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The best of Oscar’s 80th

Hey, did something happen in Hollywood last night? Oh, right; a bunch of people went home with shiny naked golden men. While some may quibble with a few of the winners, last night’s Oscars telecast was a night when Tinsel Town pretty much got things right. Sure, I would have loved for Juno to sneak in and steal No Country for Old Men‘s Oscar for Best Picture. But that might have incurred the wrath of Anton Chigurh, and the last thing you want to do is to make a man with a Dorothy Hamill haircut and a compressed-air gun angry. The evening was largely a classy affair, with lots of first-time winners, loads of heartfelt speeches and even a couple genuine surprises. So in the spirit of honoring excellence, here are a few awards of my own. May I have the envelope, please?

Best Straight Allies: Cynthia Wadeand Vanessa Roth

The filmmakers won for their short documentary Freeheld, about a lesbian couple’s fight to win survivorship benefits. (Look for more details in Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. this Friday.) Best Upset I Didn’t Know I Wanted: Marion Cotillard

I thought I’d be mad at Marion for upsetting my personal favorite Julie Christie for Best Actress, but after hearing her exuberant, charming and sincere speech, I’ve fallen in love instead.  

Best Use of the Words Nipple and Buttocks in an Acceptance Speech: Tilda Swinton

The surprise Best Supporting Actress winner accepted her trophy with a hilarious, “Ohhh, no,” and things only got better from there. Nipples, buttocks and the Batsuit all made it into her speech. For that, I will even ignore her designed-by-Hefty-Bags dress. Best Rocking of a Tattoo That Will Make Your Grandma Blush: Diablo Cody

The Juno scribe (and, as the now-fabled story goes, former stripper) took home the hardware for Best Original Screenplay, and in the process, became the role model for misfit girls everywhere who think they might have a story worth telling, too. Best Realization That You Are in the Presence of Greatness: Daniel Day-Lewis

Now that’s how you approach the Queen, I mean, Helen Mirren. Best Impromptu Audition for the Role of Peter Pan: Renee Zellweger

Though, if she really wanted to go for it, she should have worn the green tights. Best Circumventing of the Play-Off Music: Markéta Irglová

After her Once on-screen (and off-screen) partner Glen Hansard gave his gracious thanks for winning Best Original Song, Markéta was played off stage by the orchestra. But after the commercial break, host Jon Stewartbrought her back to the microphone to have her say. It was easily the night’s classiest moment. Best Evidence That Red Is the New Black Best Evidence That Pregnant Is the New Black Best Evidence That, No, Really, Black Is Still the New Black Look, I realize that Penelope Cruzis probably wearing navy blue, but do you want to see a picture of her or not?

So, who were your favorite winners? Who wore your favorite fashions? And who invited The Rock? Discuss.

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