Lesbianing With AE! What to Do When Her Kink is Dominating Your Sex Life

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Dear Lindsey,

My partner is kinky. I’m not super into her kink but I accommodate it. Over the last year her kink has taken up more and more of our sex life to the point where I have to push back to have a night of regular, kink-free sex. I want her to be as accommodating of my lack of kink as I am of her kink, but I’m having trouble getting a conversation going because she can be highly reactive.

– VV

Dear VV,

Props to you for pleasing your kinky partner and wanting to roll out the conversation about finding a balance in a way that’s sensitive to her sexual needs. You have every right to expect your kinky partner to meet your needs even if vanilla sex doesn’t turn her on, because whatever mystery kink she has doesn’t exactly float your boat but you do it because it gives her pleasure and that turns you on.

Talk openly with your partner about what is a sexual preference and what is something she needs to feel good. Let’s say she loves to be tied up, but she can orgasm without it – that’s a want, and you are happy to satisfy it, but not every time you have sex. Break down your wants and needs for her, so she understands both what you need and that it’s as important as her need to satisfy her kinks.

Talk openly with your partner about what is a sexual preference and what is something she needs to feel good. Let’s say she loves to be tied up, but she can orgasm without it – that’s a want, and you are happy to satisfy it, but not every time you have sex.

Look for the places of overlap. It’s not realistic to have a 50/50 bedroom split or indulge both kink and vanilla in every encounter, but where can you find mutual satisfaction and hot sex?

Take things slow during kink sessions and reintroduce some of that vanilla stuff (cuddles, foreplay) that can get left out if she wants you to get right to the spanking. That might get you super wet rather than rehearsing your mental to-do list, which means that after you get her good and satisfied you ride her face.

Or bring her kink outside the bedroom. If her turn-on plays a more active role in your life as a couple (say, you order her to clean the dishes because she loves being demeaned and dominated), you can dial down the kink in the bedroom to have more of the sex you want to have.

If her turn-on plays a more active role in your life as a couple (say, you order her to clean the dishes because she loves being demeaned and dominated), you can dial down the kink in the bedroom to have more of the sex you want to have.

While you’re trying to find balance, be playful and loving with one another. Sex problems can make things super serious, which derails progress. Rather than focus on how she’s a selfish kinkster who can’t see that you need an old-fashioned lay, drop the story and have fun. Sometimes a date night where you do something outside your usual routine can reset patterns that aren’t working for you. Good luck! 


Do you need Lindsey’s advice? Write to [email protected] with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. 

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