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Recap Attack: “Bar Girls”

An apology in advance – At some point during the course of this recap, I might accidentally refer to this movie as Bad Girls. If that should happen, it will be partly because I’m a big fan of the British show Bad Girls and partly because the word “bad” hammers in my head incessantly whenever I watch this movie. Bad, bad, bad. Just bad. (You know it.)

The bar – The bar in question is Girl Bar. Like, the actual one in Los Angeles. I don’t remember where I read this, so I might be entirely wrong, but even if I’m wrong, I doubt anyone will really care.

The girls – The girls in question are Loretta, a snarky cartoonist; Rachel, a blossoming actress; J.R., a whiskey-voiced cop; Tracy, a Southern butch; Annie, a flirty jock; and Veronica, a bi-curious flibbertigibbet.

The so-called plot – Read the Amazon.ca product description. It says so much while saying so little.

The theme song – If you’ve read my recaps of The L Word, you know I’m not a fan of the theme song of that series. But the Bar Girls theme song is worse. Imagine if you took a riot grrrl (when they still existed), replaced her brain with Carrie Underwood’s, and dipped her and her harmonica in a vat of scalding tapioca. You’d get the Bar Girls theme: misconceived, tuneless, bland, overdone and just plain dumb. Thankfully, it’s also brief.

Dressing for success – Loretta is trying on everything in her closet. She’s not happy with any of it, but I don’t think the clothes are her problem. I think the accessories are the real errors; namely, the egregious overacting and the laughable facial expressions.

Loretta’s friend Tracy calls to see what Loretta’s up to. Loretta says she has a date with “Psycho Jock” and invites Tracy to meet them at the bar.

On second thought – Now Loretta and Tracy are standing outside the bar, wondering why they bothered to go there in the first place. Look at this scintillating, insightful dialogue:

Tracy: I don’t know why I come here night after night. See the same old boring faces, looking as disappointed with me as I am with them.
Yeah, yeah. Play us a song; you’re the piano man. Only there’s no song, no piano and no men, and above all, no point.

Loretta is about to leave when she suddenly finds herself on the receiving end of a pointed gaze from a hot chick in a leather jacket. (She actually is kinda hot. It’s the one good thing about this movie.) So Loretta and Tracy go back inside.

What a hangout – Look at that bar. I mean, really? That’s a bar? It looks like the rec room at my college, where I reigned supreme at the pool table and the Tetris console. Jeez, I’m so gay (and so old).

Tracy and Loretta chat with Celia, the bartender. Loretta tells Celia she’d like to send “that beautiful woman” a drink, anonymously. But she says it like it’s never been done before. If there’s a theme in this movie, that’s it: the delusion that what’s being said or done or thought is somehow novel, rather than the hackneyed, pedestrian dreck it really is.

For future reference, if you want to impress me in a bar, don’t send me a drink. Go behind the bar and do some fancy drink-making moves that draw a crowd, and then play Blondie on the jukebox. Or, if you must send me something, stuff a pint glass full of $50 bills and top it with the deed to a brownstone in the West Village.

As Celia delivers the drink, Loretta and Tracy shoot the breeze. Loretta thinks she can get “that girl” into her car in 10 minutes.

Loretta: You can get anything you want in this life if you possess three qualities: patience, charisma and patience. Tracy: Well, then all you lack’s charisma.
Hey, that’s almost funny in print. But the way they say these lines is not exactly funny; it’s more scratch-your-eyes-out amateurish.

Moving right along – The beautiful woman, Rachel, eventually finds out who sent her the drink (she very cleverly asks the bartender) and marches right up to Loretta. They hit it off, I guess. Well, what else do you call it when two actresses say their lines really quickly and have no chemistry? Looks like love to me.

As they ramble, Tracy stands nearby and points to her watch, reminding Loretta about the outta-my-dreams-and-into-my-car thing. So Loretta somehow convinces Rachel to let Loretta take her for a ride.

Rachel: OK. Let’s go. Loretta: Really? Rachel: Cold feet? Loretta: Warm heart. Let’s try to keep it that way.
There is probably no context in which anyone can say “Let’s try to keep it that way” without sounding like a mother, a boss or a dumbass. Or in this case, all three.

