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“A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila” Recaps: Episode 1.7 “A Second Chance?”

Keys to the kingdom – As promised at the end of the show last week, we pick up where we left off, in full-tilt lesbian drama mode. The show opens with a lingering shot of the giant silver stand that holds the keys turned over on the floor, collateral damage from the Brandi/Vanessa catfight that ensued when Vanessa was eliminated last week.

Brandi stands before Tila, gasping for breath through her tears, trying to explain her bonehead decision to quit the show even though Tila’s just given her one of the treasured you-still-have-a-shot-at-love keys. As Vanessa screams and rants from the foyer downstairs like little Regan MacNeil, Brandi tells Tila goodbye.

Brandi: I’m sorry, Tila. I can’t –

Tila: You’re gonna make me go through all this bulls— to make me regret what I just chose so that you can go f—ing walk out? You’re gonna let me go through all that and then walk out and let me think that I just chose the wrong person?

Brandi is crouched in the floor, rolled up like a pillbug as Tila cries and shrieks at her.

Um, I get that the fight was traumatic for everyone to witness, Tila, but Brandi’s the one who had her hair pulled and her face scratched, not you. I fear that all of this hitting and screaming has sent Brandi tumbling into a shame spiral.

When Brandi finally snaps back into present time, she exits the crib, mumbling: “I’m leaving. I’m done. I’m out!” over her shoulder as others (i.e., Dani) try to convince her to stay. Tila retreats to her boudoir for some quiet contemplation. And probably some tequila.

When she finally returns, she tells them she’s sorry that they had to see the fight and that she sees something “really special” in each one of them. She asks them to put it all behind them and move on. Yes, let’s pretend this never happened and have drinks! Wow, it’s just like a real family!

They all plaster pained, forced smiles on their faces as they go in for a group hug.

Double, double, toil and trouble -The next morning, the gang is upstairs in the big bed processing the fight and its consequences. Amanda is all smiles because Brandi was her “biggest competition” and now she’s gone. Which makes me think that her gigantic false eyelashes must have been drooping down and obscuring her vision all those times Dani and Tila have made out. Seriously, have you ever seen Tila kiss Brandi like that?

The kids have a new message from Tila, which reads: “I like someone who can lay it on thick and take it off quick. Meet me in your bathing suits in the backyard.” And they do, where they find Tila sitting in her giant lifeguard chair, looking pensive and regal. Cut to a huge inflatable pool filled with brown liquid. It looks like the world’s largest chocolate molten lava cake!

The contestants line up in front of red buckets bearing their names. Domenico steps gingerly onto the hot concrete … in what looks like his jockstrap. Dani marches behind him, carrying his imaginary cape. Tila gasps, “Oh my God!” (and not in a good way) when she sees his makeshift diaper bikini, but he tells us: “What? I got a little nice ass. Why should I hide my ass? I want her to see all the package, not just this [gestures to his face], but even when I can offer her down there [gestures to down there].”

That means that today, Domenico is offering Tila his capacity for delusions of grandeur.

Tila tells them that they must jump into the pool of chocolate, cover themselves in it, then get out of the pool and wring the chocolate out of their hair and clothes and into the buckets. Whoever gets the most chocolate into their bucket in 5 minutes wins some private Tila time. The four losers will share two separate dates with Tila. Whoever doesn’t get eliminated tonight will have the pleasure of introducing Tila to their family!

Amanda’s strategy is to use her big head of hair and giant bikini top as chocolate delivery devices (she didn’t mention the eyelashes), and Ryan complains that those assets will give her an advantage over him. I’m thinking that Domenico’s double-absorbency Huggie will give him the edge. After all, it was created for just such an occasion!

As the final five run back and forth from the pool to their buckets, Tila admits, “Somehow, I’m, like, getting strangely aroused by watching them slip and slide around in that dirty chocolate.” I love Tila for saying this, and I’m wondering why she isn’t evaluating them for any sign of a pervert factor. She needs a freak like herself!

One by one they weigh their buckets, and when the dust clears and the pudding settles, we find that while Amanda was able to wring 60 pounds of chocolate out of her ample cleavage and weave, Bobby has defeated her by delivering 63 pounds of goo.

In celebration, Tila decides to be “spontaneous” and jump into the chocolate with them. She acts like she’s coming down from on high to hang with the common people, but we all know that she’s really just getting her kinky on.

