“Stuck” on Mena Suvari


Not too long ago, I went out with a bunch

of friends and tied one on. As I wasn’t saddled with designated

driver duties, I really tied one on, imbibing enough vodka crannies

to keep an Ocean Spray shareholder happy. Believe me, I’m not

trying to be cool here — I’m just setting the scene, putting you

right in the heart of the action!

Around 2 a.m., we made our way to a Trendy

Hollywood Eatery for a bite. We all settled in and placed our

orders, and I was inordinately excited about the omelette that would

soon be mine, all mine! Glancing over at the large party to my

left, I spotted actress Mena Suvari having some late-night (or

is that early-morning?) chow as well. I immediately whispered to all

my friends, “Omigodyouguysh look look looklooklook no don’t look!

I think tha’sh Mena Shuvari aaahhh she can shoooooo effing rock that

buzzhcut!” Of course, my tongue felt as large as a Nerf football

and I’m sure I was “whispering” a bit too loudly. But no

matter! Have you seen the buzz cut? I mean, come on.

At any rate, my food arrived just in

time to create a much-needed diversion, and my friends all assure me

that I only embarrassed myself a bit that evening by going on and on…and on about how my eggs were the most awesome eggs in the history of ever. The point of all this is that had I been aware of the movie Stuck

during this near encounter, I don’t think even the mighty power of

eggs could have prevented me from … well, from making a complete fool of myself.

Stuck, you see, has Mena teaming

up with veteran horror director Stuart Gordon, the man behind

genre classics such as Re-Animator and From Beyond, to tell the fictionalized tale of Chante Jawan Mallard.

While her name might not ring a bell, her story surely might: whilst

driving drunk one fall evening in Texas in 2001, Mallard hit a homeless

man. The man, Gregory Biggs, went through Mallard’s windshield,

and instead of … you know, helping the poor man, Mallard drove home,

parked in her garage, and left Biggs there to die.

While this doesn’t sound as if it adds

up to the “feel-good hit of the summer,” Stuck is sure to

be full of enough Stuart Gordon goodness (read: ample shocks and a healthy

dose of black humor) to, at the least, intrigue audiences. As if that

weren’t enough to get me in a Cineplex seat, there’s always Mena

Suvari in what’s being hailed as a star-making turn. Twitch Film recently ran a telling interview with Suvari,

Gordon, and screenwriter John Strysik about the movie, for which

they’re anticipating a spring release. What does it take to

bring a story like this to the screen, and how do the filmmakers render

such a horrible tale palatable? Says Strysik,

“The key is in

making it realistic. Mena and (co-star) Stephen Rea just brought

this fantastic drama with them in making these real characters. You

really feel for both of them, I think, and that’s really what happened

with the real woman.”

According to the article, some of Mena’s

next projects include the Day of the Dead remake (coming to DVD

this spring) and perhaps another team-up with Stuart Gordon. To

save myself and all my friends from certain death by embarrassment,

perhaps it’s best if I avoid that particular Trendy Hollywood Eatery

after a night of vodka crannies. I can see it now: “Shoooo,

you werrrr in that Shtuart Gordon movie and are you gonna be a zzzhombie

in Day of the … you know, I like your hair. You shore can

rock that buzzzhhh …”

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