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“Lost Girl” recap (3.09): A girl walks into a Dawning

Right, so I’m not sure. Do you guys have some BIG LESBIAN FEELINGS (234-comments worth) about this season of Lost Girl? Well, prepare for those feelings to get even bigger because there’s a wolf in hero’s clothing in Bo’s bed. And he just got her pregnant. Lesbian Bat Signal, activated. Meanwhile, in a non-alternate universe, Bo and Kenzi (oh, hai Kenzi — we missed you) are chasing after a rather large, bearded Fae fellow for his sweat. It’s just more super gross preparation for the Dawning. You know, the most important, the most grueling, the most brutal challenge of Bo’s life.

So guess what that obviously means — time for girl talk! Bo frets to Kenzi over Lauren not answering any of her last 27 texts. Oh, and about the fact that she kissed Tamsin. Kenzi mirrors a large portion of the AfterEllen readership by responding, “Dude, that is so inconsiderate to Lauren. Wait, you kissed Tamsin? Um, that’s kind of hot. Tell me more.” Just then the original opposing points of the triangle-turned-trapezoid meet in an awkward exchange in Lauren’s apartment. Dyson drops by to give Lauren some files. And Lauren admits she’s been working feverishly on any kind of sciencey solution to Bo’s dilemma. This, in a strange way, bonds them. You know that saying the enemy of my enemy is my friend? Well in this case their common, uniting enemy is the Dawning.

In a classic moment of Lauren’s quietly controlled honesty, she confesses to the one other person who probably understands that she sometimes has a hard time believing that she ever found someone like Bo, or that she even exists. And in another classic Lauren move, she smiles that smirk with those downturned eyes that melts our hearts into a collective warm puddle of emotions. Dyson says he’s glad she and Bo are in such a good place, and leaves. Actions speak louder than words, wolfie. No sit, stay and be a good boy. Back in the chase, Bo and Kenzi wind up in a warehouse where instead of finding hairy man musk they find lacy supermodels. Not that I am complaining. Stella has tricked Bo into stumbling on an all-you-can-suck smorgasbord to power up for the Dawning. Consider it the succubus equivalent of carbo loading. But instead of pigging out at the buff bod buffet, Bo gets indignant. She refuses to feed because — wait, why now exactly?

Bo has been able to control her feeds and not kill her human snacks for years now. I really hope this isn’t some crazy fad diet. This is no time to try the Master Cleanse, honey. Nosh a little. It would be such a shame to let such a quality meat tray go to waste. Back at the Succubus Shack, Bo is still ranting about Stella’s shady meal plan. But Kenzi is starting to worry. She joins in solidarity with all the Crazy Cat Ladies of the Internet and asks the unaskable questions: “What happens to cats when their owners die?”

But she quickly snaps herself out of her own funk, promises Bo mojitos at the end of her Dawning, even if she comes out of it with horns. Heck, even if she comes out of it with a dong. This earns her a well-earned punch in the arm from Bo and a definitive “No dong” declaration. Damn right, no dong. I’m going to get that printed on T-shirts and sell them outside of Tegan & Sara concerts. You know those puppies would sell like super gay hotcakes.

Finally, it’s time to get this party started. Everyone meets for this most sacred of ceremonies at the Dal, which makes me think there might be a lot of undiagnosed alcoholism in the Fae world. Kenzi is there, much to Stella’s chagrin. Stella’s all like, didn’t you see the “No Humans Allowed” sign I posted over the door. And Kenzi is all like, don’t worry, toots, I won’t live tweet it. Though, you know she secretly Instagramed the hors d’oeuvres because if we don’t share photos of our food how will people know we exist? Then Stella leans over and whispers the answer to the earlier cat/owner question in her ear. From the look on Kenzi’s face, not even a million cute cat gifs can make things better. Bo is making one last desperate attempt to reach Lo (Really, are we still trying to make that happen? It’s like fetch, it’s never going to happen.) But then Lauren walks in and says she’s been ignoring her for science, I mean love. Bo says it’s OK. Lauren says it’s not. Then grandpa docc-block strides in and whisks her away to draw on her forehead. No, really.