Raw like sushi – After they clean up, Domenico has a heart-to-heart with Bobby and Ryan. He doesn’t understand why he loses all of the challenges (though he is always quick on the draw with an excuse). They encourage him and tell him how great he is “on the inside,” but ultimately, Domenico concludes, “I lose because I’m weak.” Why can’t my therapy sessions be this simple?

The kids gather in the kitchen to gossip and bond, and Tila finally appears – all cleaned up and ready for her date with Bobby. She leads him down to a room all decked out in candles and velvet, and they sit down before a tantalizing spread of sushi.

Bobby blanches at the sight of the raw goods, then fumbles with the chopsticks. Tila playfully reprimands him for being so unworldly, then teaches him how to use them.

Who is this guy who’s never had sushi and, by Tila’s estimation, “doesn’t know a lot of things”? She is intrigued! She wants to know what his family will think if he brings home a bisexual pinup, but he assures her that if he’s happy, they won’t care about any of that stuff. They will love her!

I’m guessing that Bobby is going to downplay the bisexual stuff and emphasize the Maxim angle, which would piss Tila off (and probably make his dad really happy). And if for no other reason than that, I want to see what happens when he takes her home.

They talk for awhile, then he climbs all over her and they make out on the sofa. His face is beet red.

Afterward, Tila collects Ryan and Dani for their double-decker date. This seems like a bad pairing to me. They are both kinda macho, and I fear things could get heated. I don’t want Dani to have to kick Ryan’s ass.

Ryan and Dani tell Tila about their respective families. Ryan’s parents are still married, and he clearly worships his dad. Dani is an only child raised by a single mom, and she predicts that her work “family” at the firehouse is going to be mighty impressed (I think she uses the words “pimp champ”) if she waltzes Tila in to meet them.

Tila’s eyes sparkle at the prospect of being trotted out like a show pony before a bunch of brawny firemen, and I think she is mentally packing her bags for Deerfield, Fla.

As I expected, Ryan gets all twisted up when he sees Tila making out with Dani, and Dani gets pissy when she sees Ryan pawing at Tila. Dani makes a good speech about Ryan “manhandling” Tila. She tells him that he’s really aggressive, and the vein throbs in his forehead as he leaps up and yells excitedly, “Yeah, I’m aggressive! That’s how I am! I’m aggressive!”

Dani gives him a verbal pat on the head and tells him to calm down while she has a thoughtful discussion about Tila and how her bisexuality probably gives her conflicting desires. Ryan looks lost. I think he wants to flex something and bring Tila’s focus back to him.

Dani: See, for me, this is a difference between a man and a woman, and this is what I think you struggle with sometimes because you’re bisexual. For him, it’s all about what a man would do. He just wants your body. I don’t know if he thinks any more about you than that. But for me, I would want to talk to you until we couldn’t look at each other anymore without tearing each other apart.

Ryan widens his eyes in horror at that prospect. And yet, somehow I’m strangely aroused!

Tila says her goodbyes and moves on to her next date. She finds Amanda and Domenico waiting for her, posing in their bikinis. Domenico is propped up with his legs spread and rose petals strewn across his chest. Amanda sits stiffly, poking her chest out. The whole scenario looks like a centerfold from some special collector’s edition of Juggs and Nutts magazine.

Domenico is looking at their double date as a potential threesome, which makes me think that he is less weak than he is stupid.

The three of them climb into the hot tub and sip champagne as they discuss the prospect of Tila meeting their families. Amanda tells Tila that her mother would love her and that her dad would think that she’s awesome.

And you, Domenico? He tells Tila that his family would be happy because he’s never brought anybody home before (“Alé! He’s not gay after all!”), but they are traditional Italian. Tila wants to know if they would understand her being bisexual.

Domenico: [grimacing] Well, that is a little problem that I will have to figure out. I would say: “You know, I really like this girl. She’s really sweet and lovable. And she’s got so much love to share in this world that she’s open to give love to guys and girls. So you have to be happy and don’t say anything about it and that’s it!”

Dang, and that trip to Italy was sounding so good to our bachelorette.

Later, Amanda and Tila make out. It’s the first time they’ve really kissed, and Domenico asks if he can join in. Amanda doesn’t even detach herself from Tila’s face – she just pops him in the snout with her free hand.

He bobs around aimlessly, staring at them at first, then grabbing a glass of champagne and announcing weakly, “Cheers!” Then, “Cheers.” Then, pathetically, “Cheers?”

Baby come back – The next morning, everyone is gathered in the kitchen planning their day of chilling by the pool. Cut to Brandi climbing back up the driveway. She tells us in her husky voice (which I’ve missed): “I came back to the house today because I made a mistake. I walked out on a beautiful person.”

