TV

“Pretty Little Liars” recap (3.03) — Untangled Spaghetti

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, the walls of Rosewood segregation collapsed and the whole show benefited from it. Emily got a storyline with Ezra and Ella, Hanna got a storyline with Wren, Jenna actually asked to interact with a Liar on purpose, and Mona was your sweetest dream, your most beautiful nightmare.

Now that the Liars know Jenna can see, they’re taking great precautions not to arouse her suspicions when they form their morning trust circle to talk about what a horrible human being she is. Instead of doing it three feet in front of her face, they do it four feet in front of her face. Hanna’s like, “Just watching her read braille makes me sick!” “Imagine having to fake it for so long,” says Emily, like a former man-dating lesbian who found her way. Tired of watching them watch her, Jenna closes her book and click-clacks away.

The Liars talk about how Spencer’s family only speaks in clipped, cryptic phrases and ominous half-threats, so there’s no telling how long it will be before her mom can form a full sentence to let Spencer know she’s defending a serial killer. Hanna has been robbing Aria’s closet, I guess, because one minute she’s dressed like if the Easter Bunny had a humanoid child with any old bohemian from the East Village, and the next minute she’s dressed like a real estate agent from The Kingdom of Caring. Maybe it’s because it’s time for the Liars to stand together and Care Bear Stare Lucas into taking a shower.

Lucas runs through the halls pushing over more people than a girl pretending to be destitute of vision. Hanna finds him in a classroom setting fire to a principal’s note reprimanding him for having a bad attitude. He is taking his breakup with Caleb really hard. Hanna’s like, “Loving legitimately insane people is kind of my deal. Hold still while I give you a makeover.” But he does not hold still! He runs from the room hollering, “Doooooom and damn you all!” When Caleb rushes in to put out the trash can fire, he acts like it’s the most dangerous thing he’s ever seen in his life – which is a pretty good indicator that Hanna’s been sugar-coating all her bitching about A.

I don’t know what was going on with the title credits last night, but it sounded like all accordion and no voices. I thought maybe it was on purpose, but the regular song was back when the show went up on Hulu this morning.

Anyway, Hanna and Caleb head on over to Rear Window Brew for a tasty treat. Caleb is like, “Just so we’re clear, I don’t want you seeing Mona anymore. I’m not trying to boss you around, but I’m a little worried she’s going to put your head in her mouth like a lion and chomp off your face.” Hanna smiles sweetly and goes, “It’s so cute how you think you can tell me my business.”

Aria and Jenna are walking arm-in-arm down the hallway, and like I’ve said a million times before, Lucy Hale has chemistry even with inanimate objects, so AriaBot is now a thing I’m shipping. Jenna invites Aria over after school to play some music and throw some pottery and maybe take a roofied ride around town in her monster truck. She goes, “See you there, Aria!”

And in the lunchroom Emily is like, “See you there? Those were her exact words? What a bitch.” Emily’s got bigger problems, though. For example, she scored a 94 on her English makeup test, which sends her into an anxiety spiral. Hanna scowls at Spencer and says, “Look what you’ve done!” But Emily explains that there’s no way she made a 94 because she didn’t finish the test because she was too busy remembering her vodka-fueled romp around Rosewood with Jenna. She says, hilariously, that this is the “last thing” she needs people thinking about her. OK, because it’s cool if people think you murdered your best friend and your girlfriend, buried your therapist alive, burned down the old DiLaurentis place, and helped your buddy drown a hobbit, but what will it do to your reputation if your classmates think you cheated on a test?

Really, though, I think Emily is just f–king tired of the Lies.

Aria goes, “Guys, are we getting paranoid, though?” And the Liars go, “Get back to us when you realize we’ve been under attack by an invisible sociopathic wizard for three seasons.”

Caleb tries to talk to Lucas like Hanna asked him to do, but Lucas is suddenly saying words like his last name is Hastings. He’s like, “I feel like I know you, but sometimes my arms bend back. Where I’m from, the birds sing pretty, and there’s always music in the air. Bubble gum?” So Caleb leaves because Hanna might collect stray puppies, but that doesn’t mean he has to bring them to her doorstep in a wagon.

