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“Glee” recap 4.15: Rooting Around

Previously on Glee, Emma left Will at the altar, and all the sex was had that day. Spurred into action by the memory of their many failed nuptials, Rachel and Finn did (unprotected?) things to each other. Buying into the guise of “bros helping bros,” Kurt and Blaine also did things. Under the influence of much wine and even more dance floor canoodling, Quinn and Santana did scissor-type things – twice. Also, Kurt said “VapoRape” and Brittany and Santana stared forlornly at each other and Becky the Flower Girl was a modern marvel. Oh, and Brody was a gigolo.

Emma Pillsbury is looking ever so fly in a lady-tuxedo and performing a black-and-white rendition of “You Are All the World to Me” a la Fred Astaire in Royal Wedding. It’s edited together like a single take, which is almost as impressive as the fact this show has been able to keep Jayma Mays‘ voice a secret for so long. You can bet “I Do” and “Girls (And Boys) On Film” is gonna make her Emmy reel this year. It’s a great performance, but alas, it’s only happening inside Will Schuester’s head.

His very fancy heartbreak dreams inspire him to make this week’s theme: MOVIES! Girls vs. Boys in an ’80s movie mash-up skirmish. Winners get leads in Artie’s senior microbudget film, a roman à clef titled “Plague of the Noobs.”

But before they can make the gender-specific magic happen, New Directions decides to go a practice round with Shout!. The song itself – Glee‘s 500th, in case you missed the Twitter hashtag on the bottom of the screen, or the one million promos leading into this week – is fine and fun, but what’s wonderful is the balls-to-the-wall choreography, in which Blaine and Brittany lead the glee club through the whole school, hyperspeed grapevining and army crawling and hopping around the cafeteria like they’re jacked out of their minds. Obviously, the best part is Sugar Motta workin’ her swerve high atop a library table. (Girl, where you been?) But also notable is the way the whole school joins in on the tomfoolery, singing and cheering and totally forgetting the part where Sue called glee kids “subbasement” way back in the pilot.

Since Finn and Artie aren’t competing in the Girls vs. Boys movie competition, they take it upon themselves to track down Emma for Will. It’s no Blam! black ops plan, but you can’t blame them for lacking Blaine and Sam’s collective imaginations, and costume collection. They get themselves a couple of wigs and call Emma’s parents in to ask for some help bringing back the faculty adviser of the Stop Ginger Bullying club. Pretty sure J.K. Rowling already dealt with that problem when she created the Weasleys, guys. But Emma’s parents buy into their scheme, even though they’re pretty sure Emma is terrible at her job since no one ever applies to college around here until the morning college starts. They give her the address of Emma’s sister’s castle, where Emma is hiding away from Will.

The only thing ’80s-er than mashing up “Batdance” with Howard the Duck is mashing up Top Gun and Risky Business. Blaine, Artie, and Jesus are fighter pilots (Maverick, Iceman, and Goose, respectively) and Sam, Ryder, and Jake are white button-ups and whitey tighties and athletic socks. Sam is comfortable in this costume because of his stripper days. And Ryder and Jake are comfortable in these costumes because this is how they spend every Sunday together, after church. Obviously, Top Gun is the most homoerotic movie of all time, so that’s also correct. It’s a really good performance; Artie’s chair even gets used as a jet!

Before the girls perform, Kitty corners Marley in the bathroom and tells her she’s been running subterfuge on her for months now, just because she was bored, but that she’s (mostly) sorry and probably they should be BFFs since they’re going to be sisters-in-law one day because they’re both dating Puckermans. (Oh, Puck. You dumbass. At least go to jail for something noble like taking the fall for your brother’s chop shop, like Tim Riggins.) (This school desperately needs a Tami Taylor.) Marley’s response to Kitty’s confession of duplicitousness is to immediately confide in her that she kissed Ryder after his Cyrano routine on Valentine’s Day.

Anyway, the girls’ mashup is “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend/Material Girl.” They’re dressed like when your friend picked out her bridesmaids dresses when she was seven years old playing Barbies and wouldn’t listen to reason when you told her maybe this wasn’t the best fashion choice for adult human beings. My favorite thing about it is that Unique gets the lead and even the most suggestive line about “Come and get me, boys!” which is cool because it means the show has now given her full permission to embrace the woman inside her, sexiness and all, and if that makes you uncomfortable, rural America, change the channel.

Finn convinces Will that he has to go after Emma if he really wants to save their relationship, so Schue takes one dozen teenagers with him to try to reconcile with his fiance. A lot of people (everybody in my Twitter stream, at least) haaaated this Say Anything shout-out, but I reeeeaaally love that movie and this song and they sound fantastic. Besides, how else would we have gotten to see Sugar in her bear-ear hat? Once Emma comes down to meet Will, the kids skedaddle hilariously away and Will and Emma decide to start getting to know each other all over again, this Friday, with a movie. Anything else you want to say, Emma? Before Finn Hudson has a chance to ruin your life? No? You’re good?

