“Pretty Little Liars” recap 3.22: Hastings, Interrupted


OK, so Ashley Marin is up for a job promotion that will take her to Manhattan. On the plus side, NYC boasts 97 percent less murders per year than Rosewood. On the down side, bank security is much tighter. She’s thinking of bailing on her interview because she doesn’t want to leave Hanna alone at home because there’s been a ghost twin lurking around upstairs since Halloween, and also Wilden very seriously threatened to shoot Hanna with his gun just a couple of days ago, and also just regular homicidal shenanigans that come with living in this town. Hanna says she’ll stay with Emily for a couple of days, which is incorrect! The correct answer is to bring back Mamaw Marin for the duration of this season! She can sing at whoever’s funeral and say more things about wiping dew from lilies!

Emily corners Dr. Sullivan on the street and asks if there’s such a thing as client-patient privilege, and Dr. Sullivan fully snorts before telling her all the crazy shit Spencer’s been saying at Radley, including how she found Toby’s dead body in the woods. Toby’s parents cannot be reached for confirmation or comment, though. Then Dr. Sullivan goes, “But anyway, last time I saw you, you’d broken out of that hypnosis where I was convincing you that you murdered Ali, and the time before that when I saw you, I just randomly showed up at the scene of the accident where Spencer threw Mona off a cliff, and the time before that when I saw you, it was just my boots buried in the dirt near the place where you were making out with your dead girlfriend’s ghost. How ya been, girl?”

Ella and Byron do some Ezria black ops at school, meeting up in the night to discuss whether or not it’s a good idea to help him get a job and stabilize his family. “Good” as in “Do you think it’ll break up him and Aria?” Ella is skeptical on account of they’ve already done this storyline three times and she’d much rather be making out with her hot barista boyfriend than doing secret meetings with Byron in the night. Also, their son has been missing for months, so maybe they should tackle that before they start meddling in Aria’s lesbian love life again.

Boo! Radley! “No, no, no, no, no, that’s not right,” is what Spencer sobs into her hands as Dr. Sullivan tries to convince her that Toby is still alive. She’s like, “Hold still and let me hypnotize you,” but Spencer cracks because she finally remembers that the best thing about being Spencer Hastings is the part where she doesn’t have to face down the cruelness of the world or the demons in her head by herself. She keeps Aria and Hanna and Emily safe, yeah. But Aria and Hanna and Emily keep her safe too. She asks when she can see them, breaks and says please. When Anne says no, Spencer says, “Tell them I miss them.”

Goddammit, you stupid A-team! I hate your ass faces!

Former Paige-scissorer and current costume shop employee Shana texts Emily to meet her at the Brew because — get a load of this — Shana met adorable Olympian Missy Franklin in an airport in Colorado and then saw her again when they landed in Philly and then invited her to drive to the homicide capital of the northeast to meet a friend of hers who swims for her high school. And Missy Franklin got in the car and came here. On the one hand, what in the world? But on the other hand, just watching her swim in London this summer, didn’t you kind of get the idea that she was just sweet and naive enough to go with a hippie to a second location? Emily is starstruck in the most hilarious way. They talk about whatever swim things before Missy has to catch her flight back home, and after she’s gone, Shana is like, “When Paige wasn’t telling you how she boned me, I guess she also wasn’t telling you I am a swimmer too? That was weird of her.”

What’s so amazing and correct about this situation is that Shana is super hot and super charming enough to pull Missy Franklin, but instead of making a play for her, she offers America’s swimming sweetheart up to Emily in exchange for Paige McCullers. Missy: These are my four gold medals. Paige: These cupcakes taste like old pennies. Missy: I represented my country in the official Games of the 30th Olympiad. Paige: I accidentally roofied you. Missy: I call baby pigs “tiny snorfers.” Paige: I will literally fucking kill whoever dicked with you that night of a thousand nights.

I’d choose Paige McCullers too. Any day forever.

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