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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (May 30, 2008)

BAD GIRLS, BAD GIRLS, WHATCHA GONNA DO … Whatcha gonna do when American television comes for you? The acclaimed British women’s prison drama Bad Girls is coming to the United States. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Alan Ball, the creator of Six Feet Under and the upcoming vampire series True Blood, is developing an American version of the long-running lesbian favorite for premium cable channel HBO. The adaptation is being written by Oscar-nominated screenwriter Nancy Oliver (Lars and the Real Girl) and Raelle Tucker (Supernatural). Both work on Ball’s other series, True Blood, and will executive produce along with Eileen Gallagher, the series’ original co-creator and head of its production company, Shed Productions.

The company had previously sold the American rights to Bad Girls to FX. But neither party was happy with the pilot script, which was deemed “really gritty and unpleasant.” Gallagher told the Guardian that the new HBO version would be “very glossy” and have more of the feel of the show’s first few seasons, when “it was a drama where we were highlighting issues of women in prisons.” At this point, I know you’re all hoping that it will feel like the show’s first few seasons in two very specific ways: Helen and Nikki. I fear the mere mention of actresses other than Simone Lahbib and Mandana Jones to portray the star-crossed lovebirds is apt to cause a minor riot among avid Bad Girls fans. But we have to gird ourselves for the inevitable, ladies. And while there is no official word yet on any lesbian story line, come on – it’s about a women’s prison. They go together like chocolate and peanut butter.

Now, I have a small confession: I haven’t watched Bad Girls. Hey, hey! Stop throwing things.

I know this makes me a very bad girl, or more precisely, a very bad gay girl. It’s not that I’m not interested, and it’s not that I haven’t been told by – oh, I don’t know – every lesbian on the planet that I am missing out. I just came to it late and haven’t found the time to catch up. Look, I watched the good stuff. (Thank you random people with copious free time for all those fan videos. That’s a fun way to spend an evening, I tell you.) Bad Girls aired for eight seasons on ITV, ending its run in 2006. The Guardian said HBO executives hope to have the American Bad Girls pilot completed by Thanksgiving.

Women in prison are a hot commodity on TV right now. Fox is currently developing a spin-off to Prison Break set in a female prison. Two shows about women in prison on American TV come fall? Man, if that doesn’t drastically increase number of the lesbian/bisexual women characters on prime-time television, then someone simply isn’t trying hard enough.

Logo (AfterEllen.com’s parent company, represent!) is currently airing the fourth season of Bad Girls. So I guess I really don’t have an excuse to not watch anymore. Plus, I’ve got to catch up before it comes stateside, so we can all collectively complain rejoice about how American TV has ruined improved the show.

BISEXUAL QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I had a gay kid say to me the other day, ‘Men and women on death row can marry people on the outside. They’re allowed to get married. And gays want the same rights as people on death row.’ I thought that was pretty good thinking … It’s just an interesting thing that gays don’t have the same rights as people on death row.” – Bisexual gossip columnist Liz Smith during a joint blog post with actress Candice Bergen and newswoman Lesley Stahl on their website, wowowow.com

by Dorothy Snarker

LESBIAN COMIC STANDING For the third season in a row, NBC’s Last Comic Standing (Thursdays, 8:30 p.m. ET) will showcase the comedy stylings of an out lesbian comedian – this season features stand-up veteran and actor Erin Foley.

If this trend keeps up, the humorless lesbian (stickus gluteus lesbicus) is going to end up on the endangered species list along with the polar bear – which makes sense, since both can only thrive in specific environments and are known to be very grumpy when provoked. Foley, Season 6’s sole gay comic, did a good job during her first round and made it to the semi-finals on last night’s show. If the judges on Last Comic Standing have any taste at all, we’ll be seeing more of Erin as the competition progresses. Foley would be following in the footsteps of former Last Comic Standing lesbians Michele Balan, the highest-placing female comic of Season 4, and Sabrina Matthews, who made it to last season’s semi-finals with great bits about the menu at Denny’s and what she hates about lesbian stereotypes – they all pertain to her. Foley has appeared on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend; Logo’s Outfest; in the feature film Almost Famous as Allison, the fact-checker; and in national commercials, including roles as a Philadelphia Cream Cheese angel and an AOL.com employee who exclaims, “I smell cake.”