Emily corners Ella to talk about her grade, like, “Mrs. Montgomery, hi. Listen, every word I say is being recorded at all times by some sort of surveillance device, so for the record, did you cheat on my behalf so I wouldn’t fail 11th grade?” Ella smiles, looks right into the camera: “Yes, Emily. Cheating for you is a thing a did. Something about sitting in that chair in that classroom makes a teacher feel things for her students. In this case, it was maternal, but I could see how a handsome young lesbian with a heart of gold and an unnatural attachment to The Great Gatsby might get confused.” (Shay Mitchell, how are you getting even more gorgeous?)

You guys were right: Melissa really did lose her baby. That’s what Veronica Hastings has been trying to tell us all this time. I thought she was just saying that Melissa was down in the dumps because yet another one of her boyfriends was arrested for wearing a Pedo Bear costume while punching a teenage girl in the face with a shovel. Since she can’t invite Garrett to live in Spencer’s bedroom like she did for Ian, Veronica has decided to defend him pro bono. Spencer pleads with Melissa to “do something,” but Melissa just flips through her Pottery Barn catalog and says, “I swore I’d never help you again after you bested me in the Hide and Seek World Championship back in 1993.”

Aria is still reeling about her discovery that her life and the lives of her most beloved companions is in trouble by an anonymous terrorist. This is just so much new information to process, you know? Emily’s like, “I’m not even worried about it, to be honest. What I am is pissed the hell off.” Aria is so confused, not just by the fact that there’s an A, but also by the fact that she’s been turned on by Jenna’s insanity and Emily’s rage in a span of less than three hours. Emily’s like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, OK? I’m like Batwoman. A lesbian vigilante fighting to avenge the lives of those I loved. Heroism is my lover now. By the way, your mom totally cheated for me on my English test.”

One thing that always makes Melissa open up to her little sister with her deepest, darkest secrets is when her little sister brings up that cute little murder video from the night Alison was killed. That’s Spencer’s lead-in, of course, when she tries to find out if Melissa coerced their mom into defending Garrett. That and, “Remember when you were pregnant but then you weren’t anymore? Sad days.” Melissa tells her to “Climb out of Spencer World,” which is the most shocking revelation this show has ever given to us. There is an exit from Spencer World, which means there must be an entrance to Spencer World. BRB, treasure hunting forever.

Aria and Jenna have finally started that band they’ve been talking about since middle school. This is another one of those scenes where there was no music last night, but, like the credits, it was fixed on Hulu today. The missing sounds on this one, though, is a real catastrophe. When I watched it on Hulu, I realized they were playing “In the Eye Abides the Heart,” which: a) Is the absolute perfect hymn for Jenna Marshall and Mona Vanderwwaal, and b) is the song Mona sings (gorgeously!) at the end of the episode, and c) is the piano refrain we hear when the Risen Mitten puts her vodka on ice in the freezer containing Ali’s body.

In the eye abides the heart. Every pure and tender feeling, All emotions worth revealing, Through the eyes their charm impart. Words are often clothed in guile; For the lips with fear may falter: E’en confiding smiles may alter Oh! believe not in a smile!
I want to hug the person choosing the literature references and music for this show, I really do.

Aria is working her keyboard and Jenna is working her flute and I’ll be honest, I’d pay $50 to see them in concert, just on the off-chance that Noel Kahn would show up and turn it into a demon-summoning fashion show. I know I keep saying Lucy Hale is on fire this season, but that’s only because Lucy Hale is on fire this season. She cranes her neck this way and that before settling on a post-it note inside of Jenna’s flute case that details the time and location of what is undoubtedly a sinister meet-up between two identical forces of evil. Jenna asks if Emily is OK, what with losing another girlfriend to death and dismemberment and everything, and also she gives Aria some cookies. Jenna, are you a good guy or what?! I don’t know what to feel about you anymore!

The Liars regroup to talk about who will be spying on whom once Spencer finishes doing all of their homework. Hanna’s going back to Radley, of course, despite Caleb’s protestations. Spencer’s going to watch that video of the NAT Club in Allison’s room a dozen more times to see if she missed any clues she can discuss with Melissa. And Aria and Hanna agree to tail Jenna. Ella interrupts the Scooby-shakedown by calling to let Aria know that the vice-principal wants to meet with her to see if she’s helped any students cheat on any tests lately.

