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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.10): Look what the Big Gay Stork brought

For a split-second I get excited that Maura and Jane might be recreating the Ghost scene. But no, it’s not the start of some pottery-based naked shenanigans. Instead it’s the start of some plaster-based gross shenanigans as an unseen someone sculpts the female form a little too literally. The crime is uncovered when some poor kid on a school fieldtrip notices a statue is having a case of armpit stigmata. Good luck with your therapy, kid.

Back in the homicide squad, Jane and Maura are bickering because that’s what they do — those adorable bickersons. Maura is giving Jane helpful suggestions on how to create a more clean congratulations sign for Frankie, who they think is about to be promoted to detective. Maura asks Jane is she’s sure Frankie has the job in the sack. Jane corrects her that it’s “in the bag,” but automatically knows what Maura’s thinking about. Did a certain medical examiner get lucky with a certain homicide detective this morning? That smile says yes. Frost is just as excited about Frankie’s impending arrival. Good thing the Boston Police Department doesn’t have a rule against dating co-workers. He puts his prized doll action figure on Frankie’s desk as a welcome gift. Then Frankie walks out of Lieutenant Cavanaugh’s office and everyone gets ready to throw confetti. But wait, not so fast. We won’t be talking about Det. Rizzoli Junior anytime soon. Because someone else was promoted. Someone familiar. Someone like Riley, Jane’s totally lesbian suspected ecstasy dealer next-door neighbor.

Yep, Riley — now Det. Riley Cooper — was an undercover cop. First she flirts with Maura, then she takes Jane’s non-stick cookware and now she steals Frankie’s job. If this lady isn’t gunning for a Rizzoli fist sandwich I don’t know who is. But instead, Jane graciously welcomes her to the team. Frost and Frankie are a little less gracious. It’s so awkward when your shared beard shows up again. It’s also a little awkward when you come down with Lesbian Twin Syndrome on your first day of a new job. Riley starts unpacking her desk — making sure to put a gratuitous product placement in one of her new drawers — and then confesses to Jane that she moved in next to her on purpose. She says it was to feel “safer,” but we all know the real reason. It’s because actress Daniella Alonso played a bisexual character on One Tree Hill and once you go gay, you don’t go back. Don’t worry, Riley, I’d move as close to Det. Jane Rizzoli as I could too.

Korsak has everyone give Riley their open cold cases as newbie hazing. Jane asks her why she’d date both her brother and partner while undercover. I have to say, I don’t know about the Boston PD’s promotion criteria. Hire someone who jeopardizes a year-long drug bust by dating not one, but two cops while undercover? She tells Jane she liked both of them. Jane snorts and says, “Please, you know you just wanted to get closer to me. But I’m taken — sucker.” Whatever, that’s what I heard.

At the bleeding statue crime scene, Jane and Maura are processing Frankie’s disappointment. Oh, lesbians. Maura is worried Frankie is setting himself up for a life of misery. And she is worried that Mama Rizzoli is knitting a baby blanket made out of a 50-50 cotton and acrylic blend. Jane immediately puts a fake BOLO out for Mama R, because there’s nothing more dangerous than a wannabe grandma armed with knitting needles and a 50-50 blend. As they approach the statue, Maura exclaims a loud, “Oh!” Jane gives her a concerned look up and down and asks if she pulled something. See, she’s thinking about their marathon morning sex session too. But no, it’s just the Bloodhound Maura can just smell the decomp through the bronze exterior. Jane says the statue looks like the Venus de Milo, which causes Maura to whip around in surprise. Really, Maura? Can’t everyone identify the Venus de Milo on sight? Jane tells her shocked girlfriend that she’s been to the Louvre. Sheesh, Maura, how could you forget your romantic Paris getaway with Jane?

The sculpture falls open and sure enough there’s a dead lady inside. Maura declares it very cool and now it’s Jane’s turned to be shocked by her girlfriend. No, honey, it’s Dr. Maura Isles — she meant that quite literally. The body is cold and displaying signs of delayed decomposition. And then she goes into a riff about the difference between 32 and 33 degrees and Jane’s eyes do this. Back at the Division One Café, Frankie is getting coffee and sympathy from Mama R who dutifully calls Riley a “bitch.” Maura wants Frankie to work on overcoming his feelings of disappointment. Jane wants him to “strap ’em on” and take it like a cop. Frankie and Mama R look at Jane incredulously and both say, “Hey, what you do with Maura in private is your business.”