Back at school, Jake confesses to Marley that Ryder thought up all that Valentine’s Day stuff, but all this ’80s reminiscing has inspired him, Ghost-wise. They do some four-handed clay-making (not a euphemism) and sing “Unchained Melody,” but Marley checks out in the middle of the song to watch two other people at the pottery wheel. If you didn’t think she was going to imagine Ryder and Jake, face-to-face, hands in the mud, serenading each other, well, you are reading the wrong website. I knew it was going to be them. I knew it. But nope. Marley just hallucinated herself turning clay with Ryder instead. Boooorrrrring. After the song and the crafting, Marley confesses to Jake that Ryder kissed her and that she let him and Jake sad puppies right out of the room.

Also confessing: Finn Hudson. After Will announces that everyone is the winner of the movie showdown – “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS?!” Blaine moans and gesticulates in such a way that ensures him forever favorite GIF status – Finn drags Will out in the hall and tells him about how he kissed Emma. He asks Will to punch him in the throat, but Will just stares at him for a hundred years and then walks right past him all teary eyes and broken hearts.

New Directions close it out with “Footloose.” It’s a weird tonal shift, but, again, this choreography is great and the energy is electric and Heather Morris literally takes off her shoe at the “kick off your Sunday shoes” part and any time we can make it out of the McKinley scenes without my brain catching itself on fire, we’re gonna call it a win. Only thing missing was a chance for Sam to do a Kevin Bacon impression.

When the NYADA storyline kicks off with Santana framed in snowy New York window, you know it’s going to be a good day. When she voices over her feelings about being stranded in a blizzard with a bunch of theater kids, all, “It’s like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie and this is the scene right before we all eat each other,” you know it’s going to be a perfect day. Snowbound together are new roomies Kurt and Rachel and Santana, and also Adam of Adam’s Apples, who is adorably whiling away the day doing Downton Abbey impressions. Santana tries her damndest to make conversation, even attempting to engage Adam on every Anglophile’s favorite topic: Doctor Who. Only, Santana’s “damndest” attempts at politeness last about 5 seconds, tops, so she decides to toss a firework on this pile of homo-kindling and get the party started.

First topic of conversation: Blaine. Is Kurt dating Adam? Because he and Blaine were seen groping one another in no less than eleven locations during Mr. Schue’s wedding. Like, at one point, Mercedes legitimately had to drag their half clothed asses from the backseat of a car so they didn’t miss the alleged ceremony. Second topic of conversation: Why is Rachel so bloated lately?

Rachel bursts out of the bathroom and says Santana has to leave because she’s making her uncomfortable and Brody uncomfortable, and this is her and Kurt’s sanctuary. Kurt’s face is like, “You weren’t calling it our sanctuary when Brody was prancing around here naked three weeks ago runing Cocoa Pebbles time.” He says they should all just relax and have a movie marathon, to which end Santana suggests a whole bunch of pregnancy movies that Rachel doesn’t want to watch. Kurt, amazingly: “Oh, reaaally, Rachel? Not even She’s Having a Baby, ’cause you always cry at the end when Elizabeth McGovern has the baaaaaby.” But no. Baby movies are out. And so Moulin Rouge it is! (We love those dancin’ hoes!)

Blaine leads us in on “Come What May” on an almost shot-for-shot remake of the movie. The set, though, is a kind of cross between the film and what Kurt’s Bushwick roof would look like. Kurt and Blaine sing to each other and hold each other and promise to love each other until their dying days, and the whole time that’s happening, it’s all gauzy flashbacks to the first time they saw each other, the first time they slept with each other, their hands intertwined. The way it’s introduced into the episode, especially after Will’s opening dream sequence, especially knowing what we know about how Blaine is the one who refuses to let go, you totally think it’s Blaine imagining this scene, so at the end, when we find out it’s Kurt, it’s even more of a kick in the heart. His face is so broken because his heart is betraying his head. He doesn’t want to be remembering and he doesn’t want to be hoping and he doesn’t want to be projecting his hidden desires onto the screen, but he cannot help himself.

It’s hard to recap Glee a lot of times because there’s no way to do it and make everyone happy. Shipping is a bloodsport and someone is always gunning for you. And the thing is, I don’t really have an emotional stake in any of these couples. I don’t read their fanfic or watch their fanvids or speculate about their endgame potential in forums. Not because it’s weird or anything, but because when you start doing that kind of stuff, it clouds your ability to be fair to the million other gay shippers who deserve to have their voices heard on AfterElton and AfterEllen too. But there is something about Kurt and Blaine that gets to me no matter how objective I try to remain. If you write about TV for long enough, your heart starts checking out of the experience, but goddamn, man, watching these two sometimes, watching this scene right now – it’s like, every gay thing on TV, I’m always thinking about the emotional ramifications for the LGBT community, the potential for the writers to fuck it all up, how the gay thing is playing to straight people and what the social impact will be.

