“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.06): Sister can you spare a kidney


At the crime scene the real estate agent is a prickly ice queen who pegs Maura as the “can afford a $3 million listing”-type immediately and offers her her card. Jane sticks out her hand for one too, with a little eyebrow raise. Maura’s money is Jane’s money and Jane’s money is Maura’s money. See, yet another reason same-sex marriage should be legal – to validate our unions in the eyes of the law and commerce.

In the autopsy room, Mr. Dead Wood is being examined. And I mean that quite literally. Maura says, “Let’s talk about his penis.” And Jane, being the good gay girl that she is, says, “If we must.” Under the sheet she learns Mr. Dead Wood had several needle marks on his, um, wood. He was treating for erectile dysfunction. These are the moments I thank the universe I’m gay. Jane’s face agrees.

Back at the Isles Estate, Maura is bossing around her girlfriend and mother-in-law. Jane is earning major Good Girlfriend points for stirring the wild boar ragout and opening the “multipoopenano.” Sounds delicious, wish I was invited. The doorbell rings and Motherboard Martin and daughter are a whole minute early. A whole minute! Maura notices the drawing of her mother at her grave and freaks. She tells Jane to hide it in the bathroom. Because no dinner guest would ever dream of going to the bathroom. To quote Det. Jane Rizzoli, “Really? REALLY?”

Dinner is going well, the “multipoopenano” is flowing and everyone is having a lovely time except Hope’s 18-year-old daughter, Kaylin Cailin. She’s all sullen about leaving London and texting her friends under the table saying stuff like, “OMG. At some lezzer house. My mom suks. GAWD.”

Cailin excuses herself to the bathroom – gee, good thing they hid the picture there – and everyone at the table tries to pretend teenagers aren’t the worst. Hope asks Maura if her mother taught her how to cook. Maura confesses that Angela, her mother-in-law, made dinner. So close, very close. Cailin returns to sulk on the couch and now Hope goes to the bathroom. Seriously, Maura – worst hiding place ever.

Jane offers Maura some supportive eye sex and Maura reciprocates with a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching arm pat that says, “Tonight, we Roman orgy to forget this dinner disaster.” Jane, who by this point has racked up 1,000 Good Girlfriend points, makes one last ditch attempt to make nice with Cailin, armed with chocolate cake. But instead, Cailin leaves and says she’ll walk home. Which makes Hope leave after her. Well, good, now let the Roman orgy commence.

The next morning in the precinct café, Jane is having breakfast and Maura offers her a chilled lavender towel to help treat her “vaginitis,” among other things. These things can happen after a night of Roman orgying, people. Jane says she’s eating and she doesn’t need to be soothed. Then Maura brings up the victim’s erectile dysfunction and it puts Jane off her breakfast entirely. Hope shows up unexpectedly full of apologies about Cailin. Jane takes Maura’s lavender towel from her (wouldn’t want her birth-mom to know about all that vaginitis business right away) and tells Maura to have a fabulous day and call her later before leaving quickly to give her some birth mother-daughter time. Another 100 Good Girlfriend points for Jane. Man, she’s racking them up this week.

Hope confesses that Cailin is very ill, which is why they moved back to Boston. She contracted a bacterial infection while Motherboard Martin was doing relief work in Africa. And now she needs a new kidney. But neither parent is a match. Maura, don’t go getting any crazy ideas. We like all your parts where they are.

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