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Take Back the Knife: Women You Love in Movies You Don’t

“Take Back the Knife” is a monthly column about women in horror by genre writer/director Stacie Ponder.

Whether you’re a fan of an actress’s ability or looks, chances are at one time or another you’ve sat through some soul-sucking piece of crap cinema just because it starred someone you dig. It’s okay — we’ve all done it. Seriously, I’ve picked up and watched more bad movies than I can count — and trust me, I can count pretty damn high — solely because of the names on the box – and I’m not just talking horror movies!

Don’t tell anyone, but I set my DVR to record Uptown Girls simply because it stars Brittany Murphy. It took me four separate viewings to get through it and my DVR laughed at me the whole time, but I did it. It was fairly terrible (unless you like it, then, you know, it’s great), but there was also something oddly satisfying about watching it. Perhaps because it meant that there are a couple of actors I like them so much, I’ll watch anything they do. And liking things is nice. Yes, we’ll go with that reasoning, as it’s less weird-sounding than any alternatives.

In the interests of science, I have compiled the following list of actresses who have made some pretty bad horror films. Actually, I think every actress ever has at least one bad horror movie on her resume like some sort of rite of passage. But I’m banking that you really like at least one of the women on this list, and you’d suffer through a bad movie just to watch her. Mind you, I’ve seen all of these movies and yes, I’ve lived to tell the tale. I’m sure that says something about something or other, doesn’t it? In this bland remake of a 1987 cult favorite, a psychopathic man insinuates himself into fatherless families, making with the whole “nice” routine until the crazy takes hold and he kills them all and moves on to the next. Heard plays the girlfriend of Penn Badgley, who’s more than a bit leery of his new stepdad. The movie is completely predictable and about as scary as a boxful of puppies, but fans of Heard will be glued to the screen as she parades around in a bikini, in her underwear — it’s one of the most gratuitously cheesecake roles this side of a Russ Meyer movie. Props also go out to the random lesbian couple in the film, one of which is played by Sherry Stringfield (E.R.). Before they appeared together in Imagine Me and You and caused lesbians around the world to gnash their teeth and cry “But why aren’t you a couple in real liiiiiiife?” Headey and Perabo teamed up to battle monsters in a cave deep under Romania. I mean to say they did that in the movie The Cave, not in real life. Probably. Anyway, Headey plays a no-nonsense scienceologist while Perabo plays a reckless cave-diving scientist given to lines like “This is sick, dude! Totally rockin’!” Monsters abound, and neither actress wants to admit to being in this film. It’s bad horror movie heaven! There’s really no way around it: Halloween: Resurrection is a very, very bad movie. Beyond simply being a bad movie, however, Resurrection is a big, fat slap in the face to horror fans who have followed the saga of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode. Seriously, the first time I saw this film, I reacted with anger and indignation, not unlike the old woman in this commercial. I couldn’t even appreciate it on a campy level, which you think would be easy since Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes both appear to do battle with masked wackadoo Myers. But no, it’s that bad.And I vowed never to set eyes on it again.

Then a couple of years later, a show called Battlestar Galactica came along, and I found myself smitten and crying out things like, “This is the best show ever, next to Dallas and Melrose Place!” to no one in particular. And mind you, I didn’t have to clarify that I meant the original Melrose Place at the time. Well. I put two and two together — by which I mean I checked imdb.com – and I discovered that Katee Sackhoff, who forever won a place in my heart as BSG‘s Starbuck, was also a Myers victim in Halloween: Resurrection. I figured I’d check out the movie again, just to see her in her pre-outer space days, but then the PTSD trembles set in and I couldn’t do it. I told you; the movie is that bad. If there’s one thing I’ve always said about Pink and Shannyn Sossamon, it’s that they should play sisters in some crappy horror movie about some Antichrist type who totally ruins a rave in the catacombs underneath Paris by getting murdery all over everyone. Imagine my surprise, then, when Catacombs came along and it was exactly what I wanted!

