Archive

“Romeo Romeo” documents the struggles a lesbian couple faces in getting pregnant

Pregnancy is a challenge that a lot of lesbian couples know well. Alexis and Jessica Casano-Antonellis know this a little too well. Their pregnancy journey was documented in Lizzie Gottlieb‘s 2012 film, Romeo Romeo.

The documentary will now be nationally broadcasted as part of World Channel’s America ReFramed series on March 22. We recently spoke with Alexis and Jessica about the emotional and financial tolls of their journey, dismissive doctors, the invasive nature of the film and what’s happened since the cameras turned off.

Warning: Spoilers ahead

AfterEllen.com: Who came up with the idea to film your pregnancy adventures?

Jessica Casano-Antonellis: Lizzie [Gottlieb]. Do you want to give the backstory, Lexy?

Alexis Casano-Antonellis: You can give the backstory.

JCA: Okay. Well, Lexy was Lizzie’s nanny for many years, and we ended up at one point, right after we got married back in 2007, moving into a garden apartment she and her husband had. We had just gotten married, and we were just starting to think about having kids, and she was like, “Can I just start filming you guys? Would you be okay with that?”

It sort of was right around when Prop 8 was going on. It first started as a film that was just going to be in support of gay rights and gay marriage and the process of two women having a baby, but then, as you know seeing Romeo Romeo, we ended up having major fertility issues and the movie kind of decided to focus more on infertility and the process and what that means.

AE: Is she the mom of the two kids in the movie?

ACA: That’s right.

JCA: She did IVF herself. Of course, she never wanted us to have to go through that, but once we were in that it actually was also a topic that she felt had not been explored enough on film and there wasn’t enough awareness around what women go through that have fertility issues. So it was something that she was personally really passionate about as well, having been there herself.

AE: That explains why she wanted to do the film, but why did you two agree to be filmed? Did you believe it would shed light on an important issue?

JCA: For sure. Back in 2008, I think Massachusetts was the only state that still you could get married in. And that’s where me and Lexy got married—I’m from up there. So at first, when it was just the process of two women, me and Lexy felt very much like there wasn’t a whole lot out there for us even when we were just starting off the whole process. We didn’t even have any resources to go to. We had a few friends that had—you know, friends of friends that were lesbians that had done this and could give us some advice, but other than that there really wasn’t a whole lot. So we were like, “Yeah, totally.”

We love Lizzie. We felt like she’s a part of our family so having her in our house, it didn’t feel invasive. We knew she wasn’t going to put anything on film we weren’t comfortable having there. But we’re also very much open books.

AE: But were there ever moments where having that camera around you was annoying?

JCA: I think all the disappointments.

ACA: I’ll speak about that because I was the one who was really going through the personal doctors appointments and everything. When we agreed to it, I was a little more hesitant. You know, having her film in general. I feel like Jessica was very much like, “Yes, we’ll do it! Let’s do it!” But I was kind of thinking, “Oh my God. It’s going to be a lot.” And then I thought maybe it’s going to be totally fine, it’s not going to be that invasive. But it ended up being pretty invasive. So there were a couple of moments, of course with Lizzie we were so close so she made it a lot easier, but like Jessica just said, finding out over and over again that we weren’t pregnant, we just kind of wanted to shut the camera off. Like, “Can we just feel for a second without everyone looking at us, or even someone filming us?” It kind of got in our way a little bit, but that’s to be expected.

AE: Back when you first discussed having children, did you have any clue it would end up being as expensive as it was for you?

ACA: No. No.

JCA: No! It literally destroyed us. It was so expensive. We were kind of shocked by how much the sperm itself cost. We did the Family Plan. We always just thought it would work at the first try, so we were like, “Yeah, this is great. We’ll have enough sperm for our first child and then we have the storage for another two years and we can have our second baby.” Then like after try after try with it not working, it was like, “Oh my God.” And we had to come up with money for the IVF cycle, which is just, I mean, it’s ridiculous how much that stuff costs. You hear stories about people that have done it multiple times. It’s like $20,000. For us, we do not have that kind of money, and especially did not have that kind of money back in 2008. So we were fortunate back then there was a grant program that NYU was doing in partnership with New York State where Lexy and I applied to get this IVF grant and it gave us $10,000 that paid for half of the IVF treatment.

ACA: They don’t have it anymore.

JCA: Which is really unfortunate, because we would not have been able to do it without that grant.

AE: So the film was pretty educational. We hear all kinds of new terminologies and about the processes involved with artificial insemination, IVF, etc. You both knew your stuff, but tell me, who became the pregnancy whiz?

JCA: Me. Right Lexy? You’d say me, right?

ACA: 100 percent, Jessica. I was willing to carry and eat as much as I wanted for nine months, but Jessica, I have to say, she became the professional, really.

AE: Was that ever aggravating for you, Lexy?

ACA: No, not at all. It was actually a relief.

JCA: The one time that was aggravating for me was that before we went to NYU we saw another doctor, who I don’t even remember his name to give you, but he wouldn’t even acknowledge me. And I was the one that was doing all the research. I had all the questions. It should have been a conversation between the two of us. He had me sit—he had only one seat next to his desk and the other seat was like way in the back of the room and I had to sit in that one and he wouldn’t look at me the entire time.

