Everyone, grab a bag of peanuts and find a seat in the bleachers. The Bullet and Blast Symposium is in town. Maura and Mama Rizzoli are sprucing up the Division One Café. But Jane is busy stealing doughnuts. Mama R scolds her and tells her to stop playing with the doughnuts and help. Jane whines back that she’s not playing, “this is playing.” And then she proceeds to put her finger through the doughnut hole and spin it around her finger. It’s a move that feels so familiar, so right. Finger into hole and wiggle. You can practically see Maura blush with recognition.
Jane says she doesn’t understand why Maura agreed to host the event herself. Apparently somebody left her severed head in refrigerator problem at the convention center last year. Don’t you just hate when you leave those behind?
The bread delivery guy Dominick comes in with bags full of delicious, delicious carbs and Mama R asks Jane if she remembers him. Jane is all, “Of course, dude I don’t know from a hole in the doughnut.” But then he offers her one of her “favorite” ciabatta rolls and she’s all like, “Oh, baked goods, how could I forget thee.” She tells Maura she should try one, because she’s a sharer and a carer. But Maura tells her, “White flour only uses the endosperm.” Which puts Jane right off her roll because nothing ruins a good nosh for a gay lady like the mention of anything sperm. So Jane tells her, “It’s awful to eat with you.”
Move over Dr. Scholl’s, this week BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA is here to be our gratuitous product placement. I’ve got to hand it to Toyota though, they’ve advertised with Pretty Little Liars and Rizzoli & Isles now. If Callie and Arizona buy a new Prius they’ll have the hat trick of lesbo-tising. Mama R has been given her BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA for free by the makers of some crappy canned espresso.
Dr. Pike rolls in with copious bags and promptly tells Det. Rizzoli that she looks “stunning.” Maura shoots her girlfriend a, “Oh, hell no, he did not hit on my lady!” face. Pike then condescends in the truly clueless way only he can condescend by saying he has an obligation to show his cutting-edge techniques to his less skilled colleagues. Maura is having none of it, especially after he made eyes at her woman, and snaps at him about how he can’t tell the difference between a .38 and .45 caliber bullet.
The rest of the forensic scientists show up and let me just say none are anywhere near as hot/glamorous/gay as Dr. Maura Isles. We’ve got Dr. Billy Ray (played by country star Craig Morgan), the medical examiner from Texas with the 10-gallon black hat, and Dr. Popov, the Russian guy who put vodka in his coffee thermos and calls Mama R “girl” — but not in a cute way. Jane’s phone buzzes and it’s another mystery text. She’s been receiving texts from someone calling her, “hon.” Maura is naturally concerned because no one calls Det. Jane Rizzoli “hon” but her.
Pike says something asinine, because that’s all he ever says, and the ladies are saved by murder again. They go to investigate the husband-and-wife psychologists shot in their office. One of them is Dr. Eve, the infamous kid-hating shrink who writes books like Love Without Kids, No Womb for Children and No Need to Breed. Is someone trying to send our ladies a not-so-subtle message? Maybe this means we won’t be seeing the pregnant not-lesbian, totally lesbian storyline between Jane and Maura.
The husband was less a child hater and more into delusional disorders as that was his specialty. Jane spots a piece of latex in the husband’s watchband. Maura goes Islesopedia and immediately begins to discuss the various uses of latex. Balloons, pencil erasers, spandex, dental dams. Hey, just being thorough.
In the autopsy room, the medical examiners are having some sort of penis size measurement contest disguised as a bullet hole size recognition discussion. Dr. Achey Breaky BlackHat astutely notes that Dr. Popov doesn’t know his butt from a hole in the ground. Then Pike unveils his new “particle vac,” which promptly malfunctions. That’s OK, I hear it happens to guys all the time.
Frankie is helping Mama R take groceries out of her new BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA. Except her Toyota isn’t exactly as beautiful as we might have hoped. Instead it’s a driving, talking, advertisement for Can’o Espress’o. Complete with an enormous loudspeaker Can’o of it on her roof. She then promptly does that adorable mom thing and tells everyone in a three-block radius over the loudspeaker how handsome Frankie looks in his uniform. You’ve gotta love moms.
Then Mama R’s BEAUTIFUL CAN’O gets slammed into by a not-so beautiful piece of crap’o car. A very frazzled, very sad, very pregnant lady gets out all, “It’s just a scratch.” And then proceeds to cry and talk about her parking tickets. Frankie picks one up and realizes the woman is Lydia, Papa Rizzoli’s fiancé. Well, apparently ex-fiancé. She got dumped, lost her job and kicked out of her apartment all while seven months pregnant. Now she lives in her car. I want to dislike her, but that’s a lot of life kicking you in the teeth.
