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15 Girls Who Can’t Get It

After a strange summer of hibernation and ambiguous relationships, I’ve cracked out of the comfort zone cocoon to take a whack at dating, yet again. Like any modern woman, the world wide web is my go-to spot for tracking down hard-to-find desires such as mermaid artwork and hot lesbians with a sense of humor. Inspiration to share the #struggle struck when an AE reader gushed, “I wish I could sign you up for every dating site!” If you’ve ever waded into the tepid waters of online dating, you know what a churning cesspit of “Thanks. but no thanks” it is. Here’s a brief breakdown of the 15 Girls Who Can’t Get It… so far.

Let’s all sing it together:

The girl with a boyfriend.

The girl who wants to go hiking on the first date.

The girl who posts baby pictures. GIRL, whose kid is that? Is that your kid? Your niece?

The girl who loves dogs but acts like cats are weird spinster accoutrements. Your dog is just as annoying, and far more needy.

The girl whose prof picture is a bathroom selfie. (I CAN SEE THE SPOT WHERE YOU RECENTLY DEFECATED.)

The girl who asks to meet an eon away. Downtown LA is not like living in New York. It’s like living by Skid Row. I wear itty bitty shorts-consider the walk.

The girl who calls herself a “writer” or “director” but has never completed a piece. Actually, no, you just occasionally read and watch movies, like so many of us.

The girl with a boyfriend who aggressively pursues lesbians, only admitting she has a boyfriend when you’ve already developed a rapport, and then moving into “Come play ;)” mode. Get ever loving fuck over your irreconcilably basic self. I would rather play with rusty nails. Or small children.

The girl who doesn’t “get” Monty Python. (You don’t get a lot, do you honey?)

The girl who is in love with herself. You say things like “I got much love for the fans” and really think I should write about you for AfterEllen? Pass. All thirst and no work.

The girl who details “what went wrong with her ex” during dates one through three. Too soon. If you’re talking about your ex now, you have to much to say about your ex. Develop other interests.

The girl with a bio commanding “LIVE LAUGH LOVE.” NO I WANT TO DIE SCOWL AND LOATHE.

The girl who has profound experiences at EDM Festivals. Sharing a port-a-potty on acid in between $8 Bud Lights should not be your window into the astral plane.

The girl who aspires to be a club promoter and/or get on reality television. We have nothing to talk about, but thanks for the invite! I’ll probably get lonely and go to your next event in search of someone better.

The girl who can’t properly text. You take eight hours to come up with “yeah 😉 lol so how r u” and expect me to maintain any level of interest?

Bonus: The girl who sent me this message on Tindr last night.

Hit Chloe up on Twitter and Tumblr.

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