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How to be the least popular girl at the party

As a child I possessed an undeniable runt like quality, and spent almost every lunchtime reading alone in some grim, Floridian public school system corner. As an adult, I’ve had to make a conscious effort to be a charming champagne bubble about town rather than invisible corner dweller. By the end of any given fete, there’s always that one girl blissfully unaware of how much less people like her now. Here’s how to be that girl!

1. Sobbing in the corner. Your tears are not poetic, they are cray.

2. Throwing up in your cup.

No one wants to kiss you now.

3. Banging in the bathroom. We can hear you.

4. Wobbling off your wedges.

If you can’t wear them, don’t wear them.

5. Coaxing acquaintances to “explain what people don’t like about me.”

At the moment, everything. Thanks for the reminder!

6. Gibbering “I’m so drunk” for hours. Inebriation breeds repetition.

7. Paying more attention to the host’s pets than any human in the room.

I know pets are cuter, but you’re not giving people the chance to get to know you. Also you come off as weird and anti-social.

8. Whining about surroundings.

“If you hate it so much why are you here?” is what we are thinking.

9. Passing out in bathroom, therefore locking everyone else out.

WE HAVE TO PEE, YOU SAVAGE.

10. Flinching when someone asks if you think they’re pretty.

Yes. Always yes.

11. Asking someone if they think you’re pretty. You should just know.

12. Drinking everyone’s alcohol while contributing nothing. No one’s that pretty.

13. Asking your friend about a random hook up when their girlfriend is within earshot.

Unless you’re super bored. In which case, carry on.

14. Taking more than three shots.

Shots end in slop. No one envies a sloppy bitch and don’t you want to be envied?

15. Fighting with your girlfriend for all the world to see. Your relationship is lame and unhealthy.

16. Getting ratchet.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

17. Constantly fixing your friend’s hair. You are not a monkey, she is going for the bedhead look.

18. Excusing yourself to poop. Never talk about poop.

19. Hooking up with the host in the host’s bedroom- while your partners are downstairs.

Flaunting infidelity is trashy and cruel. 20. Hiding behind furniture. I see London, I see France, I see you behind the Ottoman.

21. Constantly picking a wedge. Thongs are perma wedgies so just wear thongs until you no longer feel cloth between your asscheeks.

22. Spilling >3 drinks. If you can’t drink, don’t.

23. Bring a bag of pork rinds.

My roommate’s contribution, “Some girl brought over a bag of pork rinds and they smelled up the whole house. That shit happened to me and we ended up asking her to leave.”

24. Being really quiet for the majority of the party, but secretly mooching off others and then turning into a sloppy loud laugher who asks things like, “Oh, this is YOUR place?”

If you haven’t yet encountered this girl, you are this girl.

25. Bumming cigs all night, telling every other bummer where you got the cig, then bitching about the brand of bummed cig. Mooching is never sexy.

26. Militant veganism. Some people are going to eat meat in front of you and you need to accept that.

27. Obsessively checking Instagram/FB/Twitter. The party is here. You are at the party. You are where the action is. Get off your tiny computer.

28. Taking non-stop selfies. Save selfies for when you’re alone and want attention. Make like me and hop in a photobooth.

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