Cover your ears – As Loretta and Rachel crawl through the streets of L.A. in Loretta’s convertible, some pseudo-techno music plays, laced with echoes of dialogue from the preceding scene.

If you think that sounds interesting or cool, buy this movie. It was made for you and no one else.

And now cover your eyes – They arrive at Loretta’s house. Loretta leaves the headlights and the radio on, gets out, and dances seductively in front of – and on the hood of – the car. Rachel claps her hands and waves her arms appreciatively.

I thought maybe if I typed it out in a very matter-of-fact way, this scene would seem less insane and/or inane, but the reverse seems to be true.

Gettin’ down – They continue to dance inside the house until Loretta (apparently rather winded) flops on the couch, legs spread wide. This scares Rachel a little, so she says she’d better be going.

But Loretta convinces her to stay a little longer. And she convinces Rachel to hang out in the bedroom, because it’s “more intimate.”

Loretta: You’re really safe, you know. Because I’m actually seeing someone right now. Rachel: Oh. Well, that’s cool. ‘Cause I’m married. Loretta: Oh, really? Rachel: To a man. Loretta: Oh, that’s a bummer. Rachel: What do you care? You’re in love with someone anyway, right? Loretta: Well, yeah, I am. Actually, so is she, but I think it’s with somebody else. Or herself; I’m not quite sure. Rachel: Actually, I’m not very married right now. I am seeing a woman that I like way too much. Loretta: What’s “too much”? Rachel: At all.
Well, after this conversation, I guess it’s not really false advertising to put the words “lesbian drama” on the DVD case.

They proceed to talk about their exes. For each ex, we get a little video vignette that captures the ex’s personality. We see Loretta and her “current nightmare,” Annie the Psycho Jock, on the beach. Annie wants to have sex right there on the beach, but Loretta says she can’t “do it” unless she’s in love.

Annie: Oh. I can understand that. I’ll wait.
Annie also talks about her other girlfriend, who’s straight; they’ve been together for four celibate years. Loretta calls this “pretty unusual.” Ya think?

Then we see Rachel and her current girlfriend, Sandy. Naturally, Sandy’s not thrilled that Rachel’s married.

Rachel: I didn’t think it would be such a big deal.
Say it with me: Who are these people?

The next day, I guess – Loretta and her business partner, Noah, are talking about the superhero cartoon they write. It’s called Heavy Myrtle, and Myrtle is a couples’ counselor. We even get to see a little of it. I use “get to” in the sense of “feel forced to like that guy whose eyes are peeled open with little metal prongs in A Clockwork Orange.”

Another day, or hour, or whatever – Loretta and her friend Veronica are having lunch at Little Frida’s, a lesbian coffee house. The waitress flirts with Veronica, and Veronica flirts right back. When the waitress tries to get Veronica to try the Tofutti chocolate mousse, we get a semi-funny moment:

Veronica: I’m on a macrobiotic diet. Waitress: Really? I’m on a juice fast. Loretta: [interrupting] I eat whatever I want.
Yeah, I’m reaching.

Veronica decides she has to make love to “that woman,” and asks Loretta to “get me that lesbian.”

Loretta: I can’t just get you a lesbian. They’re not like a pair of shoes.
But she says she’ll introduce Veronica to a couple of ladies, if Veronica promises to act human.

The bar – It’s Hawaiian night or something; there are leis everywhere. Celia’s trying to drum up some business by having theme nights. Do what you want, Celia: It’s still gonna look like a glorified basement.

Loretta and Annie are discussing Annie’s “dangerous” straight girlfriend, Chauncey, who is apparently rather abusive. Loretta gives Annie an ultimatum. Annie says, “Loretta, you know I’m in love with you, but Chauncey is everything to me.”

Just as Annie and Loretta start to yell at each other and break up, Rachel and Sandy walk in. Awkward. And yet not at all surprising, because these four seem to be the only people who frequent this rec room.

Annie: [leaving] Loretta, don’t bother to call me, because I’ll be at Chauncey’s. Loretta: Oh, yeah? Well don’t bother to call me, either, because I will be right here. [whirling around, surveying her surroundings] At the bar.
Permit me to give Nancy Allison Wolfe (Loretta) a teensy tiny bit of praise: I love the way she says that line. When she spins around, it’s almost reminiscent of a ’40s scenery-chewer. And the way she says “at the bar” is a nice little bit of self-mockery.