Much to lesbians’ disappointment everywhere before Jane can go into more explicit detail in walks Dennis. You know, Zombie Boner Dude. He never called Maura back and then disappeared for three months. Which not only makes him a zombie boner, but also a complete bonehead because who wouldn’t want to go out again with Dr. Maura Isles? He walks up showing off his new self-help book, “Release You Inner Winner & WIN.” Wow. That’s some real “War & Peace”-level literature right there. He invites Maura to his book signing, but she declines under Jane’s watchful eye. But then as they leave, Jane complains about how Maura clearly likes “that idiot.” Disapproving of your girlfriend’s beard boyfriend? You’re doing it right. Jane continues to grouse about Zombie Boner and his fastidious grooming habits. She tells Maura to, “let that jerk go.” After they figure out they’ve got a serial killer who is murdering prostitutes and encasing them in plaster, Jane sends the new girl to go canvas the area to find out who their victim is. Frost thinks Riley should be stuck at her desk instead, but Jane’s all about helping “family.” After she leaves, Lt. Cavanaugh tells Jane that Riley has almost as much potential as her. But he also tells Jane he’ll never see another one with as much potential as Jane Rizzoli.

Jane runs to immediately process this with Maura, who is busy word processing on her laptop. (Um, is that a plaid laptop cover? Gay.) Jane snaps the cover because she “hates to be ignored,” especially by her girlfriend. She then makes fun of Maura’s obsession with Zombie Boner not calling her for three months in her Sassy Teenage Jane voice. Maura says her internal monologues have never sounded like that — her inner monologue sounds more like Stephen Hawking. Maura drags Jane to the Zombie Boner’s book signing against her will — but that goes without saying. Jane protests, because of course, and then says she isn’t about to spend her precious time on Dennis “I Love Myself” Rockman. She goes off into another internal monologue, this time as him as a Flinstones character. The amount Jane hates Dennis is the amount I love Jane. So, you know, a lot.

As if that weren’t enough of a tip-off of Jane’s lack of affection for the Zombie Boner, she says flat-out at the books signing, “I don’t like him… I don’t like his hair. Or his teeth.” Or the fact that he likes you. Or the fact that you went out with him. Or the fact that we’re not an out couple at work. Or the fact you won’t let me use the handcuffs in bed. This earns a TGTGT pinch from Maura, because you always hurt the ones you love. The Zombie Boner comes up to them after his reading and tries to hug Jane. Careful there, slick, you could lose a hand that way. He asks Maura to coffee, but Jane declines for her saying they need to get back to the case and pulls her away. Well done, Captain Zombie Boner Blocker. But she had good reason to leave, another dead woman statue has been found. This one is on a carousel (not merry-go-round, people). Jane sees it and gets a chill. It reminds her of Hoyt. Oh yeah, remember him? Wasn’t it badass how Jane killed him while protecting Maura in the last Rizzoli & Isles summer finale?

The killer has struck again, so Jane goes out to canvas. Maura is all, “It’s 9 o’clock, time to go home, get in our jammies and snuggle.” But jammies snuggle time will have to wait for justice to prevail. As she leaves, Maura asks if Jane has noticed how she hasn’t mentioned the Zombie Boner. Jane gives her a wink and says, “Yes, you did.” Maura is trying to set some world record on how jealous/annoyed she can make her girlfriend with this beard business. Frost and Jane are canvassing without much luck. Luckily Vanilla has called her boo Rondo, who comes running with helpful information about the new victim, whose street name was Rainbow. Then he calls over a friend, Kitty, who appears to be a trans working gal in some kicky knee-high boots. She tells them one of Rainbow’s regulars was named Bear. Rainbow? Bear? Has the entire writer’s room taken a field trip to the Folsom Street Fair?

At the Isles Estate later that night, Mama R is busy knitting a baby blanket for her future grandchild or pseudo-stepchild. There’s a ring at the door and Maura answers to find the Zombie Boner. He arrives with another orchid, seeking forgiveness, talking about how he resurrected his penis and thanking her for giving him a second chance at life. You know, normal second date stuff. He spouts some mumbo jumbo about true love and all of a sudden Swoony Teenage Maura shows up. Come on, she’s a doctor not Bella Swan. The next morning a smiley Maura arrives at work to make Jane jealous. But, she promises, she didn’t sleep with the Zombie Boner. In fact she hasn’t at all. The first time, she says, was because she hadn’t made her bed. Really? That’s like the old “I have to wash my hair” excuse. Jane teases it must have been “visible dust bunnies” that stopped her this time. No, it was The Gay. She didn’t sleep with Dennis because of homosexuality.

