Over on 365 Gay this week, “Ask the Expert” was with R&B singer and crossdresser Janelle Monae, who tackled this question:
“My four-year-old daughter only wants to dress like a boy. I know this might be a phase … Should I dress her in pink anyway? – Sandra”
I cringed at the pink, in a couple ways. Obviously Sandra means, should I dress her like a girl anyway; should I dress her in pink dresses and skirts with bows in her hair; should I ignore her autonomous requests for her own clothes and style and gender expression and force my standards upon her, reinforcing societal standards for gender roles and presentation?
(Uh, you may notice what kind of reaction I have to that kind of thing.)
But also, I do not believe that any particular color is owned by any particular gender. Boys can wear pink. Butches can wear pink. Dapper dandy men can wear pink. Burly women can wear pink. It doesn’t have to symbolize what it usually has: girlyness.
Janelle handled this question with ease:
I think we should break up those labels and categories of “that’s for a boy” vs “that’s for a girl.” individuality is very important at an early age. There’s no right or wrong way to dress, you should never diminish your light and who you are to fit in or to feel more liked.
I am a woman, I don’t have to reiterate to the world that I am woman. I am sexy, I’m all those things. And there’s so many ways that I can do that.
It comes from you first defining yourself before someone else defines you. Don’t allow human to place labels and categories on what you are, who you are, and who you should be.
Yes, yes, Janelle, thank you!
I appreciate her answer. I especially like the idea of defining yourself before someone else defines you. It reminds me of that beautiful Audre Lorde quote: “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.”
But while Janelle addressed the larger issues at play in this question – like labeling, and choosing how to dress, she doesn’t necessarily say something directly to Sandra. So hey, let me do that.
Dear Sandra,
Please let your daughter start expressing herself through her choice of dress. Four years old, as anyone who has ever interacted with a four-year-old knows, is plenty old enough to have opinions, personality, and preferences of one’s own. Clearly, your daughter is beginning to express what she thinks fits her.
Is it a phase? Who knows! Maybe! Maybe she will develop a more masculine style of dress as she gets older. But maybe not, maybe this will be something she does temporarily. Maybe she’ll go on to dress “like a boy” and “like a girl” for the rest of her life! How well-rounded would she be then?
Regardless, what does it matter how she dresses? What does it matter how any of us dresses? One of the amazing things about having this life is that we have these bodies that we get to adorn however we like, and how we choose to show off our bodies tends to be visual clues to other people like us about who we are and what kind of things we’re interested in.
And your daughter, at the wise young age of four, is already asserting her individuality and her own tastes by being interested in boy’s clothes. What’s the harm in letting her do so? You will be telling her that you care about her thoughts and opinions, that you trust her to make her own decisions about her body and herself. These are great things to empower kids with, regardless of their age.
If you’re uncomfortable with it, ask yourself why. Why does she have to dress “like a girl,” in pink? Why do you think it would be harder for her if she dressed with a more boyish style? Perhaps you have some underlying homophobia going on. That’s something to take a good hard look at in yourself. Check out the stories by Ivan E. Coyote about her nephew, who, as the stories go, “likes to wear dresses.” One of them is on her CD You’re A Nation. They’re moving and sweet, and a great example of what it’s like to listen to what kids want, and how we can honor them and encourage them to express themselves.
Good luck, Sandra. I hope you can ease up the gender policing of your four-year-old and let her be whatever she’s going to be, creating a safe space for her to express herself as much as possible.
Sinclair
