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The Hook Up: Is my inexperience a deterrent to women?

I’m a single bisexual girl. Although I’m at uni (studying literature, to stay with the theme), my experience with girls is close to zero. But that’s not the problem I’d like to talk about. The thing that I think limits me most is that I believe that experienced women would never be willing to be intimate with me, thus preventing me from ever becoming experienced!

It’s similar to the job market, if you will. I just have the notion that lady-loving ladies know exactly what they want and are used to great sex, which of course is a horrible stereotype. Unfortunately, this makes me think that I will never be deserving of a queer lady’s patience. In an ideal world, I would find someone who is on my level and we could learn together, but of course that makes dating even harder! So are my worries completely irrational or is there some truth to them? I’m starting to feel very ashamed that I don’t know how to please women (and the obnoxious straight dudes questioning my sexuality because of it don’t make it any better). Will I ever find my Marina? – Jenny

Anna says: Dear Jenny, allow me to let you in on a little-known secret about queer lady sex: Nobody knows what they are doing. We are all faking it-some more convincingly than others-but faking it nonetheless. How is this possible? Well, because every new person you sleep with will be different than the last. That crazy figure-eight-thing you did that the last lady loved? Guess what? The next one may not like that at all! Women are incredibly complex and hence our sex is no different-meaning, paradoxically, that it’s always different.

Here’s another secret: What really truly makes someone good in bed is not mastering a reverse somersault tongue dive technique or sexing all the ladies within a six-mile radius of you. It boils down to two things: 1) Knowing what YOU want in bed, and being able to communicate that to a partner. And 2) being able to communicate generally during sex. That’s it! You can bang 1,000 ladies, but if you don’t know how to tell someone what turns you on or how to ask your partner what turns them on, then the sex you have is still going to be a shot in the dark with a lot of guesswork, frustration, and unnecessary laundry.

This is not to say that experience doesn’t help. It does, but mostly in the confidence arena. If you bang 1,000 ladies, I imagine you’re probably gonna feel pretty good about yourself. And tired. But lack of experience doesn’t make you any less desirable or bangable than the Don Juana described above. Also, unless you are broadcasting your lack of experience via megaphone to every girl you meet, it’s probably not even going to come up. Last time I checked, it was still impolite to ask someone casually, “So, how many ladies have you sexed in your life?” For which you should always reply, “Wouldn’t you like to know? Twenty-seven, plus threesomes.”

That said, it’s totally normal to feel apprehensive and anxious when sexing a new lady. Your worries are valid, but don’t let them stop you. Girl sex is not like the job market. Except for the fact that everyone wears pantsuits during the act.

If you’d like to get a head start on learning how to be a bang-up bang buddy, I’d recommend Allison Moon‘s new book Girl Sex 101 for a lot more on communication, consent, and yes, even some techniques. But I’d also encourage you to do some real, live field research, too-with yourself (if you are available) and with others. Good luck!

I am a 40-year-old woman. I had never been with a woman up until recently, though I had developed crushes in the past. So I can not really categorize myself in known terms. But three months ago, I met a woman. She is my neighbor. She is married to her long time boyfriend. She is gorgeous and has a heart of gold. She told me she fell in love with me. And I fell in love with her.

Eventually, though, she freaked out. The secrecy, her husband, her thoughts of us leaking into her real life made her face the reality that she was a cheating wife. She held me responsible for allowing things to get out of control. Finally, she asked for us to find a way to stay together without doing the things that make her feel guilty. My way of solving this was asking her not to call me for a month because I need to deal with the feeling of rejection even though she is not rejecting. I can’t say I totally get myself…

I know that hanging around her is going to hurt and I am as helpless as a young teenager facing the break-up/staying-friends dilemma with her first-time lover. I am trying to be an adult about it but all these feelings and pain is not letting me. She is hurting now as well, I was not the only one in tears. Me disappearing would be the best but I think I need a few words from you to build and reinforce a resolve in me such that I don’t give into negativities the next time I see her. I participated in a wrong behaviour and want us to come out of this with as minimal damage as possible, if possible. Thank you so much. -First-Timer

p.s. I read all your articles. Thank you for writing them 🙂

Anna says: Dear First-Timer, Navigating a situation like yours requires a tremendous amount of resolve, willpower, and a conscious decision to break your own heart. You love this woman. She loves you. And yet, you can’t be together. At least not as it is now, with the sneaking around, the lying, and the pesky matter of her husband.

Allow me to quote a story from Amanda Palmer‘s memoir The Art of Asking. In it, Palmer’s friend and mentor Anthony tells a story about a farmer and his dog:

“A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out with his dog. A friend walks up to the porch to say hello, and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from the dog.

‘What’s the matter with Ol’ Blue?’ asks the friend.

‘He’s layin’ on a nail that’s pokin’ up from the floorboards,’ says the farmer.

‘Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?’ asks the friend.

The farmer deliberates on this and replies: ‘Don’t hurt enough yet.'”

The painful, and perhaps painfully obvious moral of the story is that when something truly and finally hurts us enough, we will get off the damn nail. That moment, I think you know, has come, FT. Do it even though you love her. Hell, do it BECAUSE you love her. Do it now, because if you don’t, you’ll eventually start to resent her. And because you deserve to give your heart to someone capable of taking it fully and unequivocally.

I think your decision to take a one-month break was a good one. In truth, it may take far longer, but one month is a start. It will give you both some much-needed distance and time and reflection. If the month comes to an end and you still feel your heart burst and sway at the thought of her, take another month. Take as much time as you need-until you feel like you can be around her platonically without it shattering you.

You might slip up. You might try to sit back down on the nail once again. That’s OK. It happens. Just remember that truth is not always the same thing as honesty, and that, at least for a while, untangling yourself from heartache is always going to hurt more before it hurts less. In the meantime, take the best care of yourself that you can. Call in reinforcements (friends, family, confidants) to help you. Feed and nurture yourself. Cultivate a fierce self-compassion. Don’t shrink from the harshness or the pain. Let it wash over and through you. It’s the surest way to the other side.

I see you on that shore, FT. It’s time to get off the nail.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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