Lesbianing With AE! How to Make it Work Long Distance

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Today Lindsey answers a reader’s question about long distance love

Dear Lindsey,

I’m still tingling as I write this. I went to Ptown for the weekend with some friends and I met someone new and incredible. This woman is exactly who I have been looking for for the last five years. She is attractive, takes care of her body, has a good professional job and is financially independent – she checks all the boxes. But beyond that, the connection we developed in a weekend is like nothing I have experienced before. We stayed up on the beach talking all night. We have so many shared dreams and goals in common. And when we made out on the dance floor I swooned. She lives in New York, and I live in Boston. We talked about visiting for the weekend before we left, and I think I’m going to go visit her for Labor Day weekend. I’ve never done the long-distance thing and it’s not my preference, but the weekend we shared together felt like the romance I’ve been waiting for all my life. I found myself scrolling Instagram looking at Brooklyn apartments, daydreaming about reshuffling my life so I can give this the chance it needs to develop into something real. My friends tell me to slow down, and I know I probably should – but I don’t want to. How can I pursue this – realistically, romantically, otherwise?

Swoon

Dear Swoon,

You absolutely can have a long-term relationship with your Ptown cutie. (And what a sweet story, by the way!)

Logistically, you’ve got to see if she is as interested in continuing things as you are. You’ve got this trip planned, but I would try to suss it out beforehand if only to mitigate your expectations going into the Labor Day trip. Are you heading to Brooklyn for a 3-day booty call, or is this to continue exploring your connection and where it might lead?

Are you heading to Brooklyn for a 3-day booty call, or is this to continue exploring your connection and where it might lead?

Assuming you are on the same page and your weekend visit goes well, you’ll need to determine how often to see one another and how to keep in touch. You are living in a golden age for communicating with far-flung loves, and New York to Boston really isn’t that far. It’s doable to see each other once a month, say, and talk, text, or video chat multiple times during the week. You don’t need to be in the same city to Netflix and chill together.

In the early stages I would recommend you keep things loose — you are still getting to know one another — while getting clear on the particular rules of your long distance relationship. Will she come to you because she’s flexibly self-employed and can cut out of work at 2 p.m. on a Friday? Will you two see other people, or is this exclusive?

You say a long-distance relationship isn’t your preference, but you also say you’ve never been in one. LDRs tend to get a bad rap but they can be just as fulfilling as dating someone in your city if you go about them with clear expectations, if both partners put in the work, and if there’s a clear end date for things. For you, that might look like you moving to New York come Labor Day 2019, if everything if still peachy.

LDRs tend to get a bad rap but they can be just as fulfilling as dating someone in your city if you go about them with clear expectations, if both partners put in the work, and if there’s a clear end date for things.

Top killers for LDRs are insecurity and jealousy, so don’t be that girl who’s always stalking her Instagram or freaking out if she misses an evening check-in.

LDRs also fail for all the reasons any other relationship implodes, which is to say that even if you do everything right you might not be compatible.

Ice the thought of moving to New York for the moment. It’s way too early to do that just for this woman. If you two are still crazy about one another three to six months from now, you can reconsider. And if you happen to come across some once-in-a-lifetime job listing that so happens to be in Brooklyn, feel free to throw your hat in the ring.

Tell your pals thanks for looking out for you, but no thanks for all the so-called-helpful criticism.

You’ve been looking for love for a long time, and you’ve found something with this woman. You are well aware that it could fizzle or flame out, but you are going to give it a shot for love. Those of your rational, practical, logical friends might struggle, but your boho, romantic, dreamer friends will cheer you on.

Take space from the friends who hear you out and continue to criticize your choices. You are well aware this might not work out, but you know there’s too much there not to give it a try.


Need Lindsey’s advice on love, sex, or relationships? Write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line of your email and send to [email protected]