“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.05): Mama said there’d be gays like this


Indeed, Dr. Hope Martin looks astonishingly like Maura. Way to go Rizzoli & Isles casting department. Dr. Martin is an accomplished doctor and forensic pathologist. She works with women and children in war-torn countries and helps identify the bodies of genocide victims. And she’s giving Maura a case of the under accomplishments. I know, it’s inconceivable. Jane thinks the same thing and immediately begins to prop her girlfriend up. Aw, that’s 100 Good Girlfriend Points for you, Jane.

Hope has lived abroad the last 20 years and has an 18-year-old daughter. But now she’s back in Boston and Jane urges Maura to meet her. Maura doesn’t want to turn her life upside down. But Jane says it’s a far better thing for her birth mother to have Maura in her life. This, she knows from experience. Having Maura is so much better than not having Maura. Then Jane says, “Late is a million times better than never.” This is true. Same could be said of coming out. Just saying, you two.

Then Jane, quite literally, drags Maura off the couch to make her go do her autopsy because she knows those always make her girlfriend feel better. All the while Maura is giving the perfect “I don’t wanna! You can’t make me!” pouty faces. The Dr. Maura Isles Adorableness Meter is off the charts this episode, I tell ya.

After dealing with her sulky girlfriend, Jane goes to deal with a squabbling couple who might have information about the case. But unlike the Adorable Bickersons, this couple is just annoyingly argumentative. But Jane and Frost do find out the victim stole the woman’s ID and was pretending to be her. After a felony act of baby waking by the grump husband, Frost tells Jane he’s never having kids. Look, you two, gay couples can have kids. Adoption, surrogates, artificial insemination. There’s hope for you and Frankie yet, Frost.

As they head back into the office, Jane is stopped in her tracks by a presence inside. It’s Sister Winifred, the meanest nun in the history of mean nuns. At least she must be, because what else would make Det. Sexy McBadass make this scared face?

She has won a grant to work with crime victims, though clearly not based on her soothing and compassionate nature. She chides Jane for being, well, Jane and says she’s surprised the child who kicked out cafeteria window is now on the side of the law. OK, I don’t care how mean she is, I want more stories about Jane’s misspent youth as a badass 7-year-old.

Jane escapes to the comforting safety of the autopsy room and Maura. She complains to her about how “Sister Bitcher” hit her with a ruler because she misspelled “flamboyant.” Um, why was the word “flamboyant” on a second grade spelling test at a Catholic school, Maura asks? Well because it was that obvious what Jane was even in second grade at a Catholic school, that’s why.

But back to the case, because we all really super care about the case. Oh, sorry, I meant the opposite of that. The victim’s brain bounced around in her skull because of a fall. Jane makes a crack about this not being her first rodeo when Maura uses a medical term and gets told, “It takes longer when you make jokes.” At this point I have too many jokes and I’m just going to let you all insert your own here. Go right ahead. I’ll wait. Oh, good ones. Jane agrees.

Maura finds that one of the victim’s fingers isn’t as burned and could get a print. She says she read the technique in an article by Dr. Hope Martin. Jane says they should call Dr. Hope Martin. Maura says no and snips off the tip herself. And down goes Frost, who passes out. Quick someone call Frankie to help revive him.

Sister Winifred is unleashing hell on the Boston Police Department Homicide Squad. She chastises Korsak for liking the word “awesome.” She tells everyone Frankie’s real name is “Francesco.” And she makes Frost admit his full first name is “Barold.” Now if she can get Francesco and Barold to admit they’re a couple, I’d love her even more.

In the lab, Maura is going all A Beautiful Mind on the formula to rehydrate the figure. Jane implores her to call her birth mother for help. Plus it would give her a chance to meet her on a level playing field first. Maura is all, “Uh uh, don’t wanna.” But then relents. So, being the professional that she is she calls her. This is the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not some terrified teenager. And then as soon as she picks up she turns into a terrified teenager.

She thrusts the phone at Jane. Jane protests, but then picks up. She gives the phone back to Maura, who protests and gives it back. And so on and so cute. Ugh, you two. You’re like the stars of a 1930s couple comedy with your banter and your chemistry.

Jane ends up asking her if she’ll do a consult and she says she’ll be there in half an hour. This sends Maura into even more of a tizzy, so they go to the café to calm down. But instead they find Mama R has turned it into an election headquarters complete with everyone’s favorite dimwit bringer of LLBFFness, Giovanni. He’s doing some sort of silly putting peppers on his pizza dance which is enough to turn even a straight girl gay. But since they aren’t, it just reaffirms their orientation and relief at having each other instead.

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