Why does hot sex have to come with a hot temper? I’ve been seeing this girl and the sex is unbelievably hot. She has a hot body and knows it and she likes to show it off, and I get jealous when she flirts with people – guys, girls, she’ll even solicit offers to be a unicorn. We end up fighting about it and then we have hot makeup sex and then she wears super low-cut shirt to my company picnic and makes eyes at my colleague, and then we fight again at the picnic and I wind up fingering her in the bathroom of the bar we went to after. We have sex other times too, basically everyday, and the spark is incredible…so the sex is just as good when we’re not fighting as when we are. I want to knock off the fighting and just have things be good, great sex, strong connection, but she needs to meet me halfway.
Dear So Jealous,
How fun that you have a super hot girlfriend and the two of you have a great sexual connection!
Let’s reinforce what IS working for you rather than your problems. You don’t NEED the jealousy to have incredible sex. You can have passionate sex without fighting.
So the real question, as you know, is what’s with your cycle of fights and makeup sex? Why does your girlfriend push your buttons when she knows that her flirting is going to get you mad?
Is your girlfriend acting out to get your attention, to provoke jealousy, hoping to initiate a fight? Or is she wearing clothes that make her feel confident and being nice to people she meets, in which case you are misreading her actions?
You might be too close to the problem to tell, so ask a trusted friend or think back over your past relationships. If jealousy has been an issue before, then you might have unreasonable standards of behavior, such as misreading her friendly hello to the barista as a come-on.
Maybe You’re the Jealous Type?
If you are “the jealous type” then understanding what is reasonable and what’s an overreaction will smooth things over and simplify your life. Ending the fights is in YOUR power.
But what if your girlfriend is the one instigating these patterns?
Lesbian couples tend to have the same fights over and over from power, status, or past conditioning.
If your girlfriend is going out of her way to make you jealous, it could be because of past toxic relationships where she learned to take a jealous reaction from a partner as proof of love. It could be that she likes the head trip of setting you up for a blowout fight then making you beg for forgiveness with makeup sex.
If it’s the former rather than the latter, mindfulness and counseling can help her work through those patterns. If she’s intentionally getting you to blow up because she likes the feeling of control, then she has to want to change or you have to end things because you’re in for more of the same, forever.
Esther Perel has some great relationship advice that can help you sift through your recent fights and identify patterns that one of you may be exhibiting. Good luck!
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