Trouble is, this is pretty much the only time she actually aims for the melodramatic; the rest of the time, she just stumbles into it and can’t find her way back. (Check her out on IMDb: a storied career, indeed.)

Rachel sits down and tries to comfort Loretta a little: “She’ll be back. They always come back a few more times, just to make you suffer, if nothing else.”

What is that? A lesson in What Lesbians Are Like, or the tagline for a horror movie?

Rachel, Sandy, and Loretta go to the bar for drinks.

Loretta: Celia, can we get some help down here? Celia: It’s a little late for a brain transplant.
That’s funny, right? Or rather, it could have been, if it hadn’t been delivered so unintelligibly and unintelligently. I usually can’t decide whether it’s the writing, the acting or the directing that makes lesbian movies as abysmal as they often are. In this case, I’ve gotta go with directing: Everything feels like the first take or even the first read. But this movie was a play before it hit celluloid, and many/all of the actors were in the play too. Oh, whatever.

Celia offers some advice: “Never fall in love with half a woman, because chances are the other half is at home designing voodoo dolls.”

Loretta: Ce? Just a drink, please.
Hey, don’t reject her fortune cookies so quickly: She might be the wisest one in this gin joint. That’s a scary thought.

Celia offers them “Love Potion No. 10”: “One sip of this will make you recognize your one true love, and you won’t settle until you win her over.”

But the stuff tastes disgusting; Celia reveals that she’s been “trying to get rid of that liqueur for months.” Loretta points out that Celia didn’t drink any of the potion with them, which leads Rachel to compare Celia to the “leader lemming who doesn’t actually jump off the cliff.”

Loretta seems absolutely amazed and enchanted by Rachel’s comment. It’s like she’s suddenly beholding the face of the Virgin Mary on a bagel.

Loretta: [stunned] I can’t believe you know about lemmings.
Um, who doesn’t know about lemmings? And why would it matter either way? Celia says it for me:
Celia: What’s so special about a suicidal rodent?
Loretta and Rachel decide (no doubt because of the suicidal rodents) that the love potion is working. Sandy says she doesn’t feel a thing, but the next thing you know, she’s passed out and Rachel and Loretta are still flirting. Loretta offers Rachel a ride home, but Rachel’s got her bike.

They leave, and are surprised to see that dawn has broken (actually, it’s more like broad daylight). Loretta drives along in her convertible as Rachel pumps the pedals.

The next day – Loretta and Rachel have a breakfast picnic in the woods. Rachel talks about why she got married: It was a kind of yuppie/conformity thing.

Loretta: A Subaru station wagon, Sunday picnics in the park, and four kids with names that rhyme. Rachel: Tommy, Lonny, Johnny … and Justin. Loretta: Justin? Rachel: I always wanted to name a kid Justin. Loretta: I love you. Rachel: [shocked expression] Loretta: I love you. It just … it just slipped out. See how easy it is when you feel something? It just comes out. Is that OK? Rachel: [shrugging and nodding] I love you.
Generally, this movie isn’t exactly accurate when it tries to tell us What Lesbians Are Like. But the early “I love you” is right on, at least in my experience. I’m not talking about moving in – this is not a U-Haul joke. I’m probably giving us too much credit, but I think lesbians are generally a little better at offering love without expecting anything in particular in return. So why not say it? The worst that can happen is she’ll tell you you’re a crazy stalker and she never wants to see you again and she can’t believe you took her to a stupid movie like Bar Girls.

And then comes the sex. Or I guess it’s sex; there’s some skin, and long flowing hair, and soft feminine energy everywhere. This is funny, considering that earlier Loretta was mocking her friend Veronica for wanting a “really feminine” woman, as if only straight girls think that’s appealing.

The kisses are not terrible, but not anything to rewind for. It all feels very choreographed, and no doubt it is. Not that that matters when the actors have chemistry, but I think you can guess how this movie scores on that point.

