“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 303 — “Love Lost”


Welcome to the third episode of The Real L Word, Season 3, a reality show about tattooed lesbians with funky haircuts living in big cities, although much of what you see may not actually be real.

Let’s talk about this for a second. Immediately after I turned in the recap of Episode two last week I received a phone call from my friend, who we shall call “Sandy.” Sandy never calls me, so it must have been important.

Sandy:  Hey I need to talk to you about something.

Me: What is it?

Sandy: It’s about The Real L Word.

Silly me, and I thought it was going to be an important phone call.

Sandy:  Well one of my dear friends, Britenelle, hung out with Amanda for a bit during the time The Real L Word was filming. In one scene in Episode two, which she just had the opportunity to see, the editors cut to a shot of Amanda’s closed door and then dubbed in noises of someone else having sex, so it looks like she had sex with Amanda while Lauren was in the other room. She didn’t. Britinelle actually passed out on the couch that night. That scene was made up.

Me: What? I already turned in the recap, and since I wasn’t there, I can only post what I see and hear and make conclusions based on my observations. I’m sure half the show is exaggerated for dramatic effect, and some of it is completely fabricated. I think audiences are bright enough to realize that.

So if you weren’t bright enough before, now you are. And so, with a grain of salt (or many grains lining the rim of your margarita glass) and a healthy dose of skepticism, let’s jump into the unhygienic creamed corn filled kiddie pool that is the rest of the season!

Previously on The Real L Word, Cori and Kacy, the token “normal ones” on this show, learned that they will be having a baby girl, who they named Charlie Monroe.

Amanda moved to Los Angeles, and Lauren was excited that she will have a friend with benefits under her roof. Instead, Amanda decided to remodel Lauren’s house and start flirting with Britenelle, and then we were treated to loud sex noises allegedly coming from Amanda’s room, even though you didn’t see any actual hooking up. Lauren was visibly upset, but that could have been from food poisoning that took place months later and was edited in. You never know!

Hunter Valentine‘s tour hit a snag when Somer‘s keyboard malfunctioned, and she didn’t have the money to fix it. While Laura said she considers the band to be “family,” it must be the type of family where no allowances are given out and you have to buy your own school supplies from the loose change you get panhandling on the street.

Kelsey discovered that Romi had gotten back together with Jay, which she found “repulsive,” and Romi and Sara – formerly friends – now find each other repulsive, due to Sara’s relationship with Whitney.

Finally, Whitney proposed to Sara at a spiritual healing ceremony whilst surrounded by equally tattooed friends in equally funny hats.

The episode opens with newly engaged Whitney and Sara curled up on the bed with a couple of furry hitchhikers. Fortunately, the editors had the foresight to point out who is who by zooming in with the camera and posting subtitles, as they look like a tangled mess of tattoos having an orgy. You don’t know where one ends and the other one begins. Just to be clear, the one on the left is Whitney, and the one on the right is Sara. Aren’t they cute?

Meanwhile, Hunter Valentine is on its way to SXSW, but Somer’s keyboard is still broken. Kiyomi, the most compassionate human being on the show, blurts out, “This is the most important part of the tour, so Somer has to get her keyboard f–king fixed.” As stated previously, the rest of the band has informed her she is on her own in terms of financials, so Somer takes matter into her own hands. Somer cracks open her keyboard herself and pokes around its innards with with a screwdriver while Kiyomi continues to yell at her from the other room, and a few minutes later, a miracle! Her keyboard is working!

Kiyomi and Vero are horsing around, pasting temporary tattoos on each other, oblivious to the fact that Somer just saved the day – and $400 in repair fees.

So Somer decides to make them aware of it. “You know that time I saved the band, like, $400 in repairs!” she yells.

“She was going to have to pay for it anyway,” whispers Kiyomi to Vero.

What a happy, loving family.

Back in LA, Romi takes Rose to get her hair did.

“I better not look like a bleached chola with roots,” says Rose, when her phone rings. It is Ruby, otherwise known as the third white chick with dreads to grace our screens in episode two. Ruby has exciting news.

“Frickin’ Whit and Sara got engaged,” says Ruby, laughing.

“I wish them a long and happy marriage,” says Rose, trying not to laugh.

And this is Romi’s response, which needs no commentary.


“Do I think that they’ll make it?”” ponders Romi. “I don’t know. But I don‘t think anyone needs to go through dating Whitney again, and I don‘t think anyone wants to go through dating Sara again. So, I pray that they stay together, forever, ‘til death do them part.”

Across town, things are not so rosy. In fact, things are so sad that I can’t even say anything to make this portion any less heartbreaking. Cori and Kacy are clearing out Charlie’s room and placing her clothes away. Cori had gone into preterm labor, and the doctors were unable to save the baby. Before Charlie was taken away, Cori and Kacy were able to hold her and see her take a breath. I can’t even imagine how it is to go through something so devastating, much less in the public eye. May our hearts go out to them.