“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.04): Please do watch him leave


This week on Rizzoli & Isles, lesbians start to ship every other character but Rizzoli and Isles themselves. Like Mama Rizzoli and Lieutenant Cavanaugh. With a line out the door at the Division One Cafe, Lt. Cavanaugh stands up for Mama R when Stanley gets grumpy at his own success. Who has a good shipper name for them? Cavangela? Cavela? Cavazzoli? Whatever. It’s all a distraction because the Rizzoli & Isles we’ve come to know and love to obsessively dissect the subtext of isn’t the Rizzoli & Isles we’re seeing on screen. Instead it’s Rizzoli & Isles & the Beard of the Week. Which, besides being a kinda cumbersome title, is also a kinda boring show.

Luckily, before we all lapse into a coma, Maura jogs up in her running togs. Jane can’t help but look because The Rack of God + Lycra Top = Glory, Glory Hallelujah. Eyes up, Det. Rizzoli.

Maura wants Jane to go “running” with her. Jane uses the “I already showered” excuse. See how when you put things in quotation marks it all seems dirtier? Like, it even works on the word “dirtier.” Speaking of dirty, Maura sniffs Jane to verify her shower claim, because all platonic best friends smell each other in public places. Maura tells Jane she needs endorphins from physical activity because she is depressed. Hey, you know what gives you more endorphins than running? Yeah, you know what.

Jane says she’s not depressed. Maura says she is depressed about Casey. Jane says it’s about a ding in her car door. Maura says she’s lying because her left eyebrow moved. And Maura should know because she has studied that face and it’s magnificent features for hours on end. Traced its lines. Caressed its angles. Memorized its every move. Wait, where was I? Oh year, dumb boy stuff. Blah blah balh. I’m going to pull a Jane and just put my fingers in my ears until it’s all over.

In comes Rondo to brighten the day. Jane is complaining about Mama R making bunny pancakes and he says “things taste better with a little shape.” No quotation marks really needed there, that’s dirty enough on its own. He tells Jane she shouldn’t lose any more weight because he likes his detectives with “a little meat on them.” The look on Maura’s face is all, “Me too!”

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