Dolly Parton’s breasts refuse to tour


Don’t you hate it when your

breasts get in the way of your career? I know I do. Just the other day,

I was minding my own business, planning my North American concert tour,

when the strain of carrying my breasts around caused me to postpone

the tour at the advice of my doctor. Sigh.

Oh, wait; that wasn’t me. That

was Dolly Parton. And I’m not making this up. Earlier

this week, she announced that she would be postponing her upcoming

due to back

problems that stem from carrying her large breasts on her small frame.

More specifically, she said, “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around

a while and see if you don’t have back problems."

She certainly does have a pair,

doesn’t she?

The tour was planned to support

her upcoming album, Backwoods Barbie, her first mainstream country

album in 17 years.

It’s kind of cheap and easy

to make Dolly Parton breast jokes. But part of what I love about her is that she’s the first one to make them.

“I was the first woman to burn my

bra — it took the fire department four days to put it out.”

And recently, she commented that she envisions fans trekking to see her

iconic breasts after her death:

"I can just see two big mountains

growing up out of my grave, and people going around on mule rides to

look at them."

But unfortunately, the breasts that

are a source of so much jocularity are also a source of back pain. Alas.

And this is a source of personal sadness for me, because I had plans

to see her on this tour! I was about to buy the tickets when I read

about the postponement. Woe is me. I guess I’ll just have wait for her

to get some rest and hope that the rescheduled date works for me.

It’s a little odd that I’ve never seen

her in concert, given how much I like her. She seems like she’d be great


But I don’t generally see too many

country concerts — in part because country performers don’t play New

York all that frequently. The best country concert I ever saw was the Dixie Chicks in Nashville during their last tour.

Emily Robison

— my favorite Dixie Chick — brushed away tears at the end of “Not

Ready to Make Nice” and it about broke my heart.

She doesn’t do that here, but

you get the idea.

I doubt Dolly would cry in

concert, but I bet she and her breasts would move me just the same.

Has anyone seen her live? Can you tell me what I’m missing?

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