Dear Anna, Hey, congrats on your big girl job! I have been reading your advice for such a long time, I knew I could turn to you in my time of need.
I have been out of a two year relationship for about four months now. I am finally hitting my stride again and feeling like myself, which is great. I recently got together with some acquaintances for trivia night, and I found myself having splendid conversation and an instant connection to one of the girls, whom I already knew was gay. (We shall call her Dana Fairbanks.) We hung out and I found out she is already in a relationship, with Tonya, which is OK-I can maintain a friendship with someone I am super attracted to, that’s why it’s called the lesbian bench (if don’t know what I am talking about, watch Pillow Talk on The Gay Women’s Channel on YouTube).
My issue is that after a month of hanging out and becoming very close with Dana, I have learned that she finds me attractive. I’m not one to cheat-I am like Alice (flirty all the time to everyone, all over very nice person), but I found out that Dana has cheated to end her relationships… but then she doesn’t date the person she was cheating with, so I have stopped my advances.
She is the Dana to my Alice, in every way (she even plays a pro sport, and I am a bisexual that is hilarious and everyone loves). I’m not sure what I should do with my Dana. I am strong-willed and am sure I won’t do anything, but then she is in front of me and I have to consciously tell myself to stop looking into her beautiful brown eyes. What should I do with this really strong connection? I know I can’t just let it go, but how long can we do the dance till I give in and knock on her door and tell her not to marry Tonya (she is not getting married, just staying with The L Word theme here). Do I just back off, or do we stop seeing each other at all? We’re never really alone together, but we haven’t “taken the power out of it” just yet. Please and Thank you in advance.-Alice from Florida Anna says: Dear Alice, If you’re as strong-willed as you say you are, I don’t think you need to stop seeing this gal, especially if you’re rarely alone and/or drunk together. My concern for you lies more in the “she cheats to end relationships” part of your letter. That is a pattern that both baffles and alarms me (and should concern you, as well). I guess how much it should concern you involves how many times she’s done it-but basically more than once should raise a red flag. Also strange is that the person she cheats with seems to be merely a catalyst, a means to an end, and that is basically the role you’re occupying now. And then she moves on to the next Tonya (if you’d like to stay on theme).
This isn’t to doubt your connection, of course. I’m sure it’s as magical and intense as you say, but, well, I’m just gonna throw it out there that maybe she’s flirting with you and expressing her attraction because that’s what she does when she’s unhappy in a relationship. It’s difficult to say whether she’s got a big case of The Feels for you or if she’s just falling back on old habits.
The bold way to find out is to tell her how you feel, frankly and honestly. Be like, “Dana, I’d love to handcuff myself to you and eat whipped cream off your taut, muscle-y body, but not until you’re single.” If she reciprocates your feelings, then tell her to call you when she breaks up with Tonya. And then, unless you’re reeeeally good at benchwarming, take a big step back from this budding courtship, because once it’s all out there, it’s gonna make it that much harder NOT to act on it.
Long story short: If she leaves her girlfriend, great! That means she likes you more than just a relationship-ender. If she doesn’t, you’re still great and you can now focus your attentions on finding someone unattached to play tennis with (Lara, perhaps?).
Dear Anna, I’m in a really problematic situation. I’m gay but I haven’t told anyone yet. This would be no problem if there wasn’t Marcus, the son of a family friend. I just met him and he’s very nice and I like him, but he is very flirty. When we hung out, he was stroking my leg the whole time because “the material of my skirt was so soft” and if something is soft, he has to touch it. And he sat very close to me so our legs were touching. I felt very uncomfortable, but didn’t say anything.
My birthday is in a couple of days and I invited him but now I’m scared that this flirting will continue. I like him as a friend and my BFF told me that maybe it would become more than just friendship but it definitely WON’T. I don’t know what to do now because if I come out to him I think he will tell my parents and I don’t want them to know ’cause I have no idea how they would react.
