“True Blood” Recap (5.10): “Gone, Gone, Gone”


Ok, I know that this is a show about blood – hence the title – but did anyone else feel like there was significantly more blood this week than usual? And it’s not just like, simple blood. It’s thick, gooey, ligament-y blood nasty. Sorry. I couldn’t not describe it. I feel like I should take several showers on behalf of what I just saw.

Anyway! It’s the third night of the Tru-Blood factory crisis, and all five plants have been destroyed, leading to a 50% increase in vampire attacks across America. Sookie watches the report on TV, and is about to enjoy her Chinese takeout when there’s a knock on the door. Obviously, this is terrifying. She grabs her gun but when she sees that it’s only Mike Spencer, she invites him in. Unfortunately, he’s a vampire now, so he attacks her. Shouldn’t her fairy senses be telling her that he’s a vampire? Or is she losing that sense as her powers slowly run out? Luckily, she is able to stake him with her chopsticks as he gnaws on her leg. Sometimes killing a vampire looks really easy. Like, I could do that. No big deal.

Andy comes over to help Sookie clean up the blood nasty, and tells her that Mike had autopsy photos in his porn folder on his computer. That’s not creepy at all.

Jason comes over to process some various feelings with Sookie. She’s wearing a long sleeved black floral dress and I own something really similar to it but I like hers better. Jason actually has a moment of smarts and realizes that Sookie thought Gran was telling her to look in a box under the bed but was really just saying, look under the bed. The floorboards open and beneath them is a box with an ancient scroll! I love shit like this.

They take the scroll to a specialist who tells them that it’s not a human language – I could have told them that! Why didn’t anyone ask me? He does tell them that the scroll is at least 200 years old, which is helpful. So they take it to the fairies, because obviously it’s written in fairy tongue. Unfortunately, it’s a contract between a fairy and a vampire. Specifically, it says that John Williams Stackhouse will grant Mr. M Warlow his first fae-bearing female heir. And Sookie is the first female fairy heir since the 1700s. But ok here’s what I want to know: Sookie has lived in the same town for her entire life. It’s not like it would have been hard for Warlow to find her, and obviously he knew that she existed when he found her dirty Band-Aid. So why is she still alive?

Meanwhile, things at the Authority are bad news bears, as Molly gets off’d because she tried to help Eric escape and also because she refuses to accept Lilith. I’ll miss her side part and her sassy comments. Steve and Russell seem to be pulling away from the group, as Salome wants to stay in and strategize while Russell wants to follow his vamp drive into the veins of helpless humans. There’s nothing Russell hates more than someone trying to tell him what to do, so obvs when he and Steve want to bounce to go suck blood/each other, they do it. This unfortunately takes the form of massacring a frat party.

Bill and Nora make it their mission to convert Eric, which they do by forcing him to have a drop of Lilith’s blood so that he can see her boobs again. Nora decides to trip with him because she also misses Lilith’s boobs. But as they start to trip balls, out walks none other than Godric. He says that he’s with them always, but Nora says that he left her centuries ago. I wonder what that means! Godric says that Lilith is a godless god, and that he has evolved – which they have failed to do. And then Lilith appears in a cloud of blood smoke. Eric begs Godric to fight her, but he knowingly says, “It’s not I who must fight her,” and then Lilith claws his throat out and rips his head off and gives Eric and Nora a naked bloody stare down until they bow and praise her. So now Eric is on team Lilith. But is he really? I don’t think he really is. What do you think?

I’ve been really worried about what’s going to happen to Jessica in this whole vampire mess, and tonight that fear was justified when Bill sends for her. Luckily, the lead guard in charge of bringing Jessica to the Authority is a super hot dyke with short bleached blonde hair (not unlike Miley Cyrus‘ hot new ‘do) and cheekbones to die for.

So Bill tries to indoctrinate Jessica into the Lilith-loving cult, but as someone who was raised by religious Christians, Jessica knows bible-crazy babble when she hears it. I hope she remains suspicious. Wait. Oh my god, what if Jessica will be the one to fight Lilith? Maybe that will involve some light making out. Can girls just make out on this show already?

Russell reaches his last straw of patience with the dull plotting of the Authority, and decides that his new interest is in harvesting some fairies in order to daywalk. No one else is really into this idea, since fairy blood only lasts for a few minutes, but Russell feels strongly that if they study the blood and breed fairies they can make it work. Also Russell won’t exactly take no for an answer, as he is three thousand years old and has the ability to talk in multiple accents when angry. So off he goes to drink some fairy blood. Sookie really can’t catch a break.

Hoyt has decided to move to Alaska, despite the fact that his mom bought him a California king bed. Honestly? If someone bought me a California king bed, I’d probably live with them forever. But I’m a simple girl, and Hoyt has a dark past that he’s aching to leave behind. Before he goes, Hoyt asks Jessica to glamour him into forgetting both her and Jason. It’s kind of a sweet deal. And really, what else could the writers do with his character at this point? It’s kind of like how there was nothing left to do but turn Tara into a vampire.

Speaking of Tara, she and Pam are running into trouble with Elijah, the new sheriff of Area 5, despite Pam’s gorgeous white studded and cropped leather jacket (this jacket is what’s missing from my life). Basically he’s like “you aren’t making enough money, why don’t you get a peep show?” But not just any peep show – instead of peeps, you get a vampire suckle. Tara and Pam get twenty bucks each for the evening, and are told that they must procreate – Area 5 needs thirty new vamps as per the Authority’s requests. If they don’t do it, Elijah will take all of Pam’s assets, which includes Tara.

Pam has no intentions of obeying orders, though, and decides that she and Tara will “live in the wind.” Hey can you guys make out with each other while living in the wind? Thanks.

But Tara has no intention of letting Elijah walk all over them, and so she stages a way to stake him. “No one fucks with us in our house,” she says. It’s all very sexy. Pam looks both impressed and pissed off. And maybe a little turned on.

Also, Sam and Luna are trying desperately to save Emma from Steve. If only all parents of kidnapped children had the ability to turn into mice to stalk the kidnappers! They travel into the Authority via Steve’s man bag and locate Emma pretty quickly. But how will they get out? I’m legitimately concerned about this.

It looks like next week, Bill becomes Lilith’s chosen one, so I’m already preparing to roll my eyes forever. Also, Sookie’s tired of running and something bad happens to Jason. Till next time!

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