The 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve

 

New Year’s Eve is not a night of glossy, sexy, EPIC shit shows. At midnight, you will not lock eyes with a beautiful stranger, shyly touch lips, and melt into a pool of sensual passion. Champagne will not flow like water, blunts won’t roll themselves, and bae won’t finally realize you exist. New Year’s Eve is a expectations falsely elevated, then dashed upon vomit strewn cement.

However, there’s no need to be a pessimist. One can forge ahead and find a jolly good time simply by acknowledging, and working around, NYE’s inherent flaws: rigid universal countdown, overcrowding, limited transportation, and desperate pressure to couple up by midnight lest the next YEAR be tainted by your inability to catch a mate for 30 second on one frigid, sweaty winter evening.

If you, like many of my older, wiser, and less bullshit-tolerant friends, are planning to tuck under the covers and into a good book: completely understandable. Frankly, I  feel the same way, but to great pleasure and surprise I seem to have acquired quite a number of fun and festive friends who insist on inviting me to incredible parties. While I wouldn’t (and rarely do) mind being alone, some small sliver of community-minded gaiety impels me to slap on something sheer and party with the crew, downsides be damned. If you want to take a shot at enjoying NYE at a bar, mind the 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve and make the most of annual insanity!

The 10 Commandments of New Year’s Eve

 

1. Stack the deck.

 

Roll with friends but invite a healthy smattering (two to four) of girls you wouldn’t mind kissing when the clock strikes midnight.

2. Pregame.

 

Or you’ll spend the whole night quietly fuming in line at the bar.

3. Cover is for suckers.

 

It’s not that I don’t like paying cover; it’s that I am physically repulsed by the prospect of paying cover.

4. Be careful who you kiss.

 

Tonight is not the night to settle for that basic bitch yearning for your embrace.

5. Hone in on a midnight buddy by 11:15.

 

Looking around at midnight to see no one meeting your eyes is immensely depressing.

6. Heels are for women who can wear heels.

 

If you do not and therefore cannot wear heels 364 nights of the year, you must not wear heels on the 365th night of the year.

7. Eat three square meals.

 

Drinking on an empty stomach is tempting because you feel light and skinny, but picture how ugly you’ll look blackout drunk and eat a bomb sandwich extra bacon.

8. Shots are the devil.

 

I love shots, you love shots, we all love shots—shortly before doing stupid shit. OK, ONE shot MAX at the pre-game right before you go out followed by a chaser glass of water and quick pee.

9. Pack a going out “stay cute” kit.

 

Concealer, gum, tinted chapstick/lipstick, mini eyeliner, oil blotting sheets, and mini-eyeshadow can fit in purse or pocket. Also charge your stupid phone.

10. Don’t let a hater ruin your fun.

 

Holidays tend to bring out the exes, crap friends, and obnoxious acquaintances we’d love to have deported. If you see one, mentally repeat, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” or, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Then smile at the good people in your life, do a little shimmy, and laugh in the face of dyke drama.

 

NYE is not a big deal. No pressure! BREATHE and just treat tonight like a regular evening at the bar with glitter. Forgive yourself for any indiscretions during any morning post drinking shame spiral (I call them ‘the shames’) and bounce into the New Year with your pounding skull held high.