Granddaughter thanks grandfather, not for the finger painting, but for always being there for her. True, Trick has always been there to keep things from Bo — like her true identity or her mother’s identity or to immediately identify when she is starting the Dawning — I could go on. But they hug it out anyway because they’re not called horrible family secrets for nothing. And so it begins. Stella says she can pick a weapon to take with her, but only if she picks a side first. Bo says she likes the ring of “The Unaligned Succubus” and declines. Then Dyson strides up and offers himself as “Hand.” I already don’t like the sound of that. No hands, no dongs, no appendages of any kind around Bo, buster. But then of all people Lauren says she should accept. Though you can see where she’s coming from — anything that will help bring Bo back to her in one piece sounds pretty OK at this point. And then they kiss, not goodbye but for luck. It’s lovely, just lovely. But then Dyson’s big head ruins everything. And it was just last week when we were all fretting/fawning over Copubus/Valkybus/Tamsin-is-hottiebus. Yeah, we’ve got bigger fish to fry now. Remember, the whole enemy of my enemy is my friend thing? Applies here, too. And, just like the Dawning, this enemy’s name also starts with a D. They pass through the threshold to the temple and wind up right back at the bar. Dyson immediately thinks they should have a cold one. Seriously, is there no Fae equivalent to the 12 Steps? But it’s not exactly the same bar because something is off. For one, Dion’s “The Wanderer” is playing super loud over the stereo. Oh, please, we all knew we hadn’t seen the last of that ominous tarot card. And the hot model/would-be snack keeps popping up in pictures everywhere, too. Just then a janitor comes up and explains the rules. Find the key, get out of the temple, pass the Dawning. Easy peasy. Right, so did anyone expect this whole big Fae bat mitzvah hoo-ha to be a little more, I don’t know, grand? Like maybe with robes and incense and ritualistic flogging? Nope, just a guy in coveralls with a broom. Is this a sacred ritual or the opening to the Carol Burnett Show?

Back in the real Dal, Kenzi is still upset about the whole abandoned pet scenario. Trick reassures her that if Bo doesn’t make it, Dyson or Hale could always use a scullery maid. But then he concedes that he thinks of her as family, and would gladly claim her if the worst happens. She’ll always have a place in our world. This almost makes up for all of his Fae rules/Human drools talk from before. Almost.

Speaking of rules, isn’t one of the big ones to run away from the sound of growling? Instead, Dyson is lending a hand by quite literally dragging Bo directly toward the sound of danger. But then when it arrives — in the form of a squinty monster with the worst crows feet you’ve ever seen — he’s no use after one swipe of the beast’s claws. Some hero. And while we’re grinding axes, what is this business about Bo needing a hero to save her in the first place? She doesn’t need a man or a wolf or anyone to save her. She has been saving herself her own way just fine all this time, thank you. Be your own hero.

Bo says as much, telling him to stop monster-blocking her with his “male-honor bullshit.” And then Dyson admits he doesn’t have solely chivalrous reasons for being there. He loves her, he’ll always love her. And if that wasn’t insufferable enough he declares, “I’m just a wolf, standing in front of a succubus, asking her…” This earns him a well-deserved punch in the chest because you, sir, are no Julia Roberts.