Please help me because I don’t know what to do and his flirting is really irritating and unpleasant.-A Desperate Lesbian
Anna says: Dear Desperate, That Marcus sure sounds like Creepstown, USA! Please tell him to stop touching you, no matter how “soft your skirt is.” Ugh. That isn’t even a plausible argument (unless you were wearing the coat of a baby lamb). You don’t have to come out to your parents to get rid of this guy. Just tell him you only see him as a friend. You don’t need to give him any further information than that, but if he keeps prying, then say “I’m not attracted to you.” I’ve found that usually shuts ’em up.
And my dearest girl, I want you to know that you don’t have to tolerate any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable! I know it’s hard to speak up (when I was your age, I let a lot of stupid people break my boundaries because I was too shy to say anything), but it’s honestly a good habit to get started on early. Move your leg away from his. Tell him his flirtatiousness makes you squicky and to please knock it off. He might be butt-hurt and defensive about it, but he’ll get the message and hopefully knock it off.
Good luck, Sugar Shoes. Keep practicing saying, “no.” You’re the owner of your life, and only you get to decide who touches your mf-ing skirt.
When I was a kid, my mom forced me through two rounds of conversion therapy. For years, I hated my homosexuality, but now I am accepting myself. After purposely postponing dating to work myself, I feel I am in a good place and ready to date.
However, whenever I have tried to date, it hasn’t gone well. For instance, a woman and I clicked and she made a move on the second date. It was clear she wanted to have sex that night. I was elated but also nervous and honestly a little scared. I told her that I wanted to take it slow and she asked why. I explained that this was my first contact with a woman in 18 years. She asked me why so long. I told her, without going into the details, that my mom had me go through conversion therapy. I also noted my progress on self-acceptance and that I wanted to be with her. I just wasn’t ready to jump into bed yet. She had this deer in the headlights look and told me “good night.” The next time I saw her she tried to pressure me into sex to “just pull off the band-aid already.” I told her no because I knew I wasn’t ready and she ended the relationship. Other women (or even other members of the LGBTQ community) seem to shun me because of my history. I realize it can be overwhelming, especially for a potential girlfriend, but I don’t think it is OK for me to have sex without being ready either. The response of the community makes me isolated and ashamed. In a way, I feel like I’m being punished again for my mom’s homophobia. I try to remind myself that it is probably something different for them and they don’t know how to respond. New/different things can (sometimes understandably) freak people out.
I’m concerned that if I’m not honest about my past, I might emotionally hurt a potential girlfriend by dropping an unexpected bombshell, which I don’t want to do. It is important for me to be fair and treat her well. However, I feel if I am honest about my nervousness about my first time post-conversion therapy, I won’t ever get to have a girlfriend either. Do you have any advice on how I can approach this better?
Anna says: I don’t, actually. Because you’re doing everything right. You know who you are and what you want and you articulated it thoughtfully and when some douchebucket tried to barrel her way through your boundary, you stood your ground and told her what was what. I applaud you. You’re a goddamn hero, my friend. And I’m sorry you’ve felt isolated and shunned by the queer community (we’re not all kumbaya and into “coexisting,” even though our bumper stickers might proclaim otherwise), but you have every right to keep doin’ what you’re doin’. You will find a hot, game lady who will be willing to take it slow and respect your wishes. She’s definitely out there. You just haven’t met her yet. In the meantime, try not to let this one bad experience stifle you. Dating ladeez is awesome, but in doing so, there is a 100 percent chance you’ll encounter some jerkmuffins, some crazies, and an overwhelming amount that you feel just plain “meh” about.
But your past is no cause for shame or hiding. It’s a part of who you are but it doesn’t define you. If you share with a new partner about your past and she freaks out about it, that’s on her, not you. (Also, she’s not the girl for you). It’s perfectly OK to be nervous and want to take it slow-that is not going to inhibit you from finding a girlfriend. Shoot, it’s kind of nice not to jump in the sack immediately. It builds anticipation, wanting, and lets you both get to know each other’s bodies a little better before going full monty.
So please, keep dating, and keep putting yourself out there. Sooner or later (my guess is sooner), you’ll meet someone who has a little more patience and a lot more tact than that last chick. Good riddance!
