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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.09): And baby makes three

It’s a beautiful day in gayborhood. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. The butch Boston homicide detective is wearing heels and bought a purse. The things we do for love. Jane is, of course, complaining that she can’t believe Maura got her to wear heels and buy a purse. It’s called girlfriend appeasement and it just makes your life so much easier.

Maura tries to make her girlfriend feel better by calling the purse a “convertible satchel.” A rose is a rose is a purse, honey. You’re not fooling anybody. Jane walks into Maura’s place only to stop dead in her tracks because it looks like a Babies R Us threw up in the living room. Shocked and a little panicked, Jane asks Maura, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

Maura assures her that, no, the finger condoms did not break. It’s all Mama Rizzoli’s doing. She is throwing a baby shower for Lydia. Yes, the Lydia who knew both her wayward ex-husband and her wayward ex-con son in a biblical way. Can I have “Things That Are a Bad Idea” for $500 please, Alex.

Mama R asks Maura if it’s OK to throw the baby shower at her place. Jane is all, “Are you crazy? No. No. I wore heels for you. No.” But Maura relents. Then Jane goes after her mom, saying Lydia’s mom should be the one doing all this. Mama R calls Lydia’s mom “unreliable” in a hushed whisper. Which sets off Jane’s freeloader Spidey senses. Maura asks where she is registered and Jane tells her, “Mouchers R Us.” Let me tell you, getting shoppers to leave that store is a bitch.

Sure enough, the Moucher in Chief herself pops into the house like she lives there. Jane introduces herself, and Maura. The last time they met Lydia was a little busy being passed out. But she says she remembers the lesbian couple quite clearly. Maura inquires about her gestational diabetes, which is under control except when her sugars spike or sink. So then basically the opposite of under control. Jane would love to hear more but it’s murder on the phone for Rizzoli & Dr. Isles.

Just as Jane is about to go snarkocalypse on Lydia’s big new job at the Penny Saver, Maura manhandles her girlfriend out of the door. That’s what I call assertive girlfriend Totally Gay, Totally Gratuitous Touching. On their way to the crime scene, Maura and Jane bicker some more about the baby shower while simultaneously putting on their latex gloves. And this is why there’s no Rizzoli/Isles baby shower planned anytime soon.

But their argument/lesson in safe sex is interrupted when Jane sees that Frankie is upset. He knew the victim, they both did from childhood. He had since gone on to fame and fortune as the leader of a boy band, the Channel Street Boys. Hey, remember when real-life boy bander Donnie Wahlberg was the very first Rizzoli & Isles Beard of the Week? Does this mean the show is metaphorically murdering those storylines? A gal can dream.

Frankie and Jane are both shaken up by the boy bander’s death. So for some reason she shows his brothers in the band a video of them performing before she talks to them about his murder. I don’t understand this new interrogating technique, but then I also don’t understand boy bands.

His brothers suspect he was using drugs again. They also throw some shade on their father and former manager, who did some time for stealing their money. Jane goes to check on Maura in autopsy. She in turn is checking out Channel Street Boys’ music videos. Maura grooving to pretty boy pop while removing bullets? Still adorable. Jane clearly thinks so, too.

Maura says he had a very pretty, symmetrical face. But, interestingly, did not have any drugs in his system and hadn’t for at least six months. Jane says he was “sweet and soulful.” Someone else who is sweet and soulful — while occasionally snarky — goes to check to see how her mother is handling the news. Mama R tells her his brothers told her Jane was the girl in their hit “Pure Boston Beauty.” He apparently had a childhood crush on one Jane Clementine Rizzoli. Well, who wouldn’t?

Mama R follows up this flattery kiss with a favor punch. She asks her to come to Lydia’s baby shower. She says Lydia needs the influence of strong women. Strong is clearly code for “lesbian” here. She then tells Jane to text Lydia for her that she’s coming. You can be the sexiest McBadass in the Boston Homicide Unit, but your mom will never stop telling you what to do.

But Jane isn’t one to just blindly follow. Instead she confessed to Maura that she texted Lydia as Mama R and said she’d meet her at the Dirty Robber in two hours so they can talk to her alone. Maura can have no part in this subterfuge and squeals (like, literally squeals) at Jane. To appease her (again), Jane says Maura can be polite cop and she will be “I’ll beat your face in if you tell my mother that you slept with her husband and her son cop.” Hm. I don’t think that’s a legally sanctioned interrogation technique. But I do appreciate the specificity. Why be vague? On a similar note, their role-playing fantasies must be incredibly detailed.

Back on the case we’re not really all that interested in, Frost is trying to decrypt the military level security on the victim’s phone. Korsak give him a hard time with the geek stuff, calling him Inspector Gadget. And then give him an even harder time when he loses the victim’s last text.

Jane goes to Maura for solace, who offers her quinoa, kale and yams instead. Jane says she will be sitting at Tribal Council before she eats that for lunch. Then Frankie runs in all sweaty and saves her from the nutrient-rich foods. He found the gun. Jane is proud of him, but also concerned that he is sweating all over Maura’s stuff. Nobody sweats on Maura’s stuff but Jane. Then it’s Jane’s turn to manhandle Maura out the door as she drags her off to the Dirty Robber. Maura says she’s bad at confrontation, but that’s why Jane’s the beat-you-face-in cop instead. p.s. Nice pantsuit, Maura. Is Jane rubbing off on her, in more than a sweaty way?

