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Girlfriends, Forever! How to make your LTR last 20+ years

Courtney Parks, a 48-year-old business and career coach, and her partner Lori, a 51-year-old who works in design, met in Boston 25 years ago. They have been together for 23 years, and seem like one of the happiest couples I’ve met. Their story is pretty incredible, and it’s definitely something that we can all learn from.

I sat down with Courtney and Lori in West Hollywood (across from a raging karaoke competition at Hamburger Mary’s) to chat about how they’ve made it work and what advice they have for AfterEllen readers.

AfterEllen.com: How did you meet?

Courtney: We were co-workers who became friends. We were recruiters at a temp agency. Our boss thought we were going to hate each other. Lori was away on vacation when I started and our boss actually put me at her desk.

Lori: I was in Australia and she didn’t think I was coming back.

Courtney: But she did come back and we got along right away. We always joke that Jenny, our boss, was so upset that we got along-and she would die to know that we’re still together. We were probably friends for two years before we got together.

AE: You spent 2 years as friends?

Courtney: We were both involved with other people at the time. But we would go out to lunch and I would think, “hmm, why does it feel like we are on a date?”

AE: Courtney, did you know you liked women before you met?

Courtney: I really didn’t. Looking back I had a sense but, at the time, I wasn’t fully conscious of it. Everything felt different though when I was with Lori.

Lori: We connected instantly and it turned into something else really naturally. That’s the best way I can describe it- very natural.

Courtney: Growing up, my parents were artists and we always had gay friends. So there was never a problem with it, I just didn’t realize it for myself. It’s almost like Lori and I fell in love before we were fully aware of what was going on. My gay friends were like, “yeah that’s so obvious.” When I came out and told them about Lori, they were like, “well duh.”

Lori: Things were a little different back then. Being gay wasn’t as popular and accepted as it is now.

Courtney: Yes, this was 25 years ago. Women in the gay community would say, “Oh, you’re not gay-you’re just straight and then you met her.” And I’m like, oh no, I’m definitely gay! Trust me, you don’t have to be with lots of women to know you like women. I’m just not one of those people who was aware of it when I was four.

AE: How many years has it been, exactly?

Courtney: Twenty-three years that we’ve been together, 25 that we’ve known each other.

AE: That’s pretty amazing.

Lori: We both come from pretty solid parents.

Courtney: Long term, traditional relationships are our model.

Lori: But it’s also worked.

AE: Right, it’s not like you’re forcing it.

Courtney: Not at all. We met the person we were supposed to be with and that was it forever. Sometimes we joke that we didn’t get to explore more with other people. But friends are like, “Too bad! You have the dream situation.”

AE: I feel like we always want what our friends have.

Courtney: Yeah. I’d never want to deal with dating or the downside of it. I can’t even imagine. And I don’t want to be with anyone besides Lori, it’s just the idea of it. No one feels sorry for me.

AE: What makes your relationship work?

Courtney: There’s never a question of whether or not we are leaving the relationship. Sometimes we have to leave the room, but we don’t ever think about leaving each other. There was a certain point where we just dropped the question of “Are we going to stay together?” Whatever arises, we work through it. Even friends will go, when we’re having a tough time, “Oh my god-are you guys gonna be okay? You can’t break up!” And I’m like, “Oh, we aren’t breaking up. It’s just a tough time and we’re working through it.”

AE: So many relationships are not lasting, and divorce is so common now. What is your perspective on that?

Courtney: I do think in certain cases, people just don’t know how to get through it. They haven’t learned how. It’s not their fault necessarily. They haven’t figured out how to work together, no matter what.

Lori: And it’s not like you stay in a bad situation. We wouldn’t stay if it were bad.

Courtney: Right, we are in the best situation. We aren’t perfect, we drive each other crazy, we want to kill each other, but we are solid and we have always been happy together. That has never changed.

AE: Are there special challenges for two women in an LTR that might not happen in a straight relationship?

Courtney: The thing that comes to mind more than anything, when you are two women, it’s almost like you’re two kids. There’s always been respect for our relationship, but we don’t get asked our opinion as much, because there’s no guy in the picture. We aren’t looked at the same way as Lori’s brother and sister, who are married with children, for example. They’re always like, “oh the girls are coming,” like we are kids.

AE: What is the most common misconception about lesbian LTRs?

Lori: That it’s just a friendship—not a real relationship.

Courtney: Right, that it’s really boring. We’re just hanging out. But we are still so attracted to one another. That doesn’t change over time. She is IT.

AE: What is your favorite thing about each other?

Lori: I’ve always been attracted to Courtney’s intelligence and the gifts that she has to offer others. She’s very warm. She has things I don’t have.

Courtney: Same. We have very similar values and how we want to live but we are very different personality-wise. Lori is much more relaxed and has always been much more comfortable being different. I grew up trying to be the perfect little girl so it makes sense that I didn’t know I was gay. Now I fully embrace it. Lori was the opposite of the perfect little girl growing up. So I’ve really learned from her how to be comfortable with not doing everything right. That attracted me to her. She’s very different in how she does things. But we see the world the same. We’re both grounded, connected, healthy. We both value family.

AE: Do your personality differences ever become an issue?

Courtney: We’ve definitely had to adjust. It’s important to understand how each other thinks and feels. If our place is really messy, for example, it makes me uncomfortable. If things are too neat, it makes her uncomfortable. I’ve had to learn that her being messy is not about annoying me.

AE: Do you have a pet peeve about each other?

Lori: I don’t know how to say it but you just need to relax-let it go. That’s your nature. It’s what I love about you and hate about you. It has to be looked at and picked at and dissected and pulled apart and just let it go. It’s no big deal.

Courtney: I’m definitely more controlling, no question. My pet peeve…the socks.

Lori: I don’t pick up after myself.

Courtney: It’s like I’m her mother, so to speak. I am always cleaning up.

AE: Are you married?

Lori: We want to get married, the timing just hasn’t been right as we’ve both had to deal with illness in our families. And we want to do it right.

Courtney: We moved here six years ago, right after gay marriage was taken away. I remember thinking, “Oh, California doesn’t want us anymore.” Like, “We’re not invited.” That’s how it felt at some level. When we got the chance again, we had another illness in the family, so we are not having a wedding right now.

AE: What advice would you give on how to make an LTR last?

Lori: I think there are two main things: communication and when things get difficult, staying with it, not giving up. Work through it.

Courtney: It’s important to say thank you. It seems like a small thing. Even little things we’ve done for each other a million times, we always say thank you.

Lori: And for younger people, I would say, just slow down. Slow down and appreciate who you are with. There is so much going on in people’s lives. Don’t take your partner for granted. You are in your relationship, but not really in it.

Courtney: Right. We sit down and we have dinner together every night. Lori cooks amazing food and we enjoy and appreciate it. We do whatever we can do to ground ourselves when things get crazy. We will stop everything to make sure we are okay. It has to be conscious. We aren’t afraid to say anything or share anything with each other at this point. That’s the luxury of having so many years together and so much trust.

Lori: We also laugh together all the time—we crack each other up!

Courtney: Yes, even if we weren’t in love, she’s still my favorite person to be with in the world. And I still get excited every time she comes home.

Find out more about Courtney’s business, Courtney Parks Coaching, visit courtneyparks.com.

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