Dear Anna, My best friend of 23 years is in another toxic relationship. Ever since we were kids she’s been in long-term toxic relationships with straight women. In high school she chose not to go to college with me but instead move to California with her new girlfriend (of two months) and her child (the girlfriend had just broken off her engagement with her fiancé/baby daddy a month prior to them dating). I was really distraught that she made that decision a week before we were to leave. I remember yelling at her until I was blue in the face that we had planned this for three years and that she already signed up for her classes and that this girl is using her to get over her fiancé. She told me that this is what her heart wants to do and then I felt bad because I was being selfish and sad cause my best friend and I were moving apart.
We have always been supportive of each other since day one. We call ourselves “non-biological sisters.” We have been there for each other for the highs and for what seemed to feel like bottomless lows. When I was away in my first year of college, she and her girlfriend broke up. The girlfriend was cheating on her with a guy who she ended up marrying a year later.
Throughout our mid-twenties she continued to date recently divorced women with children that would leave her for their next boyfriend/husband. She would get in these relationship and stay for months if not years at a time. I know that in a way I am an enabler due to the fact that I always try to see the good in her relationships even though I know that these women she continues to date are just temporary until the next man comes into their lives. When she called me with problems, I would help her work them out even though in my head I’m screaming, Get out of this relationship and try dating a TRUE bi or lesbian woman. Hell, just date someone that hasn’t recently ended a divorce or relationship for a change. So now we are 34 and she has been secretly dating an older married woman who has kids the same age as us AND is her boss.
If I’m spending the weekend with my friend (we do gaming every other weekend, we’re nerds) then they don’t hang out unless we have to go over to the girlfriend’s house and hang with her and her husband. It’s so freakin’ awkward!!!! It’s like they don’t even have a relationship. They just hang out and try to sneak away to go kiss ’cause there isn’t much time for them to do anything else. What’s worst is, I always try to include or invite the girlfriend to hang with us on girls’ weekends. I mean she is a really nice lady (excluding the cheating on her husband and dragging my friend along emotionally) and I want to support my friend even though this is a train wreck waiting to happen.
She moved an hour away from her family and friends to be near this woman. I asked her if this woman would ever leave her husband and she said no. With my friend jumping from one relationship to another, I don’t think she even knows who she is as a person and what she wants in a relationship. As much as I would love to give her my opinion on that, I cannot choose who she should be or wants. I just want to be a good friend and help her move forward in life. What should I do as a friend? Or should I just continue with the “let her be who she is and support her no matter what.” We did talk about her going to college and I helped her sign up for classes, but they are online classes and she won’t get to meet new people. Please help me.-The Enabler Friend
Anna says: Oh honey, you’re not an enabler. You’re trying to be a supportive friend to a woman who makes spectacularly bad dating decisions. It’s possible you’ve been a little TOO supportive, in that you’ve been afraid to give your friend the whole, frank, and unpleasant truth. Starting now, you should absolutely tell her your brutally honest opinion, counsel her, and to outline the ways in which dating a married woman secretly is a terrible idea, and so is changing her life (AGAIN!) for someone who won’t change a damn thing for her. You shouldn’t sugarcoat your opinion, in other words. But don’t expect her to listen or actually heed your advice. The world is run on people making horrifying relationship mistakes, and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
That said, however, though you may not be able to change your friend’s mystifying and destructive behaviors, you can (and should) set some boundaries for yourself and your involvement in her life. You don’t have to include the married lady on your “girls weekends.” You don’t have to be around the “freakin’ awkwardness” of her husband being around while your friend and her lady pretend to not be banging each other. You can be a caring and supportive friend without getting emotionally caught up in her situation. Remember that, in the end, your lives are separate, and if your friend’s affair is upsetting you, you don’t have to be around it. This isn’t to say you need to cut her out of your life or anything, just to be mindful of how you’re feeling and to not be shy about extricating yourself from any particularly uncomfortable scenarios. Tell your friend that you love her and want her to be happy, but that it’s hard for you to see her making the kinds of decisions that will only hurt her, and then let whatever happens happen.
People will always do what they want. The best we can do as friends is try not to let other people’s problems interfere with living our own lives. It’s a struggle, especially when we care deeply about another, but not insurmountable.
Here’s wishing you infinite patience and compassion (not that you don’t already have it in spades).
Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].