ACA: I think his intentions were that it was my body—I would be going through that. But you’re right, that wasn’t really fair and that wasn’t good.

AE: Jessica, in the film you’re shown as not always being the most sensitive. But a lot of that can probably be attributed to the financial stress you were under and the fact that you really did want to make this pregnancy happen. But as the person who’s not trying to get pregnant, it might be hard for some people to understand where you were coming from. So, where were you coming from?

JCA: Oh I’m not going to be able to redeem myself.

ACA: Before you start, you might want to tell her that’s just the way you are.

JCA: I know. That’s why I’m saying I’m not even going to try to redeem myself. That’s just totally, 100 percent, who I am. Like, I am the husband Lexy never wanted. In a good way. But I’m not very sensitive. I don’t have it in me.

ACA: She does not regret saying those things. Even though I think you should. A little bit.

JCA: Hmm.

ACA: That scene when Lizzie asks her—from behind the camera, Lizzie says, “What would you do if you were in Lexy’s position?” And she says, “I don’t know. I would just be pregnant.”

JCA: Stand by that 100 percent.

AE: Do you just know for a fact, Jessica, that you’re super fertile?

JCA: Then I did! Well it took me two tries, so I was wrong on that. When I finally went to get pregnant with—because oh! I carried our second child. The camera shut off after Romeo Romeo, but we did have a second child. We have a two-year-old now. Frankie. And I did carry him. Christopher gave us his sperm again for Frankie. Me and Lexy flew out to San Francisco and did the same thing all over again. It did not work the first time, so I was wrong in that.

AE: So Lexy beat you at that then.

JCA: Yes, she did. She did.

ACA: That’s right! Thank you very much for pointing that out.

AE: Congratulations on the second baby. I’m going to have to tell people, “Spoiler alert!”

ACA: Please do, because we feel really bad for Frankie.

JCA: I know, our poor little Frankie. He gets no attention. But yeah, initially we always wanted to have Lexy carry both of them. In our heads back in 2007 we figured we’d take my egg and put it into Lexy and have her carry it. Like, “We’ll do one with her egg and then one with my egg.” Her carrying both of them. But then literally we spent every single cent we had on IVF and the sperm the first time around that I was like, “I just have to suck it up and carry a baby for nine months.”

AE: Lexy, how much do you think you understood Jessica’s side of things throughout this journey with Romeo? Do you think you were always fair to her?

ACA: I do feel like I was fair and very there for her emotionally. We were both there for each other emotionally.

JCA: Once we finally got pregnant it was just all bliss I feel like.

ACA: Yeah, it was a really, really happy time.

AE: Jessica, would you say that’s accurate? Do you feel like Lexy was always fair?

JCA: Yes. I feel like sometimes Lexy lives a little bit in a bubble. Like I used to get frustrated with the financial implications because I felt like Lexy didn’t pay attention to those parts or didn’t want to, so I used to get really frustrated with her.

AE: Was there ever a point in the first pregnancy where you wanted to call it quits on this journey?

ACA: For me, no. I would have gone and gone and gone.

JCA: Yeah, same. And that was like one of the amazing things with Lizzie, because outside of being the filmmaker, she was a great friend. When the camera wasn’t on, she’d be the one being a therapist to us. I just remember her always saying over and over again, “You will get pregnant. It will happen. It might not happen this time, but it’s going to happen. You are going to have a baby.”

AE: Seeing both your families being so excited for you two throughout the film was so cute. How special was that for you?

ACA: That was so great.

JCA: We’re both very, very, very lucky that we both have very supportive families. And now like, oh my God, both our kids are so spoiled. They have so many sets of grandparents because in addition to our immediate family, our parents, when Romeo was a year and a half, Christopher had his mom meet Romeo. So now Christopher’s mom is very involved. She’s a third grandmother. And we now go out to visit her once a year in the summer—she lives in southern California. She comes to visit us twice a year. We have always said, “The more, the merrier.” Like the more people that loved our children, the better.

AE: Today, would you say you’re a stronger couple for having gone through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant?

ACA: For sure.

JCA: Oh definitely. Now we’re just like an angry old couple.

AE: Any plans for more kids?

ACA: Well we’d have to do a lot of discussing with Christopher too, but we have talked about it.

JCA: We’re leaving Brooklyn. We just bought a house in the suburbs. We’re moving at the end of the school year. So we will have a third bedroom…

AE: Finally, what advice do you for couples starting off on the same journey as you? Particularly for a lesbian couple that will have to navigate a lot of the same issues you did.

JCA: From the doctor’s side, don’t settle. If you see one doctor and you don’t like him or don’t like his or her advice, then find another.

ACA: Find someone you’re both comfortable with.

JCA: And just knowing in the back of your head that if you really want it bad enough, it will happen.

ACA: It is possible. And also, my advice would be, as a couple, try not to give up on each other. Make sure you’re on the same page. Communication is key.

JCA: The only other advice I’d give is it’s really important to find your community and people that you can seek out to get advice from. Like the two lesbians that we ended up meeting with, Annie and Kim, they were actually good friends with the filmmaker. That advice they gave us was really how we ended up having Romeo.

ACA: Be open to trying anything.

Romeo Romeo airs on March 22 at 8/7c (check local listings) as part of World Channel’s America ReFramed series. The film will also stream nationally online at no charge for 90 days following the broadcast.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button