Some time later – Loretta and Noah are at Loretta’s house, working on another episode of Heavy Myrtle. Rachel arrives to get some hugs and kisses and deliver some news: She just got a commercial. Did we even know she was an actress before now? No, and we’re 39 minutes in. Feels like 390, I know.

Noah asks Rachel how she’s doing, as if they’re buddies. I guess that’s one way to show the passage of time. One might also call it a way to not actually write the movie. Loretta and Rachel sorta start to make out, so Noah bids them farewell. Rachel’s hair commercial is a source of concern for Loretta:

Loretta: Just don’t ever leave me because you get famous, OK? Rachel: OK. I’ll wait till I’m all washed up. Loretta: Nooo. Rachel: I’m kidding! I’m kidding. Loretta: I want you to move in with me. Rachel: Really? Oh, really. Oh. [sitting down on the couch] Loretta, if we do move in together, there’s one thing that I’m completely adamant about. Loretta: [inspecting her fingernails] I’ll clip ’em. Rachel: [laughing] No. Monogamy. If you ever cheat on me, even just a little, I’ll leave you. Loretta: How could I cheat on you just a little? Rachel: Come on, I’m totally serious about this. My father cheated on my mother for years, and it ruined her. Loretta: OK, OK. Jesus. I feel guilty and I haven’t even done anything. I have never cheated in my entire life. OK, once. I cut school one day. But it was National School Cut day, so everybody did it.
They laugh, but if you ask me, it’s not cool of Loretta to make light of this. I mean, cutting school is a very serious thing.

Now you can make the U-Haul joke – So they move in together. As Rachel unpacks her flannel shirts and Marlene Dietrich portrait (I could not make this up), she suddenly turns pensive.

Rachel: Do you think I’m gay? Loretta: What do you mean? Rachel: Well, how do I know for sure? Loretta: You just know, that’s all. It’s like being French: Either you are, or you’re not.
The best part of this scene (if there’s anything good about it) is what Rachel’s wearing when she poses this question to Loretta. She’s sporting boxers, a cut-off sweatshirt over a T-shirt, and a red bandanna. This is how you know you’re gay, Rachel – look in the mirror. Oh, and Loretta’s wearing a tank top and overalls. Come on.

They’re flirty and silly and I guess it’s all fine, but I wish I had some idea how long they’ve been together. How am I supposed to grouse about it if I don’t have all the facts? (This is what my tombstone should say.)

Hat night – Tonight’s theme at the bar is Hat Night. Oh, that’s not really a theme? That’s OK. If the movie as a whole doesn’t have any themes, neither should the bar.

Loretta has brought her friend Veronica along. You remember her: the one who was flirting with the waitress and wanted Loretta to “get me that lesbian.” Loretta’s friend Tracy – the Southern butch we met briefly at the beginning of the movie – is also there, and Tracy and Veronica hit it off right away.

Veronica: So where are you from, Tracy? Tracy: I’m from South Carolina. Veronica: Oh, really? I like your accent. It’s kind of tough and romantic at the same time. Tracy: Well, thank you.
By the way, there is more flannel and plaid on my screen than you’ll find on the clearance rack at the Wal-Mart in Jackson, Wyo.

Loretta pulls Veronica aside and says, “Tracy is not a femme. In fact, Tracy makes my dad look prissy.” And that’s true, but Veronica doesn’t care.

Loretta: She’s a dyke. Veronica: Is there something wrong with that? Loretta: No, it’s just that … she drives a Harley. She’s very learned in the ways of lesbianism. She could overpower a straight girl like you.
She could overpower me, too, but not with her so-called erudition: I’d be blown away by the inauthenticity of her accent.

Tracy gives Veronica some tips at the pool table. Make of that what you will.

Rachel arrives, and as she does, Kimba (another bartender; don’t try to care) tells Loretta that “the one that counts just walked in.” This, I assume, is an homage to Desert Hearts, and you’d think it would class up the ol’ rec room a little, but it doesn’t.

And then somebody else walks in: J.R., a cop with a purple jacket and a royal attitude. She zeroes in on Rachel immediately and isn’t even a little bit intimidated by Loretta.

Rachel thinks J.R. is OK, and even funny. Loretta storms off to “see how Veronica and Tracy are doing.” She really just wants some sympathy, of course. Like most writers in movies (um, and in real life), Loretta is selfish and insecure.

