The best of Oscar’s 80th


Hey, did something happen in

Hollywood last night? Oh, right; a bunch of people went home with shiny

naked golden men. While some may quibble with a few of the winners,

last night’s Oscars telecast was a night when Tinsel Town pretty much

got things right. Sure, I would have loved for Juno to sneak

in and steal No Country for Old Men’s Oscar for Best Picture. But

that might have incurred the wrath of Anton Chigurh, and the last thing you want to do

is to make a man with a Dorothy Hamill haircut and a compressed-air gun


The evening was largely a classy

affair, with lots of first-time winners, loads of heartfelt speeches

and even a couple genuine surprises. So in the spirit of honoring excellence,

here are a few awards of my own. May I have the envelope, please?

Best Straight Allies: Cynthia

and Vanessa Roth

The filmmakers won for their

short documentary Freeheld, about a lesbian couple’s fight

to win survivorship benefits. (Look for more details in Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. this Friday.)

Best Upset I Didn’t Know

I Wanted: Marion Cotillard

I thought I’d be mad at Marion

for upsetting my personal favorite Julie Christie

for Best Actress, but after hearing her exuberant, charming and sincere

speech, I’ve fallen in love instead.


Best Use of the Words Nipple

and Buttocks in an Acceptance Speech: Tilda Swinton

The surprise Best Supporting

Actress winner accepted her trophy with a hilarious, “Ohhh, no,”

and things only got better from there. Nipples, buttocks and the Batsuit all made it into her speech. For that, I will even ignore her designed-by-Hefty-Bags


Best Rocking of a Tattoo That

Will Make Your Grandma Blush: Diablo Cody

The Juno scribe (and,

as the now-fabled story goes, former stripper) took home the hardware

for Best Original Screenplay, and in the process, became the role model

for misfit girls everywhere who think they might have a story worth

telling, too.

Best Realization That

You Are in the Presence of Greatness: Daniel Day-Lewis

Now that’s how you approach

the Queen, I mean, Helen Mirren.

Best Impromptu Audition for

the Role of Peter Pan: Renee Zellweger

Though, if she really wanted

to go for it, she should have worn the green tights.

Best Circumventing of the Play-Off

Music: Markéta Irglová

After her Once on-screen

(and off-screen) partner Glen Hansard

gave his gracious thanks for winning Best Original Song, Markéta was played

off stage by the orchestra. But after the commercial break, host

Jon Stewart
brought her back to the microphone

to have her say. It was easily the night’s classiest moment.

Best Evidence That Red Is the

New Black

Best Evidence That Pregnant

Is the New Black

Best Evidence That, No, Really,

Black Is Still the New Black

Look, I realize that Penelope

is probably wearing navy blue, but do you want to see a picture

of her or not?

So, who were your favorite

winners? Who wore your favorite fashions? And who invited The Rock?


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