I smell funny. Wait, that didn’t come out right. I’m waiting for the day when we win LCS. It’s all you, Foley, but no pressure or anything.

by Dara Nai

HOT BEACH READING ALERT AfterEllen.com columnist Linda Villarosa, former New York Times journalist and two-time executive editor of Essence magazine, has just published her first novel, Passing for Black, which comes out from Dafina Books (Kensington Publishing) this week. According to the publisher’s press release:

In PASSING FOR BLACK, Villarosa introduces readers to Angela Wright. In the six years that Angela has been with her fiancĂ© Keith Redfield, her life has settled neatly into place. Keith, a professor of African-American history, has helped her become comfortable in her own skin. And Angela’s career at a popular magazine is thriving.

Then a chance meeting leaves Angela consumed with desire for an intriguing stranger that leads her from outrageous underground sex parties to intimate encounters that are both torrid and tender. Now everything Angela has come to believe about sex, love, identity, and race is called into question.

Look for Linda on an episode of Brunch With Bridget in the near future, where I’m sure Bridget will grill her about all those “outrageous underground sex parties.” And if you’re in Los Angeles this weekend, you can catch Linda reading at the Leimert Park Village Book Fair, an African-American street festival, on Saturday, May 31 from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at Table 31, at 43rd and Degnan Blvd. Meanwhile, you can (you can buy it online here).

Congratulations, Linda, on your book!

THE MEDIA’S FASCINATION WITH “LESBIAN LOVERS” CONTINUES More news has surfaced about Jodie Foster‘s alleged split from her longtime partner, Cydney Bernard. According to unnamed sources in Britain’s Daily Mail, Foster ended her relationship with Bernard because she fell for writer-producer Cynthia Mort, who penned the script for The Brave One. The two reportedly met while working together on that film, and Mort has also apparently left her own girlfriend, actor and director Melanie Mayron (Itty Bitty Titty Committee).

Here’s a selection of headlines that have accompanied this new gossip, with varying degrees of salaciousness:

So why HAS Jodie Foster left her lesbian lover of 15 years? (Daily Mail) Report: Jodie Foster Leaves Longtime Girlfriend Cydney Bernard for Screenwriter (FoxNews.com) Jodie Foster’s new love Cynthia Mort shocks Tinsel Town (Melbourne Herald Sun) Jodie ‘cheated’ on dumped lesbian lover (news.com.au)
And winning the award for most ridiculous:
Jodie Foster’s Young Lover Into “Explicit Sex Scenes” (Gawker.com)
That’s because by “young,” they mean 33 years old (although IMDb.com inexplicably says that Mort is 51). Regardless of her actual age, Mort doesn’t exactly look under-age: And by “explicit sex scenes,” they mean that Mort wrote and executive produced the HBO drama Tell Me You Love Me, which caused a splash last year because it featured love scenes that included, well, visible prosthetic devices that resembled body parts I (as a lesbian) don’t really want to look at, ever.

But when I watched – OK, fast-forwarded – through Tell Me You Love Me last year, I didn’t find any of the scenes particularly titillating. In fact, even though all the scenes involved straight couples, I was struck by how oddly lesbian the story lines were, including one about a couple trying to get pregnant and one about lesbian bed death a couple who no longer have sex.

I guess my gaydar was right on.

– by Malinda Lo

SHE DOESN’T NEED A DATE AND SHE’S NOT GOING TO REHAB, BUT NONETHELESS, CHO GETS A SHOW Margaret Cho‘s first experience with television didn’t go so well – ABC prodded the comedian to lose a lot of weight for All-American Girl and eventually canceled the sitcom altogether. Thirteen years later, she’s been given a second chance on a network where she might feel a little more at home.

VH1 has announced that The Cho Show will debut this summer on Aug. 21. The “reality-sitcom” will follow Cho and and “her eccentric entourage as she fights to be herself in an industry that in the past wanted her to be something other than herself.” This of course includes her traditional Korean parents, who have been fodder for much of Cho’s stand-up routines. Although the Notorious Cho has always been very open about her bisexuality, it’s not likely to be the talk of The Cho Show, if it’s talked about at all. But she will most likely do some belly-dancing and baring of her tattooed torso, so that combined with her brilliant wit should be reason enough to tune in come August.

