This week I answered some really interesting questions, ones that I thought that a lot of people could relate to regardless of their gender or sexuality. I hope that you all find this advice helpful and I am so looking forward to the next batch of questions!
The Best Kept Secret
Hey girl, I hope y’all are all well. I just need a little advice, so I thought I would come to the expert. My best friend has a daughter, Rachel, the same age as my daughter. Her daughter came out to me a long time ago but she did not tell her mom until a few weeks ago. With my daughter’s wedding and everything, my friend has not talked to me about it but has indicated that she needed to. Rachel told me she told her mom and her mom’s reaction was something like, “I’m totally embarrassed.”
I have had Rachel and her partner, Amanda, join us for family camping and pool parties. I love Amanda. She is an elementary school teacher and has a heart of gold. Amanda did not come to my daughter’s wedding because of the friction so I understand that.
But now that the wedding is over, and my husband will be traveling next week, I know Rachel’s mom (my best friend) and I will be getting together. Amanda’s parents told her to make a choice between them and Rachel, so in that aspect, my best friend is taking it better [than Amanda’s parents]. Rachel does not want her mom to know I have known and I don’t either. Her mother and I have been friends for years and she will feel betrayed. However, I will never betray the confidence of one of my kid’s friends unless it is life threatening.
I can act dumb but how do I talk to my best friend and get her to understand that this is not a choice Rachel has made? My girls grew up with Rachel and have taken baths together, went skinny-dipping, and slept in the same bed. They love Rachel for who she is. How do I talk to her mom?
Tell Whit “Hi” and I’m watching her on The Real L Word. My husband won’t. He says y’all are like his kids and loves you but does not want to see you nekkid! Love – Sharon
Dear Sharon,
I’m so glad that you wrote in! This is an amazing question that I think many people can relate to. I’m pretty sure that when I was young I came out to my mom’s best friend, too. I know for sure that I came out to other friend’s parents before I actually came out to my own. I think that in a way, you are testing the waters, finding out what other adults think and feel in order to see how your own parents might react. Being able to be yourself and be “out” in a home with your partner, your friends and their parents in a normal life atmosphere is so healthy and I’m glad that at the least, your daughter’s friend Rachel and her girlfriend Amanda have that kind of environment with your family.
As for your best friend, it sounds like she wants to talk about this with you. I get that you don’t want to tell her that her daughter came out to you first because you don’t want her to think you kept a secret from her, so for the first part of the discussion, just listen. Coming to terms with your child’s sexuality is not always easy. I know with my own mother, at first she was so upset at the “choice” I made. When I gently explained that I had always felt that way, even when I tried having relationships with guys, her emotions when right to “Well how will you get through life, I’m worried for you, people are going to treat you unfairly.” Then it went to “What are people going to think?”
That’s when it hit me: I think its almost impossible for many parents of gay children to not make it about them as well. They automatically feel embarrassed. Which is ironically exactly what Rachel’s mother said! Many parents often think, “How will my child’s sexuality make ME look; to my friends, to other parents, to the world?” It’s stressful for them. This is where you can be a big help to both your best friend and her daughter Rachel. Let her know, nicely, that this is not about her it’s about her daughter. Ask her to think about all of the things that she loves about her daughter. Ask her to think about how special her relationship with her daughter is. Then ask her, “Does the fact that Rachel is attracted to another woman change any of that?” Remind her that what’s important in life is happiness, and family. Tell her that, on one hand, Rachel will most likely surround herself with people that love and accept her so she won’t be constantly faced with hateful people who will treat her poorly, but on the other hand yes, there will be some at times that don’t accept her, and people who are hateful. Encourage her to tell her daughter that if that happens she can always count on her family to stand behind her.
Bullying is a huge issue right now, not just for the LGBTQ community, sadly its everywhere. It’s important for young people to have a place where they can feel completely safe and surrounded by unconditional love. That place should always be their home. You don’t have to tell your best friend that you knew first, but since she is going to tell you herself, let her know that you don’t think any differently about her daughter or about her as a parent, friend or as a person. Tell her that Rachel’s sexuality doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable, and that her daughter is always welcome at your home. Tell her that if she ever needs anyone to talk that you will always be there to listen, and then tell her that she should say those exact same words to her daughter. If you want to give your best friend a place to go for support, you might want to suggest checking out a website called PFLAG. It’s a support group for parents, families and friends of LGBTQ. I wish you the best with this and hope you let me know how it turns out. Much love – Alyssa
Lesbian Bed Death
Dear Alyssa, I’ve been with my partner for three years. She makes me incredibly happy, she respects me, makes me laugh. For the most part, we have a great relationship. One thing – one huge thing to me – that is missing is passion.
