Dear Biffle or Beezy,
After years of bitching about being single, my friend (let’s call her Callie) finally got a girlfriend (I’ll call her Tessa). Problem is, she’s a total bitch. Bitch isn’t a word I use lightly, but this girl has a well deserved reputation for being a manipulative wacko. I knew at least three girls she’s slept with, used, and lied to on a worrying scale. I tried to warn my friend but she didn’t want to hear it and got surprisingly nasty. What do I do?
– Wacko Woes
Dear wacko woes,
I feel you, girl. You want your friend to be happy, but you know the person making her happy now is going to make her miserable later.
Unfortunately, people are pretty good at making themselves miserable. If someone wants to make a shitty choice, that person is going to find a way to make a shitty choice. Watching the people you care about make shitty choices is yet another drawback to free will. Yet that’s the social contract we’ve struck, so like it or not, your best friend is dating a douchebag and there’s no way to stop it. I’ll give you a moment to process that, and maybe crush a coke can with your forehead.
The obvious solution would be to hang out with Callie without Tess. Reach out to plan one-on-one time instead of asking her to meet up with a group of friends. Offer to drive so she can’t smuggle the trifling trick into friend time by feigning ignorance. Drop tantalizing hints at a deep, dark secret you long to confess to just one soul before departing this realm for the next. Normal friend stuff. You’ve already made your disdain for Tessa very clear to Callie, who probably made it clear to Tessa because bitches LOVE defending their unique and special love from criticism, concern, H8Rs.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Except dysfunctional couples, who are forever peeping from their flammable cottage in pointy black hats. “People need to mind their own business,” they’ll moan before dancing naked in a blighted field. “Haters gonna hate,” they’ll tut, drawing bloody pentagons in the town square “ain’t nothing you can do about it.”
Your friends are just going to keep changing, but that’s ok because you will change too. Six months ago, I went through a similar dilemma. For a couple weeks, I mourned the friendship like only a lesbian writer can mourn a year long friendship based on food and weed. Then I made new friends and realized “Whoa, I like these people way more than that simple bitch.” I do feel bad for the poor girl, particularly in light of her new paramour’s flagrant infidelity, but some lessons must be learned the hard, lonely way.
If Callie is a good friend, she will understand why you’re trying to protect her. In turn, you should understand if she chooses to continue dating Tessa. If you’re wrong, you will eventually realize that you are wrong. If she’s wrong, Tessa will screw her over, and you will tactfully refrain from saying “I told you so” for at least a month. If Callie punishes you for speaking honestly, she’s not a good friend. If Callie gets a girlfriend and stops spending time with her friends, she’s not a good friend.
That doesn’t mean Callie wasn’t a good friend before meeting Tessa, or won’t be a good friend in the future; it just means that human nature is malleable, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. People change. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes for the worse. Pick your battles. Ignore idiots.
Dear Biffle or Beezy,
There is a particular acquaintance I see often but have trouble talking to. Perhaps because we only hang out at parties or in bars, but whenever I talk to her, she keeps looking over my shoulder or to the side. Maybe she’s just taking in the scene, but it feels like she’s not listening to me. What should I say or do?
– Done with Darting Eyes
Dear done with darting eyes,
You have every right to be annoyed. Wandering eyes will kill a convo in stealth and speed. Next time this happens, abruptly stop talking mid sentence, or even mid word and look at your acquaintance expectantly. When she notices and asks why you’ve suddenly stopped talking/are staring at her silently, innocently explain “Because you’ve looked away. Is something going on over there?”
You’re going for curiosity, not accusation, but throw in some exaggerated search gestures if you’re feeling cheeky. Then finish your sentence and ask her a related question. She’ll be uncomfortable, then grateful for your tact, then flattered by your interest.
Send Chloe your Biffle or Beezy questions and follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr.