YOU KNOW US AMERICANS, WE LOVE TO FRENCH

French AE reader MĂ©lanie J has alerted us to 17-year-olds Katia and Manu, who found love with one another on the French soap Cinq Soeurs (Five Sisters). Unfortunately (and yet somehow predictably), they are separated when Katia conveniently has to move to London. But much like the Save Spashley fans we have here in the States, dedicated fans of Kanu or Matia (I’m just making these up) have created a petition to get Katia (Esther Comar) back on the show. From the clips I’ve seen, the two enjoy photography and kissing one another. I’ll gladly sign the petition – and sign up for French lessons. Also, the film Le Nouveau Monde (The New World) premiered recently on French network TV. The movie is about a lesbian couple trying to get pregnant, with comical results. (At least this time it’s supposed to be funny and not tragic with lawyers becoming involved.) The film made its U.S. premiere at the Miami Gay & Lesbian Film Festival last month, and will be showing at several others over the summer and fall. Luckily, it will have English subtitles so we can understand when Lucie and Marion are saying things like “sperm donor” and “morning sickness.”

by Trish Bendix

HOORAY FOR DOLLYWOOD You’ve probably figured out by now that we have a general “No Lindsay, Paris or Britney” rule around here when it comes to covering any of the endless rumors circulating about them. But when even regular news publications (i.e., mainstream news outlets, not just the National Enquirer) are covering a “lesbian” story about one of them, we have to make exceptions – just so you don’t think we’re slacking off. (Which means what you are about to read is not evidence of the success of my “Convince Sarah Warn to Lower Her Standards” campaign, just us trying to keep you informed of what everyone else is talking about.)

In case you haven’t heard, actress Lindsay Lohan is rumored to once again be dating DJ Samantha Ronson. So why is this rumor making the rounds as “news”? Photographic evidence of Lohan and Ronson getting physical at a Cannes Film Festival party probably has a something to do with it. The two were photographed kissing atop P. Diddy‘s party yacht, then reportedly left the party together holding hands. And that infamous hickey photo probably hasn’t helped matters either. When Us magazine asked Lohan’s father, Michael Lohan, about their alleged romance, he responded that it “is evident to anyone with half a brain. … Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn’t want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false.”

Her father later denied that he was referencing Lindsay’s relationship with Ronson in the interview, and that his words were “twisted and misrepresented.” However, he did add that Lindsay “is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God.”

Clearly he was referring to the little gold mini-dress she wore to the Cannes yacht party. I mean, really, what was she thinking?

Conversely, Lohan’s mother, Dina Lohan (aka the self-proclaimed “White Oprah”) reportedly gave Ronson a big thumbs up. The Daily Mail quotes her as saying: “Samantha’s a sweetheart. She’s great – and she’s the best spinner around.” (Awkward. That horrible needle scratch sound you just heard was Ronson packing up her turntables forever.)

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any gayer, numerous tabloids are reporting that Lohan and Ronson are actually engaged – as evidenced by them wearing these rings bearing each other’s initials … … and they’re planning to get married in Dollywood this July.

OK, now they have my attention. Those bitches stole my dream wedding!

Is any of this stuff true? Who knows? And some of you may be thinking, “Who cares?” But if we do find ourselves reporting on a Ronson-Lohan wedding in BLWE this July – or even just telling you that the couple publicly confirmed their relationship – then Lohan will join the ranks of the too-small number of out actresses in Hollywood.

And if that’s what it takes to get Herbie the Lovebug leading a Gay Pride parade this summer, then I’m all for it. Saturday morning update: when asked yesterday about Lindsay and Sam’s rumored relationship, Lindsay’s mom told OK Magazine, “If she’s happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

by Karman Kregloe

KEEPING US DOWN ON THE RANCH As Malinda mentioned in last week’s BLWE, Ellen DeGeneres recently invited Republican presidential candidate John McCain on her show and tried to engage him in a debate about gay marriage. It ended with a bit of a thud when McCain lamely referred to his anti-gay marriage position and Ellen’s pro-gay marriage stance as a form of “respectful disagreement.” DeGeneres kept her cool and her wits about her and even invited McCain to walk her down the aisle when she weds partner Portia de Rossi.

Clearly having not had her fill of Republican hijinks, this week DeGeneres invited First Lady Laura Bush and her daughter, newlywed Jenna Hager, to her talk show to promote their new children’s book, Read All About It! Inexplicably entering to the strains of “Lady Marmalade” (“Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soir”? Really? Is the Bush family pro-prostitution but anti-gay marriage?), Bush and Hager greeted DeGeneres and sat down on her sofa. Daughter Jenna urged her reluctant mother to scoot closer to herself and DeGeneres, where she could better watch the two of them banter playfully about Jenna’s recent wedding.