The honeymoon stage, of course was incredible. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. We became engaged and domestic partners very early. Soon after our commitment, the spark started to die. She explained that things that have happened in her past have lowered her sex drive. Which I understand and am sympathetic to, but why was it so intense in the beginning? She shows me she loves me in all sorts of ways, but I really need that physical connection more than every few months.
How do I get her to come alive again? We’ve discussed it many times, but despite how many nights I cry myself to sleep, nothing changes. Thank you! – Mel
Mel, “Lesbian bed death!” I hear that phrase in an over the top, dramatic late ’50s horror film narrator voice! Let me start off by telling – no – reassuring you, that this happens to so many couples. Its very common to start off in a relationship where you are magnetized to your partner then, in the tradition of one trillion lesbian couples before you, move in together and become domestic partners in .5 seconds. Now, I’m not saying that this was your first mistake, but it might have been your first mistake.
I once dated someone who fell into this category. She actually got a tattoo on her body that reads “Everything all the time” which to me, wasn’t just cool song lyrics, but also a kind of symbol for why many of her relationships have been kind of, eh, short lived. [If you’re reading this, I mean it in the sweetest way possible.] What I mean by this, is that far too often, we as lesbians enter into a relationship and after a flash in the pan whirlwind of dates, decide to be in a committed relationship; where we move in together and all cards are on the table. The mystery is gone, the chase is over and the monotony of day-to-day life sucks us into a repetitious cycle of snooooooze fest. You can’t be in your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse’s face all day every day and expect that the same level of passion you had at the beginning will still be there, and if it is, you truly are a Unicorn couple and I applaud you.
The truth is, 99.9% of us need to keep the flame burning and the best way to do this is to start off slowly, don’t rush into things and blow all your ace cards in the first month. If you find that you have already done this (like it sounds like you have) then you need to reinvent your passion. I have been in a relationship, with the same woman for over eight years. In lesbian years we would have just celebrated our 25th anniversary.
Now, in no way am I saying that we have always been the model couple, but what I can tell you, is that after eight years together we’ve finally realized how to make it work for us. I can’t tell you exactly what to do step by step with your partner, but I can tell you what we do and maybe it will give you some ideas. First, try to eliminate some of the things from your relationship that you would have never done in the beginning. For example, try not coming into the bathroom to “do some paper work” while your partner is brushing their teeth. Spruce yourself up. Try to get yourself looking good to show them that you still want to impress them. I don’t mean that you have to do it all the time, but make an effort.
Which leads me to one of the best things that we ever did and something I highly recommend: Date night! Pick a couple nights a month where you take your partner on a date, make it special, try to remember things that you did in the beginning and how you set it up to make that person feel special and do it again! If you were the one being courted in the beginning, then take the initiative, court them this time. It should be worlds easier now because you have gotten to know one another on a deeper level.
Also, a lot of times its not the big things that matter most, it’s a lot of little things that add up. Do things that show them that you pay attention or that you care. Fold the laundry and put it away before they get home, write each other cute little notes, or try to take walks together.
The most important piece of advice I can give is this: Remember what made you the most attracted to each other in the very beginning and recreate those moments. For me it’s seeing my fiancé playing music, or being creative. When she is in those moments I am right back where we were in the beginning. I know what things attracted her to me in the beginning too, so if I want to reel her back in, I turn it on.
A relationship is like a full time job, or a plant, or a baby, or a cute chihuahua – you have to care for it, give it attention and work at it if you want it to last and thrive. At the end of the day though, it’s an ebb and flow and it has to be equal. A bridge won’t stand if one side gives out. If you are the only one trying, then as hard as it is maybe its time to have a real conversation with your partner about where the relationship is going. The worst feeling ever is to all of a sudden realize that your once passionate relationship has turned into a sexless forever sleep over party with your best friend.
So before it turns into that, make moves. And if that doesn’t work, there are more fish in the sea my friend. Love always – Alyssa
Mistaken Identity
Hey it’s really cool you are willing to answer questions for people. I have an odd issue: I’m straight, been married five years, love my husband, been with him for 11 years. My husband works at night a lot so [he] tells me to go out with friends. I have a wide base of friends and I’m cool going to whatever bar the group I’m with that nights picks. “It” being a gay or a straight bar.