All in all, Catacombs is a meandering, dull mess, but if you turn on your Imagination Power during the scenes of Pink and Sossamon zipping around Paris on a scooter, you can pretend you’re watching a different type of movie altogether: “Love at 35 MPH” or something like that. Before she became Mila “Sweet Lips” Kunis, she was Mila “Death Lips” Kunis in this atrocious follow-up to American Psycho. Wait, “Death Lips” is a bit misleading; it’s not as if she spends the movie doling out poison kisses or the like, although if she did, American Psycho 2 would be a better movie. As it is, however, be advised: Watching it may leave you feeling drained of all hope or that you’ve found a new “so bad it’s good” favorite. It’s a dangerous line to tread, friends! Ah, The Canyon. Or as I like to call it, Stupid Boring People Get Lost in the Grand Canyon Because Yes, They Are Stupid and As You May Have Inferred This Movie Is, in Fact, Boring So I Suggest Watching a National Geographic Special If You Want to Look at the Grand Canyon or Watching Chuck if You Want to Look at Yvonne Strahovski. Not a very catchy title, I know, but quite apt.< I’d long avoided Turistas because it seemed another in the wave of “Americans are afraid of places that are not America/stupid tourists/’torture porn'” horror movies that came on the heels of Hostel. The Olivia Wilde-ness of the film finally pushed me to check it out, though, and to my surprise, it’s not too bad!

It’s not as graphic and torture-laden as the ad want you to think, and the acting abilities of Wilde, Josh Duhamel, and Melissa George bump it a notch over some of its contemporaries. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about judging movies on their own merits, but frankly I’d rather stick with judging them based on whether or not they feature Olivia Wilde. If you’re into J-horror (you know, The Ring, The Grudge, stuff like that) then you’ll probably enjoy this paranormal-flavored thriller, but don’t expect anything mind-blowingly scary or scarily mind-blowing. Stewart is likable in that glum, sulky way she has, and the movie is fine, which is really the problem. It’s not bad, it’s not great, it’s just sort of there.

For some reason, I want to compare The Messengers to a sweatshirt – serviceable and oddly comforting, but nothing to get attached to or wear to a special occasion. Okay, actually that’s a terrible metaphor. I’m just chilly. I feel a bit weird putting Cherry Falls on this list because it’s actually a pretty good movie; it just never found its audience. Or audiences never found it, or … oh, you know what I’m saying. A slasher movie that’s also a satirical take on the genre, Cherry Falls flips the “virgins die last” convention on its head as a killer targets the sexually inexperienced, causing the town’s teenagers to rush losing their virginity in the hopes of staying alive.

A young Clementine Ford shows up just long enough to be a victim, but it’s Brittany Murphy who’s at the center of the film as the sheriff’s daughter/final girl. In related news, I’ll never stop being bummed that there won’t be any more new Brittany Murphy movies. I can’t tell if Lovers Lane is a cruddy slasher movie or a mediocre attempt at making fun of cruddy slasher movies. Irony is such a harsh mistress! Regardless, the film features bad wigs, a decapitated dog’s head that’s so fake, it looks like a cake, and the highlight of it all, Anna Faris as a cheerleader who defends herself from the killer by wielding four knives at once. Now that I write all that and think about it, I don’t care whether or not Lovers Lane knows it’s terrible – it’s kind of the best movie ever!

So there you go, lots of crappy horror movies you can sit through just to get a glimpse of actresses you love. Consider this a “proceed at your own risk” warning when I say, “Proceed at your own risk!”

In addition to writing and directing horror films, Stacie Ponder writes about them for Rue Morgue Magazine, AMC TV.com, and her own beloved site, Final Girl. In her spare time, Stacie enjoys a good laugh and looking at kittens.

And good news, Ponder fans! Stacie’s feature horror film Ludlow is now available on DVD. Click here for more info!

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