Jane tells her to “keep playing hard to get” — except with her. And then says her suspect “Bear” is there. Maura says she always wanted a good nickname. What, Dr. Smartypants isn’t good enough for you? Jane asks what’s wrong with “Poindexter?” Maura teases her back with “Rolly Poly Rizzoli” and they have a quick session of eye sex before the elevator arrives. Just think what they’ll do once they get in the elevator. Jane implores Maura to come sit in on her interview, because a lesbian sometimes doesn’t know how to handle a big old Bear alone. Jane says she’s the one with the degree in forensic psychiatry. Maura insists she only did one clinical rotation in behavioral neuroscience. But Jane just drags her into the elevator instead because the quickie eye sex clearly wasn’t enough.

We won’t waste any more time on Red Herring Bear, because another bronzed body pops up at the zoo. Maura gets busy sniffing out clues, again literally. Jane is worried about the TV crews catching her and calling her kooky. Aw, looking out for her lady. The Hoyt Red Herring gets continued as well, but we won’t waste more time on it either. We’ll skip to how Jane asks Maura to narrow down the window when the victims were killed and instead she widens it. This prompts her to ask, “Did you make it larger because I said I hated Dennis’ hair?” Maura says, “No.” Jane gives her The Stare. Maura says, “Possibly.” Then Jane points out the hives beginning to form on her girlfriend’s neck. She knows that skin like, well, like it’s skin she sees naked and caresses tenderly on a regular basis.

But thoughts of lingering touches will have to wait because Jane gets a call about a commotion in the café. It’s Lydia who thinks she’s going into labor and refuses to go to a hospital. She says it’s because she wants the baby to be born with its family. But mostly it’s because she’s crazy. Tommy arrives, sees Lydia and vows to start using condoms. We’re just going to call him VD Rizzoli from now on. Maura is alone in the autopsy room and gets scared when a Zombie Boner enters through the back door. Ahem. He says it’s his birthday and he wanted to relive the highs and lows of his last year. Then he asks Maura to dinner, who accepts. Backdoor then dinner? Well it better be a really nice dinner. Instead he takes her to his place, where she sees his broken lift and exposed shaft. Look, I’m not trying to be dirty. This stuff writes itself.

Jane gets called away again because of Lydia, who is being crazy per usual and giving birth in the precinct lobby now. Jane tries to conduct business as Lydia wails in the background. Riley walks up to tell her tox results are in, but she couldn’t get the results because they don’t know her and are fiercely loyal to Jane and Maura’s relationship. So Jane takes Riley to meet Senior Criminalist Chang. Ooog, Susie and Riley sitting in a tree. We have boarded a new ship, folks. Grab a life vest and follow me. The tox results show that the victim had a sedative in her system, the same sedative the Zombie Boner used to flatline himself. And then Jane’s lesbian Spidey senses go into overdrive. She grabs the hand sculpture he gave Maura and smashes it, only to find a real hand inside. Wait, so Maura can immediately smell decomposition in an enormous statue, but not in the small sculpture on her desk for months? Jane has no time for such quandaries as her panicked Lassie instincts kick in because, people, MAURA IS IN TROUBLE.

The team busts into the Zombie Boner’s apartment, guns and Ponytail of Righteous Justice blazing. He grabs Maura by knifepoint and drags her around talking about his superior intellect and how he was going to make her his masterpiece. He says he left his victims in all the places he wanted to go with his “mommy.” Ew, really? I hate it when grown men say “mommy.” He picked Maura because her “healing hands” brought him back, etc. etc. Can we just kill this dude and get to the jammie snuggle time? Luckily, he does it himself when he pushes Maura away into Jane’ arms and falls backwards down the open elevator shaft. So, um, were we supposed to feel sorry for him or something what because his mommy didn’t love him enough? Because, if so, mission not accomplished. Not only did he go out with Maura, which is pretty much a federal offense, he was — you know — a crazy misogynistic serial killer. Maura is distraught that she didn’t know, but Jane comforts her because she’s a good girlfriend and they hug and hold hands and hug some more.

Finally, it’s jammies snuggle time. Maura’s on her couch trying to “process the worst day of my life.” Yes, of course, more processing. Jane brings her a yummy sandwich and yummier upper thigh massages. Mama R wants to know why they can’t do something else, involving less serial killers, for a living. She has to keep her girls safe. Jane says she wanted to be a ballerina — and then a goalie in the NHL. Everyone laughs because lesbian much? And then the doorbell rings. Mama R thinks it’s her yarn. Nope, it’s a present from the Big Gay Stork instead. Lydia has left her baby on their doorstep. Looks like Gayby Rizzoli has two mommies. Right, so it’ll be a long wait until November when I can only assume the show will resume with Jane and Maura taking “Mommies & Me” classes and balancing deadly killers with deadlier diapers. Now, onto your #gayzzoli tweets of the week filled with congratulations for Maura and Jane’s bouncing bundle of gay.

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