Lifestyle

The Essential Lesbian Guide to Flirting

 

I was talking to one of my friends recently, and she said something that really surprised me.

“Oh god, I don’t know how to flirt or be a flirt with women.”

What shocked me wasn’t the sentiment-lots of us feel this way-it’s that this friend is a HUGE FLIRT. It’s her default state of being. She is always touching people; her eye contract is deep and steady; she gushes and knows how to compliment sincerely; she’s excitable, friendly, and magnanimous; she also plays with her hair constantly and is incredibly curious about even the most mundane topics. One time she even picked a flower for me! A flower from the earth! It was adorable.

And yet, she thinks she doesn’t know how to flirt.

I thought, if she’s “bad” at it, we’re all doomed.

Then I remembered that so many of us feel clueless, confused, unsure of what we’re doing, and scared to offend people, especially those we find attractive.

How do we change this? How do we reverse these untrue beliefs about ourselves that act as barriers to getting to know people? What makes someone a “good” or “bad” flirt, anyway? Why do we do it at all? What are some ways people show interest, physically and verbally, and how we can get better at recognizing it?

These are the questions we’ll focus on in this post. Let’s break it down.

What Is Flirting, Actually? At its core, “flirting” is interacting with someone in a playful manner. This can be demonstrated with verbal or physical cues, it can be a form of teasing, it can be silly, it can be subtle, or it can be wildly obvious and direct.

Women tend to be more subtle Studies show that women underestimate how much people are flirting with them, while men, perhaps unsurprisingly, overestimate. People flirt for fun, for sex, for exploration, and even for transactional reasons (i.e. to get something from someone). We’ll talk more about this below, but for now, all you need to know is this: flirting is playful interaction.

On a physical level, this can take a few different forms. It can be:

  • Playful touching: The shoulder, elbow, and forearm are considered the safest areas to touch a stranger. A brief, well-timed knee touch can also work, especially for stories where you’re at the “you won’t believe what happened next” part. And never underestimate the power of the high-five.
  • Eye contact: The all-powerful gesture returns! Looking at someone-including gazing, lingering, glancing, looking-then-looking-away-is probably the most underrated (yet most obvious) sign that someone is into you. In fact, a study showed that two minutes of eye gazing-looking each other in the eye-led research participants, who were strangers, to report increased feelings of affection. Have you been practicing your eye contact? If not, get on it!
  • Mirroring: This is when we adopt the postures and mannerisms of the person we’re speaking to. We do this unconsciously, but if you want to ramp up connection, try to subtly mimic the person you’re flirting with. The key is subtlety. If your partner feels like you’re parroting her, it’ll backfire. So, for instance, when she takes a drink, wait 15 seconds, then take a drink of yours. If she crosses her legs, wait a minute, then consider crossing your legs, too. It also helps if you repeat some of the exact words and phrases that she’s said. Therapists are MASTERS at this. It can feel a little weird at first, but mirroring speech does wonders for making people feel heard and understood.
  • Invade their space: According to one expert, to test the flirting waters, you should step into someone’s “personal space,” aka the invisible area that’s about 18 inches around someone’s body. Try to find a reason to enter their personal bubble briefly-say, by stepping close to let someone else pass, or to pick a piece of lint of their shirt-then step out of their bubble. “If this person is drawn to you, he or she will respond by stepping in closer after you’ve backed off.” Note: If you’re in a crowded space, this won’t really work because everyone is invading your personal space.

Why We Flirt Sex is what we often think of when it comes to the reasons we flirt, but according to a review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen found six different motivations for the behavior. Aside from getting someone in bed, we also flirt for:

  • Fun: Yes, some people simply enjoy the banter.
  • Exploring: Testing the waters to see if there’s mutual attraction.
  • Relational: Keeping the intimacy alive in already-established relationships
  • Esteem: Flirting with hot people gives us a validation boost.
  • Instrumental: When you want something from another person, like a server who flirts with customers for higher tips or when you want your partner to take out the recycling for once, Heather.
These different motivations are important to remember when we’re agonizing over whether someone might be flirting with us or not. They might be! But it might not be because your crush wants to play naked Canasta with you. Which brings me to…

What Makes a Good Flirt? Do you think your insecurity or shyness are detriments to flirting?

If so, think again.

A study co-authored by Claudia Brumbaugh and published in the journal Personal Relationships found that, despite popular belief and 100,000 blog posts telling us to be aggressive and cocky and bathe in Axe Body Spray, when it comes to dating and courtship, insecurity might actually give you a bigger advantage.

Brumbaugh found that the research participants in her study who rated their self-confidence highly tended to come off as arrogant, not charming. In contrast, the insecure people were more aware of how the other person was responding or reacting to them and tended to be more attuned to the needs of their partners.

“Insecure individuals [present] themselves as warm, engaging, and humorous people,” Brumbaugh wrote.

Part of the reason for this is because insecure people want your approval, hence, they will notice if you seem bored or lost and try to change the conversation or tell a joke to make you more comfortable. Insecurity makes us self-conscious, but it also makes us more self-aware, meaning that we are more attuned to how the other person is perceiving us, and better able to adapt to a certain situation when we find it’s not going as smoothly as we want.

So embrace your awkward, needy self-it may be just what you need to attract the babe of your dreams.