Loretta goes back over to the bar and asks Rachel if she wants to take off. But Rach is having fun and wants to have another drink with J.R. – and so she does, as Loretta whines to Kimba.

Loretta: Is this my relationship with Rachel, or is it every relationship I’ve ever had?
I was thinking something similar myself: Is this Bar Girls, or is it every bad lesbian movie I’ve ever seen?

Home sour home – Loretta and Rachel have their first fight, about J.R., of course.

Rachel: She might be a friend, and I haven’t made many friends since I moved here. Loretta: Well, what am I? Rachel: You’re my soul mate. Loretta: Don’t soul mates rank higher than potential friends? Rachel: Soul mates have to put up with soul mates’ potential friends.
Then they ask each other “Why do you love me?” and “How much do you love me?” and it’s cringe-worthy – partly because the entire movie is cringe-worthy and partly because those subjects are just minefields.

But wait, it gets even more treacherous:

Rachel: You know, it’s weird. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this, but sometimes I feel compelled to tell you I love you because I think I do … but, the truth is, sometimes I don’t love you. Maybe it’s because I don’t love myself. Even then, it’s no less disturbing to look over at you loving me and feel nothing. I try not to let it worry me, because I know I’ll love you later if I just let it pass … Loretta: You don’t love me all the time? Rachel: No, not all the time, but most of the time I do. Loretta: Good. I thought it was just me. Rachel: You don’t love me all the time? Loretta: No. Sometimes I don’t even like you. Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I hate you … Loretta: You hate me? I don’t ever hate you. Rachel: I didn’t mean hate. Hate’s pretty strong. I just mean that sometimes I loathe you.
It’s really pretty funny. Liza D’Agostino (Rachel) has her moments. Trivia note: She appeared in an episode of Ellen back in 1997.

It doesn’t end well; they end up scowling at each other and rolling away from each other in bed. If I were the director, one of them would have rolled right off, just to break the tension. Thunk!

The harsh light of day – Loretta is checking the answering machine. There’s a message from J.R. that Loretta promptly deletes.

Noah arrives; it’s time to work on that damn cartoon again. Loretta wants Heavy Myrtle to counsel a lesbian couple, but Noah’s far from keen on the idea. This was before the days when lesbians were everywhere on TV. You know, like they are now.

A meeting – Noah and Loretta are meeting with a producer. The lesbian story line has been approved (that was quick), as long as one of the women has an affair with a man and leaves her lover for that man. Points for realism.

Loretta is so incensed (“I am tired of placating to this patriarchal society!”) that she decides she and Noah will go on a little caper and kidnap the producer’s troll doll.

Yes, there are times when I can’t believe what I’m typing.

Another theme night – It’s some sort of Scorpio night at the bar. In about two paragraphs, this will matter.

Loretta and Rachel are playing pool with Tracy and Veronica when Annie and Sandy walk in holding hands. Just to make it all the more awkward, Loretta and Rachel decide to talk to their respective exes.

And then a really weird thing happens: As Loretta and Annie talk about Scorpio traits at the bar, Chastity Bono wanders up and says, “I’m a Scorp.” They stare at her blankly, much like you’re no doubt staring right now.

That’s what you call a cameo? More like a what-the-hell-e-o.

Loretta – the one who was so recently jealous of J.R.’s brief interaction with Rachel – puts her hand on Annie’s thigh and tells her she’s still attracted to her. Chastity Bono, come back and slap some sense into everyone!

Annie reveals that she and Sandy are getting married. She and Loretta go to the table where Rachel and Sandy are chatting and smiling. Annie and Sandy leave, and then Loretta and Rachel start getting jealous and bickery again. Who walks in, right on cue? That’s right: J.R., and we get a little reprise of the earlier scene, in which Rachel and J.R. talk and Loretta seeks solace from Tracy and Veronica. They try to calm Loretta down, but it doesn’t work; Loretta interrupts J.R. and Rachel and generally makes an ass of herself.

Loretta and J.R. end up getting eighty-sixed, and Rachel leaves too.

Loretta: You can sleep alone tonight, because I’m not coming home. Rachel: I don’t think I’ll be alone.

