Lesbianing With AE: Dating as a Socially Awkward, Introverted Demisexual

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Dear Lindsey,

I’ve recently found out I’m a demisexual which would explain a whole lot of things that I was going through…

I always seem to be falling for straight girls. To make it worst I’m in love with one of my friends and sometimes it’s so hard to be around her. So one day I got the courage to tell her and my other friend about my sexuality as well as telling her that I’m into her. She was in shock about my sexuality because she thought I was straight.

While my other friend said she suspect it. She didn’t say much about me liking her because I got scared and said she reminds me too much of my sister (which she kind of does with her text messages, but in person she’s nothing like her) a few days went by and i just couldn’t take it anymore, I had to tell her how I really felt but she was out of the country at the time. So I waited till she came back and I told her although my friends was saying I shouldn’t tell her… but I went anyway and told her over a text message. She said she was flattered but she didn’t felt the same way. Part of me was so disappointed as well as being relieved because I thought she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, but she still want to be friends which is cool.

The thing is I find it so hard to bond with people because I’m an introvert and sometimes I just want to be by myself. Plus I’m socially awkward, I want to get out and meet someone but I rather a friendship first then I’ll go on from there which I know you can get if I just go out and mingle. I even tried Tinder but that wasn’t for me. What I’m asking is what should I do in my position? A demisexual and socially awkward as well as an introvert isn’t a good mix in my book if you want to be with someone I’m also scared of being in a relationship because I’ve never properly been in one or on a date properly so yeah that would cause a lot of anxiety for me and a lot pressure. I really just want to move from my friend to some that likes me back.

L

Dear L,

When you’re a baby dyke , trying to find love without a lot of experience, it’s super common to crush out on your (straight) friends because they feel safe. Ditto goes for when you are socially awkward or introverted. All this to say, some of your need to feel a strong connection to someone before you think of them romantically may be something that you feel less hindered by as you become more comfortable putting yourself out there.

Which you know you have to do to move on from your friend.

Some of your need to feel a strong connection to someone before you think of them romantically may be something that you feel less hindered by as you become more comfortable putting yourself out there. Which you know you have to do to move on from your friend.

Telling your friend you were into her took a huge amount of courage, and I want to appreciate that for a minute.

You took a big risk in letting your pal know that you liked her *that way* and you were willing to risk losing her as a friend to be honest with her and with yourself. That tells me that you can find the courage to put yourself out there romantically despite your introvert, awkward identity.

And let’s be real, tons of lesbians, myself included, are introverted and/or socially awkward. This means that if you put yourself out there online or IRL your odds of finding another social awkward shy lesbian are actually decent and that might allow you to take things slow enough that you feel comfortable.

If you put yourself out there online or IRL your odds of finding another social awkward shy lesbian are actually decent and that might allow you to take things slow enough that you feel comfortable.

How you get there is first, you hold those labels loosely. Labels can give you comfort, but they can also keep you from pushing past your discomforts to take the sort of risk that leads to love.

I don’t care if you’re super shy, super introverted, or feel aligned with the demisexual label. If you want to find women to crush out on who are not your straight friends, you need to hang out with the dykes.

I don’t care if you’re super shy, super introverted, or feel aligned with the demisexual label. If you want to find women to crush out on who are not your straight friends, you need to hang out with the dykes.

If that scares you, know that lesbian friend groups are little hotbeds of dating action because there are only so many women-loving women that your squad will date each other, or each other’s exes, or someone loosely affiliated, given enough time and a lack of fresh blood. So once you find your new lesbian besties, you will find a ready source of safe, vetted crushes who might actually like you back.

To find those folks, you can go online. Yeah, you don’t feel super comfortable Tindering as an introvert but you can be the change you wish to see, be outspoken that you’re looking for friends and potential romance, and let the swipes fall where they may. Or you can volunteer for your local LGBT nonprofit. Or join your school’s GSA. Or ladies’ sports team. And so on.

How I Found the Lesbians When I First Came Out

And don’t even tell me how socially anxious that would make you. Because, one, I get it. Two, you know you need to expand your world to move on or you wouldn’t be writing to me. Three, you are going to do it when the pain of staying stuck is greater than the fear of taking the risk.

So mingle, meet people, and allow yourself to be yourself, or as much of yourself as you can while having a panic attack socializing with randoms. Trust that the next time you show up for the club/sports team/volunteer event, it’s going to be a little easier. And then easier. And then one day you’ll actually look forward to going because you have fun gay friends, lesbian crushes, or (here’s hoping) a date.

Mingle, meet people, and allow yourself to be yourself, or as much of yourself as you can while having a panic attack socializing with randoms. Trust that the next time you show up for the club/sports team/volunteer event, it’s going to be a little easier. And then easier. And then one day you’ll actually look forward to going because you have fun gay friends, lesbian crushes, or (here’s hoping) a date.

So put yourself out there, get comfortable with being mildly uncomfortable, and practice plenty of self-care (like, you can spend all weekend reading if you just go out to the Friday night burlesque show).

And tell yourself everything you like about yourself. What makes you a rad friend or girlfriend. Tout how awesome you are until you believe 1/10 of it. That’s how you fake your way to feeling less awkward as all hell.

I promise you that a lot of the anxieties you’re feeling now are because you’ve never dated anyone and you’re not outgoing and you don’t know how it’s going to happen for you. Legit, not to trivialize what you’re going through but it’s true. As you gain more experience (and your confession to your friend is experience, so you are already on your way), your comfort level will increase. It will! Love yourself and be patient. 


Do you have a burning question for Lindsey? Email it to the editor at [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. And don’t be shy, you don’t have to use your real name! 

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