Talk flirty to me On a verbal level, there’s lots of room to play around and convey a sense of playfulness. A caveat: Humor is key here. If you say or do these things in seriousness, you’ll come off as an asshole. So smile, laugh at yourself. Have fun. Here are some tips that worked best for me/on me:

Bizarro World Do or say the opposite of what the person expects. My girlfriend is a pro at this. When I ask her to do something small, say, to hand me my drink or open a window, she smiles and says, “No.” It makes me laugh every single time, because it’s unexpected and it throws a common interaction off-balance.

Watch servers and bartenders if you need inspiration. They are also great at this tactic. “Can you have another gin and tonic? Hmm, I’ll consider it.” This also works if you catch someone looking at you (“Are you staring at me?”) or if someone accidentally bumps you as they pass. “Did you just grab my ass?”

Be a tease Teasing is in a similar vein to Bizarro World. For instance, if she says or does something that you disagree with, (“Your favorite movie was Amelie?!) tell her she’s fired or kick her out of the bar/house/coffeeshop. You can also pretend like you’re about to walk away. “I only consort with people who drink Miller High Life. Nice knowing you.” You’re not actually displeased that her taste in ice cream doesn’t match yours or that she majored in Communications or that she most identifies with Piper on OITNB. It’s good-natured ribbing.

Have a child’s mind Be curious about people. Kids never worry about asking a stranger for help. They’re not worried about being criticized or judged-they just want to know what’s up. Try to adopt that mindset when flirting. Don’t be afraid to ask “dumb” questions.

For instance, I was at a party recently, and a woman told me she was a content marketer. I have a vague idea what that is but not really, so I asked her a bunch of questions about what her job entailed, what she REALLY did, which was to persuade people with words. That then segued into a fun talk on the art of persuasion (which is much more interesting than email funnels and spreadsheets). None of this would’ve come about if I had accepted her LinkedIn answer at face value. Not only does asking questions show genuine interest, but it helps you get past the bs of small talk to establish greater intimacy. (More on that to come!)

Be a story hunter An aside to asking lots of questions is to suss out someone’s stories. The easiest way to do this is to pick something about them-a piece of jewelry, clothing item, unusual hair color-and ask if there’s a story behind it. There might not be, but either way, it gets them talking about themselves. This works well in online encounters, especially with apps like Her or Tinder, in which there is often zero text to go on. “I like that picture of you on a sailboat/petting a sloth/dressed as ZomBeyonce. Is there a story there?”

Be sarcastic Sarcasm is another great teaser, if done right. It can be deadpan (“The Bachelor is the greatest show in the history of television”) or totally over-the-top (“You got an iPhone? Get out. No one has ever done that! Are you kidding me?”) or subtle (a simple “Really?” or “Uh huh” can also convey playfulness quite well. Note: Don’t overdo it. Too much sarcasm will lead people to think you’re mocking them or a negative person.

Above all else, make it fun! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself if the conversation isn’t exactly going your way. If you’re not having fun with it, then odds are neither is she. Also, according to research, people who smile and make eye contact are more likely to be approached than those who are simply good looking. Friendliness matters.

  Be a Better Flirt Flirting is not unlike other skills, in that if you want to get better at it, you have to actually do it. Starting with…

Let go of outcomes If you want to start talking to someone with the hopes that they’ll become your girlfriend, that’s going to put a tremendous amount of pressure on both of you.

Letting go of your expectations is the best way to actually engage with people, because you can allow yourself to get interested in them instead of just their pants. So treat flirting like a game, which, in a way, it really is.

Your mission Last week, you went out and complimented some strangers and friends. This week, I want you to attempt a little playful small talk with one person per day, even if it’s just for a few minutes, using the suggestions above.

You can start with friends if you’re feeling nervous, but once you start to get the hang of it, you should move on to new people. They don’t have to be people you’re attracted to-you can chat up your local barista or whoever is in line with you at the grocery store or someone at your work who you don’t know at all. The goal is simply to practice being playful with new people.

What to say Need conversation starters? Have some in mind in advance.

According to a study in the journal Sex Roles, University of Alaska psychologist Chris L. Kleinke asked 600 respondents to rate the effectiveness of three kinds of opening lines in a flirtatious scenario, pick-up lines (“Are you a library book, because I’m checkin’ you out”), open-ended, innocuous questions (“What do you think of this band?” or “What team are you rooting for?”), and direct approaches (“You’re cute. Can I buy you a drink?”).

Kleinke found that women were most receptive to the open-ended, innocuous questions, whereas men preferred the direct approach, and no one really liked the pick-up line. But did they ask any librarians?

So think about something fun you read that you might discuss with your friends. Maybe, I don’t know, a question you read in the Hook Up? Or maybe you’re perplexed by something: Does she remember all the Spice Girls’ names?* Or maybe your friend just got a puggle and doesn’t know what to call it, so you’re seeking her advice. For more ideas and questions, see this column and this one.

* If she’s around the same age, asking about shows/bands/movies from her childhood/teen years can be a really effective and endearing way to start up a conversation. I’m fond of Neverending Story references, Saved by the Bell, and, if it wasn’t obvious, the Spice Girls.

  Now lez get to it! Ok, don’t just sit there, get chatting! Leave a comment to tell me how one of your random interactions go, no matter if it’s good, bad, or neutral.

Remember to have fun with it. Next week we’ll dive deeper into building rapport, maintaining conversations, and overcoming fear of rejection.

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