Meanwhile, the stick-stiff Bush appeared to be doing her best “Church Lady” impersonation, even calling her family “crybabies” for getting choked up at daughter Jenna’s wedding.

When DeGeneres presented Hager with her wedding gift, a monogrammed set of his ‘n’ hers Ellen DeGeneres Show boy briefs, the First Lady appeared visibly squeamish. Cross-dressing in the White House? Not on her watch! Hager spoke warmly of the Bush family ranch as an ideal wedding location, inspiring DeGeneres to ask, “So can we borrow it for our wedding?” Hager replied with a smile, “Sure. Sure you can,” while Laura Bush said nothing.

How is it that Jenna was so pleasant and friendly with DeGeneres, while her mother looked ready to blow her lesbian rape whistle at any moment? Perhaps Jenna, unlike her mother, has made out with a few girls at frat parties and nightclubs? (Paging Samantha Ronson!)

Oh, and that book they were promoting? According to Laura Bush, it’s about “a little boy who can do everything and rules the school, but doesn’t like to read.” She and Jenna claim the character is based on children they’ve both taught. No word on whether said “children” are actually blood relatives. Or the 43rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush.

Before bidding them both adieu, DeGeneres mentioned McCain’s visit to her show last week and asked, “Is it safe to say that you’ll both be voting for McCain?” Jenna said she’s not going to say on “public television,” adding, “As my dad says, that’s why there’s a curtain around the booth.”

Of course, her dad also once said, “If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator,” so …

by Karman Kregloe

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Attention opera fans: The June 2008 episode of In the Life features a segment on out lesbian opera director Francesca Zambello. Go to www.inthelifetv.org to find out when it’s airing in your neck of the woods, or watch it online starting June 1.

The Oscar-winning short documentary Freeheld will debut on Cinemax on June 4.

Catch a young, pink-haired Leisha Hailey in All Over Me on IFC on June 4

Out filmmaker Pratibha Parmar (Nina’s Heavenly Delights) will attend a retrospective screening and panel discussion on “Representations of Queer API Women in the Media,” moderated by activist Helen Zia, at the Queer Women of Color Film Festival in San Francisco on June 14.

Trailerville, a play about a group of people (including a Southern lesbian) living in a trailer park who are also exploring their spirituality and sexuality, opens in Los Angeles on June 13 at Moving Arts (1822 Hyperion Ave., 323-572-5044).

Attention L.A. AfterEllen.com readers! We are planning a last-minute, informal meet-and-greet with the L.A.-based vloggers after the Pride Parade next weekend. We’ll provide you with more details (like time and location) next week.

There won’t be a new She Made Me Watch This! episode on Monday (Sarah’s unavailable to do any video editing this week – you’ll see why below), and there won’t be a new What’s YOUR Problem episode today, either. But after suffering from technical difficulties and conflicting travel schedules, Come With Me if You Want to Live will finally be back next week, and today we premiered a new weekly View-type show called Cherry Bomb that you should definitely check out! On Monday, we’ll publish the second annual AfterEllen.com Hot 100 (see last year’s list here)! In addition to the list itself, we’ve got a surprise for you: Sarah’s been squirreled away for the last week editing a video countdown of all 100 women – hosted by almost all of the AfterEllen.com vloggers, plus a few other related lesbian and bi women and two or three “honorary lesbians.” The countdown will be broken into four videos counting down 25 Hot List winners each (beginning with No. 100 to No. 76 on Monday), and one video will be posted daily through Thursday. You won’t want to miss these!

Another reason to look forward to Monday? The guest on Liz Feldman’s show will be her biggest yet! Here are some clues to her identity: (1) She made our Hot 100 list for the first time this year; (2) she’s never played a lesbian role (that we’re aware of); and (3) she currently plays one of Sarah and Lori’s favorite leading female characters on one of TV’s top-rated shows (not Grey’s Anatomy). Leave your guesses in the comments, and look for the new episode Monday afternoon (or Tuesday morning, if there are unforeseen technical difficulties).

But first, there’s a new, very funny Brunch With Bridget episode on Sunday. Enjoy your weekend!

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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