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“Glee” Recap: (4.02): Tough Love Is Just Mean

Don’t panic, my lovelies. I am not taking over recapping for Glee. Heather Hogan had a family commitment this week, but will back in the saddle for next THursday’s episode. But for this week, you have to deal with my brand of snark and obtuse pop culture references.

The episode begins with our beloved Brittany S. Pierce doing a voiceover about how awesome her life is and how it just can’t get awesomer. She Skype-scissors with Santana, who apparently did go to that college with the cheerleading program. She is captain of the Cheerios. She has a plan to become Senior Class President for life. And she gets to have a great senior year for a second time.

Blaine interrupts her and we find that she was actually speaking her voiceover out loud. Oh BritBrit, never change.

This leads us into our first Britney Spears song, “Hold It Against Me.” This number is either an apology to the lesbian fans for taking away Brittana or its Glee‘s way of appeasing the poor straight men out there who had to endure so much gay last season.

There was also the strange thing in the routine where the Cheerio boys were playing with Klingon Bat’leths, which I didn’t quite understand.

Brittany’s happy train jumps the tracks and crashes into a dynamite storage shed. Her grades have not improved, it seems. Shocking that after absolutely no intervention from anyone, no support, no talks, no plans, her 0.0 GPA has not improved.

Sue kicks her off the Cheerios in an act of tough love. Brittany quietly suggests that “tough love” is code for being mean.

We get a brief glimpse of Santana, who sympathizes with Brittany. And hey, sympathy is super, but maybe as her girlfriend you might want to help her find a plan for graduating? Just a thought.

Lord Tubbington clearly agrees with me, but Brittany refuses to listen to him because he’s joined a gang.

Meanwhile, in the spinoff show that remains attached to the Glee Mothership like a conjoined twin, Rachel is still having trouble with Cassandra July. It’s time to tango in dance class and Cassandra thinks Rachel can’t be sexy and that she moves like she’s ashamed of her body.

I’ve had asshat teachers before, but the thing is, I’m not really sure that refusing to teach your student is really an option, Ms. July. But I understand you are just bitter because everyone sees you as a pale shadow of Lydia Grant from Fame, and who can hope to compare to that?

Brittany is in a downward spiral as a result of being booted off the Cheerios. Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury sit her down and give her a pamphlet to make everything better. She assures them she’s fine since she’s now taking Lord Tubbington’s pills for depression. They are completely okay with that.

Schue decides that rather than tiresome talk of tutors and study groups, the route to Brittany’s salvation is to inspire her through song. Why hasn’t Will been fired yet? Oh, right, he’s teacher of the year.

Anyway…

It’s Britney week. Blaine and Artie kick things off with “Boys.” Something about a gay boy singing this song to the bi girl with a girlfriend, coupled with said girl’s ex boyfriend singing along broke my brain. Or maybe it was the rapping. Hmmm… Could definitely be the rapping.

Brittany is as impressed as I was, chowing down on Oreos through the whole ordeal. She tells Mr. Schue she is inspired and he smiles happily, feeling that his brilliant plan has succeeded.

Over in RachelWorld, Rachel and Kurt are checking out a new place to live. It’s located in Bushwick, which is apparently a real place in Brooklyn. It’s moderately huge, though it lacks a kitchen … and walls … and probably any sort of heating. In fact, it looks like the sort of place they show drug addicts squatting in on Law & Order.

Kurt gushes about how much space they are getting for 1800 bucks a month. I start to wonder where Kurt, son of a “poor auto mechanic” and Rachel, who couldn’t afford a prom dress, plan to come up with all this money. And then I remind myself this is Gleetopia and all is well.

Rachel wants to know if Kurt has heard from Finn. Kurt reminds her that although they are technically step-siblings, they haven’t actually spoken since season 2. Rachel pouts. Apparently, when Finn sobbed and told her she needed to let go of him, she thought he meant just for the summer.

Rachel then confides in Kurt about how mean Cassandra is. Kurt tells her that Cassandra July is a YouTube sensation. Apparently, she stopped a show to go and attack an old man who had failed to silence his cell phone. This killed her career and now she can do nothing but rage at her students.

Back at McKinley. Unique corners Marley to have a little chat about boys. Marley confesses she has a little crush on Jake. This scene, brought to you by the “we need to set up the next number” department leads to “Womanizer.” But hey, it’s got Tina and Unique singing, so I’m happy.

They warn Marley that Jake is a heartbreaker, but will she listen? (Hint: No.)

Back in Rachelvakia, we get a moment with the latest slice of beefcake. Brody is working out, sadly fully-clothed. Rachel asks him to help her prove to Ms. July that she can be sexy. He acts all polite and sweet while his eyes say, “I’m totally going to be nailing you before the week is out.”

McKinleyAgain: Sam, Tina and Junior Jesus sing “Three” which I couldn’t help thinking was written by The Count from Sesame Street. It’s… Well, it happened. Let’s move along.