More drama – When Loretta finally gets home (presumably after driving around to techno music all night, occasionally getting out to dance on the hood of her convertible), there’s a Jeep parked in the driveway and a J.R. parked in the living room chair.

Loretta: [to Rachel] Look, I am not your husband, and I’m not going to take this s***.
Uh. OK.
Loretta: If I ask you a question, do you promise to answer me truthfully? Rachel: Yes. Loretta: Did you kiss her? Rachel: No. Loretta: You answered pretty quickly. Rachel: Well, I knew the answer.
They scream at each other some more and then Rachel says, “Either you leave or I leave.” How about I leave?

But Rachel beats me to the punch and departs. Then Loretta and J.R. talk about how wonderful Rachel is.

Loretta: Sometimes I’m so scared I’m gonna lose her, it’s like death is looming over me. J.R.: I know what you mean. I felt that way before my mother died.
Wait. Does Rachel have a tumor or something? Is this about to turn into some sort of thing where somebody gets hit really hard by a German boxer and ends up paralyzed and euthanized?

Worse and worse – J.R. and Loretta have sex. Yes, the sworn enemies who have been fighting over Rachel have found some sort of solace in each other’s arms. I can’t even comment.

But I don’t have to: Afterward, racked with guilt, Loretta goes to see Tracy, who says it all for me.

Tracy: You know, Loretta, there are certain things we just don’t do in the South. And f***in’ our enemies is one of ’em.
That was short-lived – Loretta goes back home to find that J.R. is helping Rachel move out. How long was that little spate of domestic bliss? It’s like a funhouse version of the U-Haul joke.

J.R. has told Rachel about the thing. You know, the thing where J.R. and Loretta slept together. Apparently this faithlessness was enough to make Rachel break up with Loretta, but not enough to make her stop being friends with J.R. – although I guess you could argue that forcing J.R. to help her move is a hostile act.

Loretta says the dalliance with J.R. was not “cheating”; it was a mistake. She explains that she and J.R. were “hating each other in his healthy way,” and it somehow led to sex. And then Loretta sort of gets that courage-of-your-clueless-convictions thing that plagues so many lovelorn souls:

Loretta: I will not tell you that I will never again for the rest of my life sleep with anyone else. I will tell you that I love you and that I will be honest with you. Rachel: You’re pathetic. Why the f*** would I commit to you if you’re not gonna be monogamous? Loretta: No one’s monogamous. You think troglodyke over here is gonna be monogamous? J.R.: [interrupting] Troglodyke?
Well, the captions say troglodyte. I hear troglodyke, and if that’s not what was said, then I thank my ears and brain for making life funnier than it really is.

Loretta gives a big speech about living life with unbelievable highs and devastating lows and no regrets.

Rachel: If you think in some bohemian fantasy that that s*** is gonna fly with me, you are so wrong.
Right on. But then we get some crying and some rambling about fear of commitment, and then Rachel leaves.

Worse and worse and worse – Loretta is talking to her bathroom mirror.

Loretta: You f***ed up. God, I know this feeling. It’s like my umbilical cord has just been cut, and I’m floating out here alone in the universe. I’m all alone. All I wanted was love. Was that so much to ask for? Who else left me? Who left me? Nah, he wasn’t there. Dad wasn’t really there. Mom couldn’t be there. Nobody was there. Where the f*** were they? Not there. All I wanted was love. You have to love yourself … before anyone else can love you. You have to love you. I really want to love me.
The first time I saw this movie – in an actual theater – I started laughing out loud during this speech. And couldn’t stop. Some of the people around me were annoyed, but I had a good time. A glorious sense of freedom settled over me as I gave up trying to make sense of the movie and gave in to its unintentional campiness.

Back at the bar – Loretta is crying in her beer. Rachel shows up. They get back together. And the DVD goes back into the Netflix sleeve faster than you can say “I really want to love me.”

Oh, but I skipped the best line of the movie: J.R. starts to get into a fight (with Sandy this time), and when she gets thrown out, she makes a proclamation:

J.R.: I can’t help it if you’re all a bunch of jealous and insecure lesbians!
Now that’s what should be on my tombstone.

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