Lydia is late for their meeting and Jane has less than complimentary things to say about her brain cell count. She can’t see what her dad saw in her in the first place. Maura says studies show that men like to date less intelligent women. Jane is like, why when dating more intelligent women is awesome. Maura agrees and says that women like them have their own lives and jobs and don’t make men a priority because of the homosexuality.

Lydia finally arrives and Jane says something about being a slut under her breath. Maura gives her a righteous kick in the shins because slut shaming is not cool, not cool at all. You’re better than that, Det. Jane Rizzoli. They start to tell her why they wanted to talk with her and she cuts them off. No, she does not know who the father is. Not so dense a cookie after all.

Seems she knew all about the Rizzoli women all along. And she meant to meet Angela, though not necessarily run into her car. Frank had told her Angela was the best mother, and she wanted to learn from her. I take it back, she is dense. Trying to learn mothering from the woman your former lover left after decades of marriage to be with you while also being pregnant with either his child or her son’s child is probably a bad idea.

Before the parade of terrible decision making can continue, Lydia has to run to Lamaze. Maura says she can’t go to birthing classes herself and offers to drive her. Jane can’t wait for the door to hit her on the ass as she leave, but Maura has other ideas. She gives Jane The Stare and it’s all over but the whimpering for the good detective. That, my friends, is what you call whipped.

Next we have a scene which I swear must have been written in the scripts as: Two lesbians go with their surrogate to Lamaze class. It’s like The New Normal but with lesbians and without Ryan Murphy. They try to make small talk. What does she like to do? (Go to the mall.) Will she get a paternity test? (No, not interested.) Who will massage her back? (Please, Det. Rizzoli has her limits.)

But the most important question is will she tell Mama R about her two possible Rizzoli baby daddies? She wants to tell her, but Jane turns beat-you-face-in cop and tells her she cannot, will not spill the Boston baked beans to her mother that she has “slept with half her family.”

At the office, Frost has figured out a way to retrieve the victim’s last text after all. He zooms in on the concert footage. The boy bander sent the message while on stage. Yes, I know. But given how this show keeps trying to convince us that Jane and Maura aren’t totally gay for each other, stretching the bounds of reality is all in a day’s work.

His last text sounds like a booty call. Korsak bemoans the lack of romance in our digital world. Forst offers to show him how the new-fangled technologies work so he can have more luck texting for booty. Oh, you two with the flirting. Think of Frankie.

Senior Criminalist Chang has found some dried blood on the gun Frankie found. This leads to a discussion of the comicality of the word weenus. Maura like it, because it also rhymes with the word penis. And then Senior Criminalist Chang gets uncomfortable because it’s always weird to watch lesbians talk about weenies.

Side Note: Can we start a campaign to get more of Senior Criminalist Chang on the show? Because a) she’s awesome and b) I love how Maura has to say her full title each time she addresses her.

Frost has found a new lead. Another pop singer has checked herself into a sleazy hotel under an assumed name near where the victim was found. She is found inside, equally dead with drugs around her. Maura is brought in to investigate. Maura says she can’t be that famous because she’s never heard of her. Frost and Jane share a giggle because Dr. Smartypants didn’t exactly get her doctorate in pop culture. Then Jane gets her to leap to a conclusion when they find pictures of the pair together on a gossip site. Maura contends her conclusion was actually a question, given its upward inflection.

This makes Frost and Korsak clear out. They’re not about to stick around for the sexy talk that usually follows geeky grammar talk. Nothing gets Maura hotter than semantics. Jane calls it “female towel snapping.” Um, wouldn’t that require them to both be wet and naked in a shower? Just saying.

Back at the Isles Estate, Mama R is putting the final touches on the baby shower. She even has Lydia’s favorite cake — bacon chocolate. But before they can take a slice of the porky chocolatey artery clogger, Lydia spills the Boston baked beans about the baby’s Rizzoli daddies. And Mama R finds out that Jane and Maura knew, and didn’t tell her. Remember when I said it was a bad idea? Yep, bad idea.

After Red Herring No. 1, the detectives find out the Channel Street Boys were broke. And then they go after Red Herring No. 2. Then Maura states the obvious and Jane makes fun of her. Maura asks if it makes her feel better to mock her and Jane says yes. She then confesses that she’s frustrated. Guess all the female towel snapping from earlier didn’t lead anywhere. Finish what you started, Maura. Your woman needs relief.

Jane meets Frankie to check on how their mom is doing. And then she tells Maura that “we suck.” You are making this too easy, writers.

But now it’s time to solve the murder. The victim and the pop star were both planning to leave together. The blood on the gun is a familial match to one of his brothers. They made a pact to kill him to up their record sales. Whew, glad that’s over with. Can Jane and Maura just snuggle together in bed now please?

Alas, in the final two minutes this week our ladies have to appease their mother/mother-in-law. She is threatening to move out. Mama R says she can’t have her children think she’s pitiful. And, it should be noted, Maura is right there too when she says it. And she even tells her, “I always wanted a mother like you.” Crisis averted, Mama R calls them all great kids. And they all hug. Now that, that is a family.

Your #gayzzoli tweets of the week? I got ’em.

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