I recently found out on social media that my ex is engaged… The news through me for a loop because it’s been less than a year since we broke up and I’m not a hundred percent over her. And because she’s engaged to a guy. My first thought was to DM her fiance and ask if he knew her history. I didn’t do that but I still find myself on an emotional roller coaster where I feel angry that she’s lost to me forever and I am second guessing whether our relationship meant anything to her, and crying in my room because I can’t admit to my friends how destroyed I am by her news. How do I get over this?
My condolences. You’re stuck in every lesbian’s worst nightmare!
Finding out that a former flame is now engaged is intense. For many lesbians, it feels like a referendum on the relationship. The person you loved is lost to you forever. That door is full-on closed. And you find yourself wondering who she is, this person you once loved, because you no longer recognize her.
The fact that’s she’s engaged to guy is salt in the wound.
The natural response to this is to wonder why not you. Why did she date you and then so quickly rebound into him? Why were you good enough to be with, live with, and love, yet not the woman of her dreams? Was it all a lie?
Was she that rare gold star lesbian who suddenly finds love with the last person she expected to — and who gives rise to a zillion straight dudes holding out hope that the lesbian of their dreams might, just might, give them a chance? Was she a staunch bisexual who, despite serious street cred with ladies, found her one and only was a guy?
You know what? it doesn’t matter.
Asking these questions is part of your grieving process, because what you need to do is let it all go. Let her go. Ugly cry, break things, shred it in a workout, take a spa vacay, let it go in whatever way feels most right to you.
You don’t know what drew her to this guy. All you know is what you knew already: that things ended between you two and she’s moved on.
Yes, it happened quickly. That’s part of the reason your ego is flailing right now. You nurtured that secret hope of reconnection while she seriously moved on without giving you closure.
We like to think our exes owe us that, especially if we try to maintain a friendship. It’s a myth, though, to think that she owes you closure because she doesn’t owe you anything, not even a reason for breaking up (true).
To let her behavior tell you how to feel is to choose to remain stuck in the past, to be the person who was so influenced by her. Acknowledge the truer thing, which is that you don’t know what your future holds. You may have hoped she was a part of it, but that’s not going to happen.
You have the freedom to make your future be all you want it to be. If that includes a forever partner, you have the agency to put yourself out there and welcome love into your life. None of us are on a timeline for love or marriage. The fact that she got their first doesn’t mean that you never will.
Stop giving her power over you. It didn’t work out between you.
It’s going to happen again and again until one day you find the woman who loves you, flaws and all, but until you find that woman, that woman is YOU, because you are a glorious queen who chooses to love herself and show up for herself without the need to feel defined by a partner.
You can find love with another person, but you don’t need it.
Your ego is fragile right now and it wants you to believe dangerous and cruel things because misery loves company. Do your best not to listen to it, take care of yourself (and allow others to nurture you, too), and cut those ties with the past so you can show up for your future.
Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to the editor: [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.