What if lesbians were cats? Or cats were lesbians? What would that mean? Most importantly, what do my cats say about me?
As a single lesbian writer with two cats, I often ponder these questions. Not just because I have a lot of time on my hands, but because the prospect of becoming “that girl with the cats” strikes crippling insecurity into my heart. Single lesbians and cats go together like lesbian couples and packs of tiny dogs; it just works.
Cats are fluffy, low-maintenance, independent, inexpensive, and down to chill 24/7. Alas, even in the otherwise enlightened year of 2015, coming out as a cat person is often met with disapproval, suspicion, and disdain. If you’ve ever said “I have a cat,” “I am a cat person,” or (God forbid) “I prefer cats to dogs,” you know what I’m talking about. Take it away, Tumblr:
The first date moment I dread most isn’t splitting the check or leaning in for a kiss; it’s telling my date I have a cat. “I didn’t mean to,” I find myself reassuring them, “he was horribly neglected.” On a recent date with a successful boi in her mid-30s, the big feline reveal took a dark turn.
Me: I have a cat
Date: (flinching): Oh. I don’t like cats.
Me: That’s OK, a lot of people don’t.
Date: There’s just something about cats…
Me: Cats are complicated.
Date: I just think they’re mean and kind of pointless.
Me: Depends on the cat. Mine is funny and affectionate.
Date: Really? I’ve never encountered that.
Me: I’ve noticed people who don’t like cats had a bad experience with a cat, usually when they were little.
Date: That’s right! A cat scratched me in the face when I was six.
Me: See? One bad cat ruined them all for you. That’s traumatizing.
Date: Then my Dad took the cat out back and shot it.
Me: Well, you can’t shoot my cat. Even if she scratches you.
Did I mention she brought her dog along on the first date?
Not all cat people are weird people. We do not craft with cat fur or write letters to Cat Fancy. America’s Sweethearts/porcelain-skinned rival pop stars Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are both proud cat owners. Theory: they don’t have boy drama, they have CAT drama. Think about it. There are as many types of cat women as there are women, which is why I’ve neatly sorted them into easily consumable boxes based on cliche and cultural representation. The cat sorting hat, if you will.
WHAT YOUR CAT SAYS ABOUT YOU
You Are: Nice enough, I guess. Tabbies grow from the cutest kittens into enormous brat monsters who give no fucks because you’ll like them anyway. You are a bro or a mousy girl hiding her inner bro beneath bangs and library books. Sweet, low-maintenance and confident, you hike for fun but also to Instagram hiking pictures. Your wardrobe revolves around neutral and earth tones. Your favorite colors are black, brown, and white. You secretly love Pumpkin Spice lattes but drink antioxidant tea instead. Girls gravitate to you, but you’re always hung up on that one Madonna type uber-babe who got away. You go for what you want, and then you eat it.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Britney Griner
You Are: High maintenance, needy, affectionate, anxious, loyal and so damn pretty. You can be a bit silly but woe to anyone who points that out. You’re an enthusiastic, jovial shit talker with a heart of gold. Siamese are shy and often mistaken for standoffish. Siamese hide their sensitivity beneath empty meows. Siamese just want to hear, “You have pretty eyes.” Seriously, they never tire of hearing it. In fact, if someone doesn’t compliment your eyes, you’ll secretly wonder why. Was it the light?
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Amber Heard
You Are: Prone to gazing in the mirror for a little too long, what others call vanity you call “being really, ridiculously good looking.” You require daily grooming and your bathroom is filled with half-used hair products. You are either very clean or very messy; there is no in between. You deserve the best life has to offer, and you know it. You are not athletic and naturally clumsy. Sweet unless you hate someone, in which case you REALLY hate them and will probably hurt them if opportunity arises.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Ruby Rose
You Are: Mystical, spiritual, and slightly pretentious. You like making art, but you like making people look at your art even more. Religious iconography is your jewelry of choice, particularly if it’s a religion you know nothing about. You want to make the world a better place but you’re not sure how. You favor monogamy and Asian food. You loved LOTR and regularly quote Harry Potter. You’re not as edgy as you think you are.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Evan Rachel Wood
You Are: a plain spoken, straight talkin’ sort of girl who gives zero fucks about social status. Effortlessly likable and laid back, you’ve got serious slacker tendencies. P.E. was your favorite class in high school. Pizza is your favorite food. You have bad taste in denim and mooch off your friends. Sometimes you go to the bathroom just to scratch your butt. You make a lot of jokes and sometimes they are funny. Either way, people laugh.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Kate McKinnon
You Are: Taylor Swift. Peter Pan collars, red lipstick, and a soft cardigan are your uniform of choice. Old movies are your favorite movies but you’ve only seen 8. You like parties, holidays, and Pinterest. Adorable with an edge, you always use inside voices. When someone annoys you, you silently shun them. Not a reader but you like how books look, particularly vintage hardcovers. You’re an OK singer prone to interrupting other people’s conversations with a sudden burst of song. You ALWAYS have a girlfriend, or are getting over a breakup.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Ellen Page
Maine Coon/Norwegian Forest Cat
You Are: Salt of the earth. Home Depot is your happy place. You can assemble anything in 15 minutes flat. A visual learner, books bore you almost as much as foreign film. You are an excellent skier and sunburn easily. You very much want to own a canoe. The classic strong and silent type, you express feelings through actions, not words. Makeup eludes you. If your style had a slogan, it would be “function over form.” You loathe shopping and trying new kinds of food. You’re so happy flannel and Birkenstocks are cool now; you’ve been wearing them since age seven.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Tig Notaro
You Are: “MATRIARCHY NOW” reads one of many bumper stickers on your Subaru. Feminism is favorite topic, followed closely by raising awareness and women’s soccer. You are not funny, and this bothers you. You take everything a little too seriously. You have a strict moral compass and loud-ass conscience. You are a terrible liar. Workshops, classes, and lectures endlessly amuse you; the more monotonous, the better. You mix patterns and clash color with such glee, no one has the heart to say, “You dress like a blind juggler.” Fandoms, comics, and anime are your shiz.
Celebrity Cat-Alike: Rachel Maddow
You Are: have the subtlety of Darth Vader. Did you know “Vader” is Dutch for Father? Ultra obvious, just like your feelings. You have an outstanding body and enviable bone structure. You describe yourself as “ADD” even if you don’t actually had ADD. Jack of all trades, master of none, your interests change with the tides. You lose yourself in relationships and are eagerly embrace any new fad. When single, you attempt to juggle as many girls as possible, with mixed results. You like eating with your hands and never wash the dishes. You fancy yourself an excellent dancer. At parties you snoop, eavesdrop and gossip.
Celebrity-Alike: Santana Lopez