Brittany has been driven to the edge, either by Oreo overdosing or by bad renditions of Britney songs. She picks up an electric razor which she inexplicably had in her bag and starts to shave off her hair. The kids intervene, thankfully.

Jacob, being the school’s paparazzi, hounds her in the halls. She beats him with her umbrella while someone nearby sobbingly cries, “Leave Britney alone!”

Yep, they went there.

Blaine, Tina and Artie decide that, against all odds, Operation: Sing To BritBrit to Fix Her Problems has failed. The only answer then is to make her the lead vocalist for their upcoming assembly performance.

Mr. Schue encounters Jake pretending he’s a badass while riding his razor scooter through the halls of McKinley. The Puckerman blood does not run strong in this one.

Schue lectures him in his uniquely ineffectual way. Jake tells him “you’re not the boss of me” and scooters away. Schue looks mystified that his award-winning teacher skills have failed him.

Jake meets up with Marley, who informs him that all her friends told her to stay away from him but being a girl on Glee she is incapable of existing without a boy in her life. He asks what the Glee club is doing and when he finds out that it’s Britney Spears he scoffs. He would never lower himself to listening to such drivel.

But when Marley wants to do “You Drive Me Crazy” mashed up with Aerosmith’s “Crazy” he is able to instantly call up the melody on his guitar.

The gang gives Brittany the good news that she will be the lead performer at the assembly. She accepts but tells them it will have to be lip-synched. They protest, but they are overruled by Kiki, the not-Siri voice coming out of Brittany’s new phone.

In Rachelonia, it’s time for Rachel to show Ms. July what she can do. They perform “Oops I Did Again” to a tango. And I go to get a soda while the straight male audience gets more affirmation that they are Glee‘s new key demographic.

Ms. July pish poshes the performance, even though she was totally digging it. Or maybe she, like me, was just imagining Brody naked.

Rachel reminds her that this is Rachelandia of which she is the Queen, CEO and Grand Pooba and all must love her and despair. Then she goes off on Ms. July about how she is just a washed-up has-been. Cassandra lets her have her tantrum and then throws her out of her class. Bam!

McKinley. Some jerks are asses to Marley’s Mom. Jake takes them on in an act of chivalry that belies his Puckerman roots. Schue grabs him and drags him off before the two much-larger boys turn him into tomorrow’s Chef’s Surprise.

Jake is brought before Puck, who has flown out to Ohio from Los Angeles for a five minute chat. He explains that nothing, not football, not his stint in juvie, not banging every chick in school, none of it made him a man. It was Glee club. Because that’s where a man learns to, uh, sway in the background while others get the spotlight.

The assembly happens and to no one’s surprise, it’s a catastrophe. It seems that while our kids can write, memorize and choreograph a number in a matter of hours, they can’t lip synch to save their lives. For the first time ever, they get booed off the stage.

Schue is furious with them. They’re ruined the rep they barely had earned and they had even jeopardized their chances to participate in the show choir competition. I sort of wish someone would point out to him that it was kind of his job to get them ready for this assembly, but naturally no one does.

Brittany has no excuse for her behavior and resigns from Glee Club. Sam looks thoughtful, confused or constipated. Everyone else just looks shocked.

Back in Rachelstein, Rachel slinks into Ms. July’s class to give her teacher a chance to apologize. Well, Rachel first offers an apology, but it’s one of those apologies that is clearly only half-hearted and meant to encourage the other person to acknowledge how wrong they are. Ms. July remains indifferent to the Rachel Berry Charm Spell, but informs her she isn’t actually allowed, under school policy, to throw her off the roof like she wants. So she can come back to class.

McKinley. Sam has Brittany meet him in the auditorium where he tells her he knows what her game is. She’s deliberately hitting rock bottom so she can make a comeback. How Sam figured this out I don’t know. And there is some cuddling here which guarantees death threats being sent to Chord Overstreet by the “Concerned Brittana Shippers Association.”

Brittany goes to Sue to get her position as head Cheerio back. Through uniquely Brit-Brit logic, she asserts she is still Senior Class President and under executive order, Sue must put Brittany back on the Cheerios.

Sue is impressed by this attempt at logic, but insists that Brittany turn her grades around. Brittany lets her know that’s all taken care of. Schue and Emma are devoting one whole afternoon a week to tutoring her!

It’s Glee… It’s Glee… It’s Glee… It’s Glee…

Meanwhile, in Racheleguay, Brody wants to give her flowers and let her know how sexy she is. Rachel is shocked and astounded when she realizes she is the Kit Kat bar that he wants to break a piece off of. He assures her that he will respect her boundaries, but that every time he sees her he will be imagining macking on her.

Time for a restraining order.

McKinley. Marley is about to confess her feelings for Jake when Kitty slithers up and tells her that Baby Puck is all hers. Jake is all, “Yeah, I mean, sorta, but I can totally do you on the side.”

Yep, he’s a Puckerman.

We close with Marley singing the ache in her heart with “Everytime.” Seriously, girl, life is about more than just getting a boy to like you.

Well, that’s all for this week. Hope you enjoyed!

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