Ezbian’s Hollow. Apparently Ezra Fitz has taken up TV recapping to supplement his income between teaching jobs because he slams his laptop shut, rubs his eyes, punches himself in the face, and says, “You used to be able to go a whole lifetime without someone threatening to kill you in your sleep over your opinions about a campy teenage dramedy. Now big concentrated blobs of rage are delivered hourly with the click of a mouse.” Aria makes out with him to take his mind off of it – which, protip: totally works – but crushes the mood because the snogging makes her think of Emily and Emily makes her think of how that A cat really exists and A makes her remember that her mom’s going to lose her job.

Aria goes, “Have you ever helped out a student?” And Ezra is like, “Why are you speaking like a Spencer? Ask me what you really want to ask me.” She confesses that her mom is probably going to teacher jail because of how she helped out Emily. Ezra smiles that heart-slaying smile and says, “It’s OK, Aria! I exist outside of our relationship this season! There’s no forcefield compartmentalizing us! I’ll do something helpful that involves other characters besides you!” It’s such a relief, to all of us. I mean, long live Ezrabian and everything, but how lovely/engaging to see them both shine outside of weather catastrophes.

When Hanna shows up at Radley, Mona is reading Vogue to the other mental patients like it’s a children’s book. It is easily the best image this show has ever given to us, those girls just sitting quietly around Mona in a circle while she reads, “…gel color-the indestructible, insta-drying polishes that withstand up to two weeks’ wear-and-tear, all the while remaining shiny and scratch-free-is now available in home kits.” Then she shows everyone the photos and continues reading. So good I can hardly stand it. When she sees Hanna she smiles sweetly and takes her for a turn about the asylum.

I could never do better than this, so here it is verbatim:

Mona: I drink a lot of water. My mouth is always really dry. It’s the pills. My mouth is really dry so I drink a lot of water, sort of like a cleanse. Do you want some water? Hanna: Er, no. I’m fine, thank you. Mona: Me too. Hanna: [With an amazing, half-serious/half-bamboozled expression] You seem really different from the last time I was here. Mona: [Nods.] They changed what I was taking. What I’m taking now is different. And it makes my mouth really dry, and they won’t let you have gum. What is the deal with that?
Then Mona literally goes, “Let’s be honest, we’ve had our ups and downs.” Our ups and downs! Hahaha! Our ups and downs! “Let’s be honest, I was having a really crabby day when I assaulted you with my car, kidnapped your therapist, trapped Emily in a barn with carbon monoxide, cut the brakeline on Toby’s truck, ruined your dad’s wedding, stole Ian’s dead body, and sent over Moo-Shu Pork with worms in it. But besties forever, right?” She also says even though she’s catatonic half the time, she knows what’s going on. She goes, “You’ll always have me. I’m not going to forget any of you” like she’s Jesus. Maybe she is. I kind of hope she is. Either way, Janel Parrish is a god. She’s essentially playing seven different characters right now, and all of them are perfect.

As Hanna’s leaving Radley, she spies Lucas going in to see Mona. And then she spies Caleb spying on her. He badmouths Mona and she gets all up in his nut about it. She’s like, “Look, that girl in there right now? That girl is insane in the good way, the best friend way! She was talking about DIY nail gel and how she’s the Master of the Universe! Like she used to do before she hit me with her car!” There’s an actual record-scratching noise as that last part slaps Caleb’s brain in the face. He goes, “Hang on, she’s the one who ran over you with a car?” Hanna rolls her eyes, because no. Mona actually ran under her with a car.

They have to cut their fight short because here comes Lucas, acting nuttier than an oak tree growing Snickers bars. Hanna’s like, “Dude, what are you doing here? You haven’t had a bath in weeks; did Mona even allow you into her presence?” He shouts about how Mona is going to catch them all in her death bag if she ever gets out of Radley, and then he scampers off into the night, howling at the moon and pawing at his fleas.

