it Lauren who felt exhausted and worn out and Bo who felt energized? But then it made sense. Lauren is exhausted from wanting someone who can’t physically ever have enough with just her. And, despite all the science and evidence and intelligence in the world, the heart wants what it wants. It wants to be the only one. Bo stammers on about space and taking all the time she needs and her not going anywhere. But the heart wants what it wants, and it wants to have Lauren in her arms right now. But she leaves, and before she makes the door turns. “This is just a break, right?” And in that moment, we are all Bo.

Lauren heads to the Dal to drown her sorrows. Hey, weren’t you trying to get away from all your Fae troubles? Isn’t there a nice human lesbian bar somewhere you can grab a Pinot Grigio? Because you definitely won’t run into your maybe exes definitely ex. Dyson bellies up and Lauren tells him she thought he was the enemy and would swoop Bo away, but she did a fine job of screwing it up all by herself. Dyson responds with the only appropriate answer to such heartbreak: shots. And then they commiserate at the beautiful pain of letting go of Bo.

It’s sweet, these two so-called rivals sitting side by side discussing Bo’s brave and noble heart. And also how she was the best sex they’ll ever have. OK, that part was less sweet. But then Lauren asks how she’ll ever get over her and Dyson says he’ll let her know. Wait, it’s just a break, right? RIGHT? Dammit, now I need a shot. Bo is already packing up Lauren’s stuff for her. These include some DVDs of what I can only assume are some Pretty Little Liars season DVDs for late night marathoning. You just know Bo likes to scream sleuthing tips at Hanna and Lauren feel her inner Spencer.

Tamsin breezes in and comments on Bo’s sad Lauren box. When Bo promises she’ll fix this, Tam gives her a coy, “If that’s what you want.” And then a moment of real sympathy flashes over her face, followed by a very fake sympathy hug. All just a ploy, of course, to pull three of Bo’s hairs out and pops them in the vial. Bo asks if she wants to be her drunk buddy for the night and Tamsin says sure before striding out while the wine is being poured. Rude. Bo feels the little bald spot of her doing and then goes blue. Oh, Tamsin, you’d better run. Big Bad Bo is on to you. KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I interrupting your softball game? Can you please grab a big girl weapon.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Are Bo and the bat the new OTP? Too soon?

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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