Speaking of children, Jane and Korsak are interviewing the kiddie hating doctor’s least biggest fan. She has brought her terrible, nose-picking brood with her and Jane says a silent prayer in thanks that she is a Maurasexual. The woman didn’t kill the doctors because she was too busy attending the “Wives Are About Kids” meeting. Which, ugh. But she does get in a good compliment about Jane’s waistline. Even the breeders can’t resist the swag of Det. Sexy McBadass.
In the autopsy room, Jane walks in to see how Maura is doing with the doctor couple. She’s there all alone, because she had to get away from Pike. And then she tells Jane she thinks he is on the take and using his position to privateer. Jane asks if he’s attacking foreign ships during wartime, which, snort. Jane is all, that’s all very nice and good but two dead bodies, please open them up and poke inside. Maura will not be deterred. She’s convinced he’s getting kickbacks for his forensic vacuum. And she’s disgusted by the hats and pens and travel mugs and things. That, she says, are “swag.” Jane says she’ll get the “Swag Unit” on it and all gay ladies’ pants fall off.
Jane implores Maura to get back to the case, which she does. She asks Jane to, “help me undress her,” which would be the start of a really excellent three-way fantasy except for the whole necrophilia thing. Maura wonders how people can be childless and have a fulfilling marriage. And Jane says with or without kids marriage is miserable. I know it’s still horrible that same-sex marriage isn’t legal nationwide, but there’s no need to be bitter, Janey.
Jane tells Maura she’s starting a new organization called S.A.W., Stuck at Work. Maura needs to get on it so Jane can get on her at home. You know that’s what she was thinking. Then Jane gets another weird text from her mystery texter, this time saying, “Hon, don’t forget your Brazilian wax appointment.” Maura smiles, knowingly.
Jane mentioned that Frankie met Lydia today and Maura, being unable to lie, promptly drops a shell casing. Jane knows a case of the butterfingers means something and presses her on what she knows. She even picks up something sharp and pointy to threaten his girlfriend with. Threats of physical violence are minus 100 Good Girlfriend points, Jane. Maura folds and tells her what she knows, which is that Tommy also slept with Lydia. The news does not go over well.
Frost and Jane are checking out surveillance footage from around the doctors’ office when they find his last patient. They find his last patient, a lady with a big hat and sunglasses, who thanks to facial recognition software they realize is really Judge Eugene Allen. The same judge who refused to allow them to search the doctors’ client list. Frost and Korsak go to pay him a visit and find him in drag in his chambers.
Two things: 1) He killed Laura Palmer! 2) That is a hideous sweater dress. He tells them the psychologist was helping him be himself and finally be happy. Behind closed doors he is Eugenia. The detectives ask the judge again to sign the search warrant. Frost, being the stand-up guy that he is, calls him Eugenia and then “ma’am” which earns her respect. Transgender characters and a closeted lesbian couple. Now all this show needs is jazz hands to be Glee.
Maura drags Jane to the medical examiners party at the Dirty Robber. Pike is there being Pike and offering Maura a prop knife in the back. Maura tells him she hasn’t reported him to the Bullet and Blast Violation Board, yet. Then she points out more swag. Jane promptly wrist-calls the Swag Unit. It’s exactly the kind of cute, so cute, girlfriends do to each other. And Maura gives her the requisite “I’m annoyed, but could not love you more” face.
Jane’s phone buzzes one more time with a mystery text and now even the least observant TV watcher realizes these “hon” messages are an integral part of the plot. This one told her he was waiting up for her, and Jane says she should hurry home since she’s had her Brazilian. Maura tells her to tell her mom. And Jane says, “Where I wax is my business.” Maura corrects, “And my business.” But really she was talking about Lydia.
Jane walks off and Pike stumbles over to Maura drunk on Long Island iced teas. He mutters something about letting his hair down and then about how Maura is a wildcat with a delicate pink tongue. Finally he confesses he’s in love with her. And also desperate because he invested everything in Particle Vac. And then he wraps her in a big, unwanted drunken hug. The opposite of swag, that’s what he’s got.
Popov tells him to get off Maura, then Pike and him get into drunken dude fisticuffs. Jane walks in all, I leave my woman for one minute and this happens. And Dr. Achey Breaky BlackHat finally breaks up the fight and then offers his help on finding latent fingerprints off the shell casing and latex bit. Because, remember, there’s a case to solve.
Jane and Maura bring Frankie to the Isles Estate to tell him about Lydia. Just then, who should show up but Mama R with a woozy Lydia. All the Rizzoli family members who have not slept with her are aghast. Maura diagnoses her as having gestational diabetes and about to slip into a coma. Wow. So far we’ve got child hating, cross dressing and diabetic comas all in one episode. If a long-lost twin shows up we’re going to have to start calling this a crime soap instead of a crime drama.
The next day, Maura tells Jane she’s calling a family meeting to tell Mama R about Lydia. Jane offers a lame, “It’s not your family,” but we all know it is so be quiet and listen to your wife. Pike walks up back to his normal pomposity and Maura asks if he remembers last night. He doesn’t, and then tells Jane she looks stunning. Look, buddy, that dead doctor lady had a better shot at a three-way than you so back off.
