There are good bad movies and bad bad movies. And then there are movies so bad you can only watch them in the dead of the night with a pitcher of margaritas. I’m undecided which kind of bad Burlesque will be, but I do know from its first trailer that it certainly doesn’t look good.
Um, yeah. Christina Aguilera‘s big acting debut looks like they took the story of Showgirls (but without the toplessness), sprinkled in the singing of Glitter (but without Mariah Carey) and staged it all on the set of the “Lady Marmalade” video (but without Pink, Lil’ Kim or Mya). In other words, um, what?
The story seems to be the standard issue small-time girl with big dreams tries to make it in the even bigger city. If only someone would give her a chance. If only that person was Cher. Oh wait, it is. And look, Stanley Tucci is there to collect a paycheck drop one-liners. And, hey, I spy Kristen Bell, Alan Cumming and McSteamy. Did they all lose a bet or something?
But the problem isn’t the assembled cast. Nor is it really the well-worn storyline. No, from the brief glimpses we have in the trailer, the biggest issue appears to be the writing:
“Hold on a second, I can do this.”“You’ve got to make me believe you belong on that stage.”
“What is Ali short for?”
“Alice.”
“Alice? Well, welcome to wonderland.”
Someone got paid actual money to write that dialogue. I am clearly in the wrong profession.
The film, with its big-name cast (hello, Cher) and Thanksgiving release date (hello, you know you’ll want to escape awkward dinner table conversation with your family) is clearly trying to position itself as the next Moulin Rouge or Chicago. But some dreams are just too big, even for small-town girls. So now all we can only hope for is some truly epic movie moments along the line of, “I used to love doggy chow.” Where is Elizabeth Berkley when you need her?
So, what do you think? Good bad, bad bad or I’m-picking-Xtina’s-constant-vibrato-in-the-inevitable-drinking-game bad.