She rings the doorbell, and the kitchen conversation screeches to a halt. Domenico says, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was Brandi?” Amanda’s eyes bug out of her head as if to say, “Yeah, a laugh riot!”

Dani dutifully heads down the stairs to answer the door, and when she sees that it’s Brandi, she embraces her with genuine glee. Hmm. I could see these two hooking up.

When Dani announces Brandi’s return, Tila looks upset. Not like she’s pissed, but more like she’s flustered. Tila really liked Brandi, as evidenced by their spat when Brandi left the show. If you care about someone enough to scream at her after she’s just been assaulted, then you know you’ve got something special.

Domenico says, “Uh oh, one of the girls is going home tonight!” But do we really trust the judgment of a guy who wore a jock strap to a challenge?

Tila heads downstairs and steps outside to talk to Brandi. Brandi starts the waterworks again, apologizes for walking out, and tells her how much she loves her and misses her. Brandi says that everyone deserves a second chance.

Tila nods, but then reminds her that Bobby got the crap beaten out of him by Ashley, and he didn’t quit the show. In fact, he treated the ambulance ride like a one-on-one date with Tila!

Tila: I had some plans for us in the future, and you didn’t give me that chance to show you that. And I was really hurt.

Upstairs in the kitchen, the heavy-duty fretting has begun. Amanda thinks that if Tila lets Brandi come back to the crib, it means she really likes her. Ryan and Bobby think that they should all be worried by Tila’s interest in Brandi.

Dani, however, is glad that Brandi is back. She says that if the show is really about love, and if Tila loves Brandi, then Brandi and Tila should be together even if it sucks for the rest of the contestants. This pisses Bobby off. He thinks Dani should just bow out if she thinks Brandi is so great.

As in any good lesbian relationship, Tila and Brandi’s makeup session turns into therapy. Tila wants Brandi to become more confident and believe that she deserves love. Tila clutches lovingly at Brandi’s tramp stamp as they gaze into one another’s eyes. Cue Alicia Keys’ “Fallin’.” They hug and kiss, but don’t make out.

Tila tells us: “In my mind, I knew that I would continue to keep giving her a key over and over until she’s the last standing. But we’ll never know now.” She won’t subject the other contestants to her drama with Brandi, “just to pick a girl who’s going to run out on me anyway.”

Brandi understands, but says she’ll never forgive herself for making this mistake.

OK, let’s discuss:

Brandi, who grew up in foster care and had already alluded to an abusive childhood, was physically assaulted on national television by a crazy bitch. She then removed herself from the scene of the crime. After the dust settled, she returned to the scene of the crime and was willing to put herself back in the game. Is this “running out” on Tila?

Maybe Tila and her peeps could have done some psychological profiling to screen out the violent crazies in favor some garden-variety freaks? Maybe if Tila really cared about her she would do this math and cut Brandi a friggin’ break?

I have come to find Tila adorable, but I think Brandi could do better. And that she should get some therapy.

Tila returns to the kitchen and tells the gang that she decided not to let Brandi come back. Amanda, Ryan and Bobby blow out a candle in a house across the street with their collective sigh of relief.

Love the one you’re with – Tila takes the kids for a dip in the pool, where they can drink up and gossip. Amanda thinks that she is the “only woman in the house for Tila,” and Bobby and Ryan whisper about who might get eliminated.

Meanwhile, Dani and Domenico curl up together and express their affection for one another. Dani tells him that she would like to take him home to meet her family, then she gives his tiny little thigh a pat. It’s close, but I don’t think it counts as getting to first base.

A house is not a home – At eliminations that night, Tila is a bit of a wreck. She tells the contestants that she’s become attached to all of them, and letting even one of them go now is going to hurt her. But she must, and so she does.

Amanda gets the first key (huh?), and Dani gets the second. The three guys are called to the front of the room, and the look of shock on Bobby’s face is a nice little quicker picker-upper for me. He is the only one of these guys who doesn’t appear to take women seriously as his competition, and that pisses me off. Sadly, he is the first of them to get a key, followed by Ryan.

This means that Dani’s little buddy is going home. Domenico makes a nice speech and hugs and kisses everyone on his way out, punching no one in the face as he goes. Arrivederci, Domenico.

Next week on A Shot at Love: Tila gives Dani’s grandma a lap dance. The boys’ parents are less enthusiastic about her bisexuality.

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