The next day, Hanna and Aria stake out Jenna’s house, waiting for her to leave for her 4:15 ear-plug appointment. She tells Aria about the Radley debacle from last night, with Lucas acting like a squirrel hopped up on blow and Caleb crossing his arms and furrowing his brow and disapproving of every little life-threatening thing. Hanna’s like, “You know, next time I get a chance to ask a culprit a direction question, I’m going to do it!” Aria rolls her eyes, because she is so sure. When have they ever engaged in that kind of proactive behavior? They don’t have time to squabble, though, because a taxi arrives to pick-up Jenna. The car chase is on!

Spencer, meanwhile, is trying to get the skinny on Melissa’s hospital stay in DC. She calls the hospital and asks if they could please tell her the times and dates of Melissa’s most recent medical procedure, and they sure would be happy to do that if Melissa had ever visited their hospital. Next, Spencer calls the resort where Melissa was staying and the concierge is like, “I don’t think you left here to have a miscarriage, Ms. Hastings, unless you found time to do it between spa-ing and luau-ing with your mother.”

Emily decides to accompany Ella to the vice principal’s office to let him know Ella only cheated on her behalf because she’s a conduit of deceptive energy and everyone in her path ends up Lying and getting murdered. Ella goes, “Sweetheart, I know you don’t know what it’s like to have parents, but this is what it feels like. Being loved and protected and sheltered from the shitstorm of your daily existence.” It’s a really wonderful scene and you get the feeling they’re going to hold hands and take the fall together, but somehow Ezra saves the day by … I’m not sure, actually. He probably just grinned that side-grin at the vice-principal and made him forget even his own name. It’d work on me.

Aria and Hanna summon Spencer and Emily to Jenna’s secret appointment and Spencer – gaying it up in a buttondown, a vest, and a ponytail – literally goes, “A gun store?! What is she doing at a fffffffuuuuuricking gun store?!” Planning to save your asses, probably. In the eye abides the heart, in the gun abides the bullets. Jenna gets in her car and Hanna decides enough is goddamn enough. She marches over, slaps her hands against the hood and says, “What a sight for sore eyes!”

I’m running out of time, but here’s what I want to say about this scene in the alley: PLL has been hiding its villains’ lights under a bushel, and I’m so glad they’ve decided to let ’em shine. I mean, Janel Parrish owns this episode, but Tammin Sursok is inspired in this scene. For starters, Jenna won’t look at any of the Liars in the face. She’s hanging onto her blind mannerisms. And for seconders, she pings from indignation (she’s being hunted too!) to empathy (she actually saved Emily that night!) to outrage (they have to keep her secret because they owe her!) to pleading (don’t they?). It’s good. So good. The Liars don’t even know what to do with her. It’s like they thought they were catching a trout, but instead they hooked the friendliest, saddest shark!

Caleb visits Mona at Radley to see if she’s as flawless as he’s heard – and yep, she is! She yammers on about solitaire for a while before he accuses her of laughing at everyone inside her hyperreality. He tries to turn the tables by saying, “Well, joke’s on you, bitch, because I get to leave this place.” So she flips the table (literally!) on him and starts screaming in his face like a banshee. But not before she tells him he’s a crappy kisser.

Hastings House of Horrors. Taking a page from Hanna’s book, Spencer comes right out and asks her mom if Melissa was faking her pregnancy. Veronica is like, “Yeah, pretty much. You want a snack before bed?”

At Rear Window, we get to know more and more about the real Ezra Fitz. Namely, he really does love teaching and he really does care about his students. Emily’s still working out that anger part of her grief cycle, but she’s on her way up. She tells “Mr. Fitz” that she’s done, right now, as of this moment, just absolutely finished with people feeling sorry for her. Two of her girlfriends have died, yes. Someone once poisoned her with her own sports cream. A doll came to life in the back seat of her car. Shit happens fast and hard in her life, but she’s a survivor. Ezra is like, “I know. That’s why I made you a new test. Same subject, different questions, no PTSD.” He even remembers what coffee she drinks.

At Radley, Mona clutches the Queen of Hearts in her hand and sings “In the Eye Abides the Heart” like the Rachel Berry of God’s own choir, and the Risen Mitten pours herself a drink and ices down her bottle of vodka next to the frozen skull of Alison DiLaurentis.

If you’re looking for your #BooRadleyVanCullen tweets, they’ve got their own post now!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button