Just then Dr. Achey Breaky BlackHat shows up with his contraption. Jane calls him Dr. Rube Goldberg and Maura is impressed — and turned on. As we all are. Jane saying nerdy things? Yes, please. The homemade machine works, and they pull a partial print. Then while going through the doctor’s phone records Frost finds he tried to call Jane three times.
All of that’s going to have to wait because it’s family meeting time. Jane goes to leave, but her car is blocked by the bakery truck. Dominick apologies and tells Jane to grab a bag of ciabatta from the truck. She does, and then he grabs her and jabs a needle into her back. Carbs are bad for you, see!
At the family meeting, Maura has brought a talking stick. Mama R is having none of it and presses Frankie and Maura for whatever “horrible news” they’re going to tell her. I like how, even though Jane’s not there, it’s perfectly normal for Maura to be part of such an integral family discussion.
Speaking of Jane, the detectives and family finally realize she’s missing when her car is still parked at the precinct. They all gather, concerned, but none more than Maura. The team deduces that her disappearance and the case are probably related. The doctor who treated delusional disorders probably called to warn her about a patient. And then that leads them to the patient list which leads them to bread guy who happens to have erotomanic delusional disorder, which is exactly as bad as it sounds. He also did time for stalking and maiming another woman. And now he thinks Jane is in love with him. The woman who is really in love with Jane could not be more worried.
Jane comes to and, oh God, bread guy has his hands all over her. And, oh God, she’s handcuffed to the bed. Can we fast forward through the creepy stuff and just get to the part where Jane and Maura are snuggling together please?
He tells her she missed her Brazilian wax which is every kind of wrong. And has changed her clothes to a skirt, flouncy shirt and pink high heels. Wow, does he know his imaginary wife’s taste in clothing or what? Jane, even when kidnapped by a sexual psychotic, doesn’t miss the chance to snark and says she loves “pink and ruffles and kitten heels.”
At the precinct, Frost traces Dominick through his computer and finds a live stream of Jane, tied to the bed. Maura immediately says, “That’s her apartment.” And my Twitter feed immediately erupts with lesbians screaming, “OF COURSE MAURA KNOWS JANE’S BEDROOM.”
The detectives bust in, but she’s not in her apartment. It’s just a room mocked up to look like Jane’s apartment. Jane looks around and sees terribly Photoshopped pictures of her with Dominick at their “wedding” and “honeymoon in Hawaii.” Jane tries to tell him they were never in Hawaii together, but he’s all, “Yes, fantasy lover, there was kayaking and surfing and an all-you-can eat roast pig luau and you will remember or I’ll chew your face off!”
I must say, this whole sequence is rather terrible. Jane getting molested by this pervert. Jane powerless, tied spread eagle. Maura watching it all unfold. This is not the female empowering buddy/more than buddy crime-solving dramedy I signed up for. I do not like it. Not one little bit. Neither does Maura. Make it stop, please.
Jane realizes she’s being recorded and makes a plea to Frost, hoping he has found the stream. She tells them what she hears, airplanes and a warning bell, and they zero in on her location. Maura has them zoom in on the radiator and window frame and identifies them as being from the 1890s. They narrow it to one building and run out to rescue her. The Isleopedia and her fun facts save the day.
Maura stays behind, because I don’t know why. I think it’s so she can say things like, “Don’t hurt her” to the screen as she watches her girlfriend get threatened by a dangerous psychotic. Just then, the detectives burst in. Baddie caught, Jane freed, Maura tears. Sheesh, let’s not do that again. I think from now on Jane should stop getting into any and all vans. First Hoyt and now the bread guy.
After it’s all over our ladies are together, of course, at the Isles Estate. They’re snuggled up under the same blanket on the couch. Jane has her beer and Maura has her wine. I’m not even making this up.
Maura looks over at her girlfriend, worried about the ordeal she just went through. Jane reassures her that, “the worst part was the outfit. Pink shoes — vomit.” Spoken like a true woman with a penchant for sensible shoes. Then she jokes about how her head went on a honeymoon. This promptly inspires Maura to tell her she’s thinking of freezing her eggs. Honeymoon talk will do that to a gal. Maura says she just doesn’t think marriage is for her. Come on, girls, DOMA is going to be declared unconstitutional. Don’t worry. Jane says she’s going to leave her eggs where they are, and let’s change the subject because even long-term committed couples get a little weird when marriage talk begins.
Instead Jane teases Maura about Pike and calls them a “cute couple.” Jane calls him a “luau kind of guy” and then both of them make retching sounds simultaneously. And burst out laughing. Yep, boys are totally gross, ladies. Just keep snuggling together and it’ll all be better soon.
And now for you #gayzzoli tweets. Consensus: this episode will make for some epic fanfics.