Bo asks what happens now and Dyson says nothing, but to ask again in 100 years. At this point, I had such high hopes for a neat and respectful end to the Bo-Dyson saga. Give them a moment, tie it up with a bow, set it on a shelf. And before it gets too bad, squinty eyes shows up as the face of fandom and breaks up the kissyface. So remember that movie Mulholland Dr. where Naomi Watts fantasizes that she’s an aspiring actress who meets a sultry stranger and begins a steamy affair with her only to be sucked through a portal in a blue box to awaken and find she’s put a hit out on her girlfriend instead in a fit of jealous rage? Or, at least, I think that’s what happened. Well, it’s like that for Bo. She wrestles a key away from the demon and gets sucked into an alternate universe. In it she is a cop. Lauren is her police partner/ex-lover. Dyson is her doctor husband. Kenzi (sorry, MacKenzie) is her key informant. And Trick is her gruff chief. It’s pretty trippy, and that’s even before we realize Doccubus has now become Copubus. To quote Keanu Reeves in every movie ever, “Whoa.” Still even though they’re stuck in a bizarro world of Bo’s subconscious, the issues remain the same. Lauren can’t stop thinking about losing Bo’s love. Kenzi frets about being left alone. Trick wants to protect his kind most of all. Dyson just wants to be a hero. And Tamsin, she’s there to clip flowers with bloody fingers. Hey, everything doesn’t have to make sense in a David Lynch movie, OK? But then we morph into that episode of Buffy where they try to convince her she has hallucinated her entire vampire slayer universe and is really a psychiatric patient suffering a mental break. Dyson ask Bo if she’s been taking her meds, because remember what happened without them. So with her heavily drugged, they’ve got a perfect life. Got it. Throw in a straitjacket and it sounds just like heaven.

Bo then wanders into a scene from her own past. Her faceless father rocks her, and then her homicidal mother steals her. And as if birth/death metaphor wasn’t strong enough we’re back to Bo thinking she’s pregnant with Dyson’s baby. But she isn’t, she’s just devolving. And Dyson is the key. Or maybe Bo is the key. I’m not really sure. I just know it all of a sudden turns into “The Becoming: Part 3” with Bo stabbing Dyson to save the world followed by a lot of sobbing. But hey, it worked. Because the key (the same symbol from Trick’s finger painting and MacKenzie’s necklace) appears in her hand. And the janitor is back talking about how Dyson sacrificed his corporeal life for her and only one may leave. You see, the Dawning was never a physical challenge. It was just a mental exercise. Solve the riddle of the key, graduate Fae puberty and leave acne behind forever. I don’t know about you, but I expected it to be, well, harder.

Bo refuses to accept the rules, because that’s pretty much her thing. She draws the key on the ground, determined to take Dyson back with her. The janitor warns her the temple can be vengeful, but Bo says, “Trust me, he’s worth it.” But is he, really? I mean, he’s a nice guy and all. But that white knight complex is way out of control. And there’s always the possibility of fleas. Through the key portal they go anyway, and back in the Dal they land. But Dyson’s still dead. Lauren rushes in and performs CPR (though thankfully not mouth-to-mouth because that would be too much like ships colliding in the night). So Bo works herself into hysterics until she goes full Super Succubus again. Like total blue eyes, red skin, deep voice Hulk out. To save Dyson she pulls a Dyson and vaccusucks the chi out of everyone in the room — and I mean everyone. Lauren, Kenzi, Trick, Stella. And for good measure she adds in some stuff about reigning the masses and being feared by death and saying only she will choose who lives. Just your average B-grade God complex, nothing to see here, folks. She stops short of taking anyone’s life — see, I told you, those models would have been just a tasty treat — and then plays an elaborate game of suck-and-blow to reanimate Dyson with their chi.

He sputters back and the relief on Bo’s face brings the opposite of relief to Lauren’s face. Dammit, people, this is why we can’t have nice things. Now that her awkward teen years are over, Bo dissects her victory with Kenzi at — where else? — the bar. Everyone is proud of her and glad she’s back. She’s happy she was able to control her super sucking. Yadda yadda. Is no one going to address the elephant in the room? Hello, serious ominous voiceover megalomania much?

But, don’t worry, I’m sure Trick will tell Bo all about her fire-breathing Pegasus father some day. KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Me, I prefer to do mine on Fridays.

“Me and Trick only talk sweat on Tuesdays. We gansta like that.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

To paraphrase A Chorus Line, tits and ass can save Bo’s life.

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