My problem is, I like cargo shorts, basketball shorts and Jordans. I get a lot of the “Oh, well you’re gay, you don’t know it yet” from a few of my gay friends. I get the “How do you know unless you try it?” and I say the same thing back to them and it starts a fight. I accept them for who they are why can’t they accept me? I don’t want to change the way I dress or stop being me but it’s getting old. – My sexually is not in my shorts, Lauren
Lauren, I loved this email, it’s so honest and simple. You are right, just because you dress in cargo shorts or sports gear does not mean you are a lesbian. On one hand, if you told me that you were constantly getting hit on by girls in a gay bar I’d tell you not to be surprised, but you’re getting razzed by friends who know who you are and that’s not cool.
I have a lot of gay friends who think that “everyone is a little bit gay” and I’m gonna say it. That’s horse shit. Not everyone is a little bit gay, and clothing does not define you. In fact that is absurd. Do they think my best friend Whitney is black because she rocks the dread locks? Do they think all men who pluck their eyebrows or wear the color pink are gay? Probably not. People should be able to wear what ever they feel the most comfortable in without being hassled about what it means to wear it.
I’m not sure why you and your gay friends are actually fighting about this, unless maybe its because one of them is wishing you were gay and since you’re not its striking a nerve. You know, the old bully on the playground kicking the girls he has crushes on. I guess try pulling them aside and having a conversation about it. “Use your words!” Tell them that you enjoy hanging out with them, but that you want to feel comfortable being yourself and wearing what you want without it always being an issue. Tell them you accept them for who they are, and ask them why you’re not getting the same respect and if they can’t be a grown up about it, byeeee! Good luck! – Alyssa
Little White Lies
Hey Alyssa! I think you were definitely born for an advice column, I read the first column you did and it was great. Legit, real world advice people can use, I think you’re awesome for doing this!
Right, so my situation isn’t life altering but it would be great if you could give me your spin on it! I’ve been with my girlfriend for three and a half years and we’re really good together and everything is peachy. I only just turned 20, but I’ve been comfortably out for five years. My girlfriend is not so much. She is really afraid of people judging her or treating her different if they know she’s gay. Her family knows about us as well as very close friends she has and everybody is totally cool with it, but in public we’re just friends and to any new person she meets, she’s straight and I’m her gay friend.
I’ve been trying hard to be patient with her, because she’s not totally comfortable with it and I understand that everyone moves at their own pace, even though it’s ridiculously frustrating for me. I’ve spoken to her about it a lot, and she knows how I feel about the whole situation but she still tells people at her work that she has a boyfriend, gives him a name and fabricates his entire persona so that they’re thrown off the trail. We’ve been living together for almost two years now and the fact that she’s going to great lengths to hide our relationship is hard to handle.
So this weekend she’s been invited to a work friend’s birthday, it’s a couple’s night out. She’s decided to invite one of her best friends along and say that she and her “boyfriend” broke up last week. I just wanted to know what you would do in this situation, how big of a deal would you make of this? I’m starting to feel less and less important in her life as this continues and was wondering if you had any experience with couples where one of them isn’t completely out? I don’t know how much I should push her to be honest with everyone/if I should push her at all. Anyway, if you can find the time to reply to this that would be awesome! – Jenna
Hi Jenna, Thanks for the compliments, I’m certainly trying and I hope my advice is helpful. Your email is very interesting, and there are a few points that I’d like to touch on before I give you my advice. Coming out is a very personal thing, and there is no proper timeline for doing so. People need to come out at their own pace and pushing someone to come out before they are indeed “ready'”could not only be dangerous for your relationship but also their mental health.
The other thing I would like to point out is that I think your girlfriend has already taken a really big step. In my opinion she has taken the scariest step, coming out to her family. You mentioned that she is out to her family and her close friends and to me that’s huge. The work place is a very different animal, one never knows how their colleagues are going to take something like this and in the event that they take it badly, the fear of loosing one’s job, or being ostracized and alienated on a daily basis at work, place they need to go, might just be too much to handle.
My advice to you would be to encourage her to stop telling those “little white lies” at work. She doesn’t need to come out to her colleagues, but at the same time she doesn’t have to make up a fictional boyfriend or life. She can just leave that part out, or say, I have someone special at home and leave it at that. You are young and there is no need to rush anything especially something like this.
When your girlfriend is ready she will come out to the rest of the world, but for now, be happy that her close friends and family know who she is and what you mean to her. I can’t stress this enough, coming out is the most personal thing and you cannot rush her or anyone else. I hope this helps. – Alyssa
If you have a question you would like me to answer email me at [email protected]! Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @AlyssaMorganLA xo-Alyssa
