Yesterday, Entertainment Weekly rolled out the first images from Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, and unlike the “Squeeeeeaaallll!” that followed the release of the honeymoon photos from Breaking Dawn Part 1, these pictures were met with a collective, “Oh. Right. Renesmee.”
All of us would like to forget that Bella and Edward had a child who was imprinted upon by a wolfman – but nope! There she is! A real kid, just clutching Bella’s hand and staring deep into Jacob’s eyes and letting us all know she’s going to make us hate her.
Renesmee Cullen is not the first child to try to ruin our lives, nor will she be the last. In fact, here’s a list of ten fictional children that nearly drove us crazytown bananapants.
Dude, you ruined Star Wars. STAR WARS. The former most beloved movie series of all time. You are more hated than the grown-up version of yourself that breathed real heavy and tried to destroy the world. Sith Lord? More like thiiiiiiis bored, amirite?
I blame Hannah Montana for a lot of things, including the way every child actor on the Disney Channel SCREAMS THEIR LINES AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. Lizzie McGuire didn’t SHOUT EVERY WORD ALL THE TIME. Hannah Montana wasn’t the best of both worlds. She wasn’t the best of any worlds. Also, she revitalized Billy Ray Cyrus’ film career, which was maybe her grossest move of all.
Is there a cartoon character more reviled than the precocious little boxing pup that Cousin Oliver-ed one of the greatest animated shows ever? No, there is not. Because he is the worst. He tried to steal scenes and snatch lines and solve crime, but the only thing he succeeded in doing was making me hate him. And then I hated myself because who hates a puppy? Thanks a lot, Scrappy.
Oh, Bobby/Henry. You’re supposed to be an adorable juxtaposition to the moral decay displayed by the adults in your life, but you grate on me so much, I end up rooting for the bad guys. Go bang your head against the wall.
Angelica “Portard” Kennard-Porter ruined my life with her adorableness. Seriously, man. That kid was flawless. Remember when she waved from her highchair? Remember when she went gunslinging with Aunt Kit’s piece? Remember when whe was perfect always? She probably killed Jenny. That’s how wonderful she was. But she was a ruiner. She ruined my potential children’s futures. If I ever have a child of my own, I could never love it as much as I loved Angie.
With her family on the brink of being evicted and shunned, Kaitlin Cooper could only think of her horse. “What?! I love China! She’s the prettiest pony!” A couple of years later, she killed a dude with her mind games.
Let’s see: Raped Veronica Mars, blew up a bus full of students, ruined one of the greatest female-centric shows on television, and what else? Let’s just go ahead and blame him for derailing Kristen Bell’s movie career. Fucking Beaver.
When he was in elementary school, Adam Sandler made a couple of really cute movies: Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer. But then he got to middle school and just went off the rails with his drunken Peter Pan obnoxiousness. Zohan, Jack and Jill, and what the hell is That’s my Bro-I’m sorry, what? Adam Sandler is a real-life grown-ass man? Oh. OK. My mistake.
Terri Scuester’s fake pregnancy became the litmus test by which Glee writers measured every other storyline. “Will the audience sit through this shit?” they asked themselves. “Of course they will; they sat through Terri’s fake baby,” they answered themselves. Will Schuester would father the worst imaginary fetus in the history of the world.
A lot of people think Olivia from The Cosby Show was the most annoying sitcom child of the ’80s. But no, my friends. It was Stephanie Tanner. She took that black sheep middle child thing to a whole new dimension, making even Jan Brady look well adjusted and un-annoying. How rude!
Who do you think are the most life-ruining fictional children ever?
