“Glee” recap 4.14: The Bitch-Goddess Spectrum


Blaine offers Kurt some punch and Kurt accepts under the condition that it’s “just friends” punch. Blaine kins of rolls his eyes, like, “Whatever you need to tell yourself, buddy” and skips off, leaving Kurt alone with some baby cupcakes and a very angry Cohen-Chang. She rails at him for like five minutes about how he doesn’t deserve Blaine’s affection and Kurt is, once again, the actual voice of fandom: “Oh, Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw was coming is here. You’re a hag. You’re hagged out. You’re in love with Blaine and it’s creepy. Stop.” And just when you thought he’d peaked on amazingness, he raises the bar even higher by saying the word, “VapoRape.”

Sue takes it upon herself to toss Emma’s wedding bouquet, but first she gives a speech about the gross commercialism of Valentine’s Day while Santana nods sagely in the background. Santana and Quinn are too busy canoodling to pay attention to the bouquet, and even though Sam is wringing his hands and hoping, it is Rachel Berry whose false dreams and ridiculous expectations are enabled by catching the magical flowers. If you think Finn uses it as an excuse to say the word “endgame” out loud to Rachel, you are correct. But the most important thing isn’t the talky words; it’s the singy words. Because singy words lead to slow-dance montages and slow-dance montages lead to sexy-times.

The song is Bob Seger‘s “We’ve Got Tonight.” Blaine is wrapped around Kurt and Quinn is wrapped around Santana, both of them in more than “just friends” ways. But just to make it clear, Quinn pulls back from Santana and says, “I’ve never slow-danced with a girl before; I like it.”

Finn and Rachel take their duet to the busiest hotel hallway in the world. First, they run down it singing about how they’re gonna do it so good, and then:

Kurt and Blaine shuffle down the hallway, Blaine smiling wider than we’ve seen in months.

Kurt: “I know it’s late and I know you’re weary.”

Blaine: “I know your plans don’t include me.”

Kurt’s hands: [Pull Blaine into the room by his tie.]

Kurt’s face: [Bro, you’ve got no idea what kind of plans I’ve got for you.]

Santana and Quinn run down the hallway, falling all over each other and giggling about how fucking perfect they are.

Quinn: We’ve got tonight.

Santana: Who needs tomorrow?

Quinn’s face: [Who needs a penis?]

Santana’s face: [Not me and not you.]

Oh, Glee, let’s make it last! Let’s find a way!

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