But Kurt and Blaine doing “Come What May”? I’m not thinking any of that stuff. For three glorious minutes I’m just a gay girl on her couch feeling feelings. Feelings like I felt like when I watched TV as a kid, like it was magic. Deep blue soul magic. Kurt and Blaine fit so effortlessly together and I’m all sighs and cries. I guess that makes me Klainer 12s or whatever, but it’s not everyday a professional TV critic gets to watch TV with her heart.

Jesus. Santana, save me from myself!

Like I said, Kurt is sobbing, which Adam notices because his head is resting on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt tries to play it off as contact problems, but Santana is like, “Pretty sure those are actual tears based on the fact that this is your wedding song with Blaine. Also pretty sure you told me singing this with him would be more intimate that actual sex.” But enough of that. Santana has other business to attend to. Naya Rivera is so good in this scene, it would be unfair of me to give it to you any way but straight:

Santana: I have something to say. I have tried to keep it to myself, but I will be silent no more. That Brody character is a freaking psycho. Rachel: Here we go. Kurt: Go on. Santana: Listen, when I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelled all talcum-y, like a Cabbage Patch doll, and then he said I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I had my first makeover and I was like, “What does that even mean? Like, who are you?” Adam: Come on, Brody’s a sweetheart. Santana: That’s what I told myself. You know, I said, “So what if he’s completely hairless and made out of plastic?” I’m going to look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting porn star landing strip. I’m going to give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance, but then, I found this: $1,200 in cash.
Rachel: When did you find that? Santana: Last night, when I was rooting through all the pockets and drawers in this apartment. Rachel: Wait, what? Kurt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rachel: Santana, you went through all of our stuff? Santana: Yeah. That’s a thing I do. Kurt: That’s completely unacceptable. Santana: Oh, OK. I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in, and goes through all your stuff, you’re offended?

Adam: Just because he has a little bit of money on him doesn’t mean he’s a psycho. Santana: That’s what I thought! Right? Who cares if he’s terrified of banks, because if I were made out of plastic, I’d be scared of a lot of things too: open flames, barbecues – but then I found this. Kurt: What is that? Rachel: Is it a garage door opener? Santana: This is a pager, my friends. And there’s only one type of person who carries cash and a pager. Your friend Brody is a drug dealer.

The best joke of this whole episode is how Kurt is so done with Santana until she starts throwing shade at Broday, and suddenly he’s her best mate. They tell Rachel to call Brody and see if he’s out dealing, but he just kind of blows her off and says he’ll be home soon and gets back to hooking out in the snow. Also hilarious is how Adam has literally zero idea how to respond to Santana. He keeps trying to infuse some optimism into the situation, or at least make eye contact with Kurt, like, “Is she for real?” But Kurt and Rachel are so used to her amazingness, they just roll with it.

After the blizzard, Adam tracks down Kurt at NYADA and asks him straight up if Kurt is using him as a rebound. It’s easily the most emotionally mature thing we’ve ever seen anyone do on this show, including every adult ever. And Kurt is equally as awesome in his reply. He responds as kindly as the question and says that he isn’t over Blaine, but that he desperately wants to be over him. Adam’s no dummy. When you’ve got a guy like Kurt Hummel standing in front of you with his palms outstretched and his heart open wide, you don’t turn him away just because he’s got ex-boyfriend baggage. He takes Kurt’s hand and tells him they’re going to find the sweetest, sexiest, sappiest movie in the world and they’re going to start making their own rooftop memories. Adam is a dreamboat. I really do think Kurt should blow his whistle, even if it’s just for a little while.

Back in the Bushwick loft, Santana has finally experienced every gross New York thing in one day and finally she feels at home. So she goes ahead and asks Rachel if she’s pregnant, on account of she found a positive pregnancy test when she was rifling through Rachel’s shit the other day. The way she’s so matter-of-fact about it, and then the way she immediately turns her nurture on when Rachel collapses into her arms, it kind of makes you wonder if she found Quinn’s pregnancy test all those years ago while rootin’ around in her locker. If history really is repeating itself, I guess that means we’ll get a Pezberry hookup sometime around season six!

Next week: Will and Finn pitch slap each other to some ‘N Sync, Santana chops up Brody and stashes his remains in all the secret hiding spots she discovered in her new loft, and Becky smacks Blaine right on dat ass.

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